I know my worth. I've paid dearly for every ounce of it.... (Alfa from Pinterest)
On January 1st I started a new life style change in the way I look at food and how I eat. I started the Whole30. It is simply a detox diet, that you rid yourself of things that might be causing internal inflammation, such as sugars, gluten, dairy and alcohol. I embarked on this journey without fear. Now 15 days into it, I still feel at ease with this dietary change. Having to think, to plan, to read, and to make choices, is something I've needed to do in a lot of areas. This is easy for me to do with my food intake, unlike my personal life. Which I have none actually. I am alone, without any heart to call mine, or fall into. I am 54 and single, and female, not a good place to be. For being over 50 doesn't look good for me in the romance department. There are too many younger, better looking, and more available females out there for any single male 40-58. Dating apps are a bust, they are full of hook up players, and I can't play that game anymore. As much as I would like to be that cold hearted player, I can't. By playing that game, I have hurt many, just as I have been hurt. For the pain I have caused others, I am truly sorry for, and well I pray I don't do it again. No one likes to be just forgotten and ignored, and I am guilty of that. It took it happening to me, for me to see, how much pain I have caused some, not all, but one hurt, is one to many. So I have done some thinking on what I long for, and I realize, it may not be out there for me, cold hard truth, it stings a bit. If I hear one more time, it's in God's time, not mine, I will scream. Yes, I get it, I understand, I really do. For I feel God thinks I need to be alone, that my life was meant for not knowing true love, passion, desire, fulfillment, or even happiness with someone. I am trying to come to terms with this. I am not feeling sorry for myself, for that would take to much energy, which I don't have. I have so much more that needs to be done, that I can't take the time to cry for myself. For my loss, well actually, I did that when Bob died. I cried for the loss of a living being, as painful as our 27 years together was, there were good moments too. They may have been few and far between, but they balanced out the wrong doings by both parts. I miss him for the communication that I had every day, for at the end that's all we had as a connection. We lost physical connection years before he died, but emotionally we cared. Even if it was for selfish reasons, self preservation. After all isn't most relationships built on selfishness on some part. We all want to be selfless, but in all actuality we want to make ourselves feel better, we want to be wanted, desired, needed, and if giving of ourselves to others brings us that, then we will do that, if only to make ourselves satisfied. Ulterior motives, but a win/win, when with the right person, we meet our own needs, and meeting theirs. Relationships are built on give and take, sharing. Again, when with the right person.What happens for me, is I give, and get nothing back. I chase the elusive unicorn, trying to catch the shadow. I bend myself emotionally to try and be what they need, however physically I am not most men's want and need. For some yes, I am perfect jerk off material, but not someone you take home to meet mom and the kids. I know that I am so much more, that I have substance, and worth, just haven't met the one I am attracted too, that feels that way about me. I have met some that are good men, but there is no physical connection for me, and yes, I know that there should be more than that. However, until I am no longer physically capable of being desirable or visa versa, I will not accept less than that. There in lies the rub, because I refuse to settle, I am alone. Back to thinking on my existence without a mate, I can't plan on doing things with him, since I don't have anyone to focus on. I can't read a book on how to obtain one, even though I am sure there are plenty written words out there that all say something different. Lastly, without opportunity to make choices toward my future mate, I don't see this happening. So as you can see, from what I've written, my diet changes are much simpler than my personal life. Give and take again. I can give myself room to change physically to be healthy to be here longer, even if knowing I'll be alone. I can handle that, and maybe eventually accept it for what it is. I just know that I am blessed to be able to still walk this earth. Knowing that walking alone, is still better than not being in it, and well I'll take whatever God gives me for time and space to live on. So here I sit this morning reflecting, and knowing With reflection comes change and growth, so the Whole30 is a starting point for my diet change, but maybe in long run, it will bring personal change through being more and feeling good, after all I am worth it.
Hi Lacinda,
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm not teasing life enough to be recognized. I've usually stood back and spoke when spoken to. Unless, there is a need or an act that I felt would be beneficial to the situation. I.E. breaking up a fight or taking on a leadership role when something needs to be done and everyone stands there with a cardboard box look. You say you have become a person without a filter. I have only been around one person that destroyed my filter. She knew what buttons to push. Was that her tease to gain my attention? My thought is yes. Could I have walked away?? Definitely. So why do we choose to stay? Do we just want the attention, hurt or not? In order to advertise, as you say, a lot has to go into it. Do we create a business plan for romance or do we just stand on the corner and shout “I’m Available”? We both know what the outcome is when we choose to stand on the corner. Not only do we take what we can get, but we also have to figure out when to let it go. In any startup business plan (romance) we have to figure out what outcome we wish to achieve. Long term or it will do until something else comes along. With age, I feel we get tired of the “this will do” mentality and hope for the long term.
Just some thoughts.
Waiting Game
ReplyDeleteWaiting is one of the hardness mountains I have ever tried to climb. Just like your friend, you think you finally can see the top of the mountain and then that one little pebble comes loose. We grab for the strong holds and shout obscenities to the world knowing that we should have taken a different route. Don’t get me wrong, the Marine Corps taught us the quickest way to the other side is over the mountain not around it. Everyone runs into the loose pebbles but it depends on your desire to not give up. I have walked away from some beautiful women, and no I’m not one of those perfect gifts to women types. They got to know me for who I am. One of them just wouldn’t leave her little home town. No sense of adventure. Go figure. Ha Never understood it. We knew more about each other than any of our significant others ever knew about us. I think that is called communication or should I say, lack of it. I always seem to know more about my spouse than they knew about me.
As far as your type of work is concerned, I have been around it. The ex was a social services director for an old folk’s facility. Her job was a little different I imagine in that some of the people she helped couldn’t give back. I helped her a lot at different functions. I don’t know how y’all do it day after day. But I’m glad there are people in this world like you. Some day we will all be there. Please keep that in mind.
They say Tai Chi could help us in the “waiting to get old” mentality as a rejuvenating source of things to do. Just have to stay with it.
David
School Year
Single parenting is not for everyone. I chose to be the father and mom to my son and daughter after my first divorce. Someone really, really needs to write a book on the topic. I’m pretty sure YouTube helps a lot these days. Lol
You don’t have to be a good dad. You have to be a good parent and learn what a good dad is all about. I was so distraught and worried about what I would do or more importantly how they would turn out. When I divorced their mother, my son was 3 and my daughter was 2. Back then it was a lot safer. I took my daughter into the men’s room until she turned about 4-5 years old. Then I started watching different women with other kids in tow coming and going until I found one that looked respectful enough to take her into the women’s room. Don’t think I wasn’t nervous. I stood as close to the door as I could and not get arrested trying to listen to everything that went on in there.
I was always told to go get a switch. I hated that tree and the cows that made belts. Lol
I turn, that’s how I raised my first two. How wrong it was. I can say that because I have actually tried both ways. My youngest daughter, 19 has never been spanked, slapped, whipped, thrown down by anyone. Heaven help the day that they do. Anyways it was completely different.
Allowing a child to make the mistakes with the understanding of the circumstances is the best thing a parent can do. It teaches them that they may fail and also teaches them how to do it right the next time, hopefully.
Young boys however are a whole other chapter. The things they dare devilish get into. Of course, I never got into trouble,,,,, well not more than 3 or 4 times a week. Lol Teaching him how to tie his shoes, just need to understand what he sees. Yes, he is in middle school, but the laces are forever changing.
As for your daughter, sounds like she is going to be a strong woman. Just remember, She can’t come into her own, on her own without a Mother’s influence.
Hope you keep writing Lacinda. David
Thank you David, I will try..
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