I know my worth. I've paid dearly for every ounce of it.... (Alfa from Pinterest)
On January 1st I started a new life style change in the way I look at food and how I eat. I started the Whole30. It is simply a detox diet, that you rid yourself of things that might be causing internal inflammation, such as sugars, gluten, dairy and alcohol. I embarked on this journey without fear. Now 15 days into it, I still feel at ease with this dietary change. Having to think, to plan, to read, and to make choices, is something I've needed to do in a lot of areas. This is easy for me to do with my food intake, unlike my personal life. Which I have none actually. I am alone, without any heart to call mine, or fall into. I am 54 and single, and female, not a good place to be. For being over 50 doesn't look good for me in the romance department. There are too many younger, better looking, and more available females out there for any single male 40-58. Dating apps are a bust, they are full of hook up players, and I can't play that game anymore. As much as I would like to be that cold hearted player, I can't. By playing that game, I have hurt many, just as I have been hurt. For the pain I have caused others, I am truly sorry for, and well I pray I don't do it again. No one likes to be just forgotten and ignored, and I am guilty of that. It took it happening to me, for me to see, how much pain I have caused some, not all, but one hurt, is one to many. So I have done some thinking on what I long for, and I realize, it may not be out there for me, cold hard truth, it stings a bit. If I hear one more time, it's in God's time, not mine, I will scream. Yes, I get it, I understand, I really do. For I feel God thinks I need to be alone, that my life was meant for not knowing true love, passion, desire, fulfillment, or even happiness with someone. I am trying to come to terms with this. I am not feeling sorry for myself, for that would take to much energy, which I don't have. I have so much more that needs to be done, that I can't take the time to cry for myself. For my loss, well actually, I did that when Bob died. I cried for the loss of a living being, as painful as our 27 years together was, there were good moments too. They may have been few and far between, but they balanced out the wrong doings by both parts. I miss him for the communication that I had every day, for at the end that's all we had as a connection. We lost physical connection years before he died, but emotionally we cared. Even if it was for selfish reasons, self preservation. After all isn't most relationships built on selfishness on some part. We all want to be selfless, but in all actuality we want to make ourselves feel better, we want to be wanted, desired, needed, and if giving of ourselves to others brings us that, then we will do that, if only to make ourselves satisfied. Ulterior motives, but a win/win, when with the right person, we meet our own needs, and meeting theirs. Relationships are built on give and take, sharing. Again, when with the right person.What happens for me, is I give, and get nothing back. I chase the elusive unicorn, trying to catch the shadow. I bend myself emotionally to try and be what they need, however physically I am not most men's want and need. For some yes, I am perfect jerk off material, but not someone you take home to meet mom and the kids. I know that I am so much more, that I have substance, and worth, just haven't met the one I am attracted too, that feels that way about me. I have met some that are good men, but there is no physical connection for me, and yes, I know that there should be more than that. However, until I am no longer physically capable of being desirable or visa versa, I will not accept less than that. There in lies the rub, because I refuse to settle, I am alone. Back to thinking on my existence without a mate, I can't plan on doing things with him, since I don't have anyone to focus on. I can't read a book on how to obtain one, even though I am sure there are plenty written words out there that all say something different. Lastly, without opportunity to make choices toward my future mate, I don't see this happening. So as you can see, from what I've written, my diet changes are much simpler than my personal life. Give and take again. I can give myself room to change physically to be healthy to be here longer, even if knowing I'll be alone. I can handle that, and maybe eventually accept it for what it is. I just know that I am blessed to be able to still walk this earth. Knowing that walking alone, is still better than not being in it, and well I'll take whatever God gives me for time and space to live on. So here I sit this morning reflecting, and knowing With reflection comes change and growth, so the Whole30 is a starting point for my diet change, but maybe in long run, it will bring personal change through being more and feeling good, after all I am worth it.
