Mirror, mirror on the wall, what am I seeking here after all......


I have been asked I don't know how many times in the last month or so, "what are you looking for, what is it you seek", and honestly, I don't know. I know what I want from myself, to be a better, fit, and more balanced woman, but what do I want from a man, what do I seek, I don't know. I really don't know. I have a logical answer when asked, a friend, to start with. Appropriate enough, works, appears to be what I am supposed to say. Seems I have a lot of those, friends, have made them over the last few years or so. Some that were never more than just that, a friend, others I shared more with, and I loved dearly, and I hear from them every now and then, when they wish to see how I am fairing after their departure. I have gleaned from our short conversations, or text messages, that I am usually to much, or not enough for anything beyond the friendship line. Sobriety has brought so much into view. I see that those I thought I wanted to take beyond friendship were, damaged goods, beyond my repair. Not necessarily beyond total repair, just mine. They have moved on and found their more than friend, and I am happy for them. I really am. Even when they still check on me, the friend that gave all, and was a moment in time they don't forget. They should forget, better yet, let me forget. To try and forget the part of me they remember. The whore with a heart, who desperately wants to be the lady, but just can't get past the past. It's hard to shake that label, even though I know I have never been or will be that title, it's just, when you hear your parents call you that, it sticks in your mind. Like a broken record, stuck in that scratch. Reverberates, distorts the truth. I have come so far, carry myself upright, and I walk with a purpose. Hold my crown solid on my head, although it's heavy sometimes. It's at those times, I see her, catch a glimpse of her in the black and gray shadows in my room and in the corner of my mirror, that broken, less whole woman, the whore so to speak, lurks. She is a fractured part of me, I try to reach her and hold her, and tell her we are ok, we are enough. She always seems to pull free and head for the darkness, knowing I won't follow, knowing how I love the light, the sunshine. I suppose she feels safer, freer there in the dark, alone. She saddens me with her need to be there, to keep holding onto those sullied moments with those past so called friends. For the thing that my so called friends can't let go of, that still has them say hello, from time to time, is that woman, they held in the black of night, that marvelous whore that fulfilled their darkest desires with such ease, grace and completeness, like no one else ever had or will ever again. They mention her, these broken men, that I don't need, nor truly want. Nor do they truly want me. For they keep me at a distance, and away from their present lives, hidden, almost like that dirty little secret. You know the one, like the magazine under the bed, with crumpled corners, tucked away next to the lotion and tissues, yes, that one. That's where my memory lies with them. Vivid as a colored snapshot and at moments, one that can consume them, or so they say...The memory I evoke, seems to help them sometimes, to finish the task at hand, the task their new loves can't or won't. Respectable women, who can give them what they need in the public eye, are available, and have more to offer economically and personally. They are their ladies, there in lies the rub. Ladies, beautiful and wholesome. Beauty and the beast, and I truly know their beasts, I know their dark secrets, well after all, am I not the woman that lurks in those forbidden corners of their minds, among the cob webs and the dust. Like a song I wrote in high school, isn't it funny what we find in the shadows of our minds. Memories that stir us into the direction that can bring about intense feelings, my memory just brings about desire, and forbidden lost moments in time. Never to happen again........and that is a good thing......Like I said sobriety has done wonders for me, clearer vision, which allows me to think about a better answer for that often asked question. What do I want......what do I seek........I want real, I want to be the light in someone's life, I want to be the difference, I want to be the true smile, not just smirk, I want feelings of kindness in the touch, of laughter in my ear, and gentleness from the kiss on neck. Oh don't get me wrong, I want desire and passion too, those come with me, no matter where I go. I just want light to shine through to the dark corners and to bring warmth to the cold crevices. I want to be all of me, and so much more, to have that gift of acceptance of who I am, and who they can be with me. The king of the world that I rule..... so yes, mirror, mirror on the wall, you better believe with him, whomever he may be, I will want it all...... to be the lady with the heart of a whore and so, so much more........

Reflection 1/15/2018

I know my worth. I've paid dearly for every ounce of it.... (Alfa from Pinterest)

On January 1st I started a new life style change in the way I look at food and how I eat. I started the Whole30. It is simply a detox diet, that you rid yourself of things that might be causing internal inflammation, such as sugars, gluten, dairy and alcohol. I embarked on this journey without fear. Now 15 days into it, I still feel at ease with this dietary change. Having to think, to plan, to read, and to make choices, is something I've needed to do in a lot of areas. This is easy for me to do with my food intake, unlike my personal life. Which I have none actually. I am alone, without any heart to call mine, or fall into. I am 54 and single, and female, not a good place to be. For being over 50 doesn't look good for me in the romance department. There are too many younger, better looking, and more available females out there for any single male 40-58. Dating apps are a bust, they are full of hook up players, and I can't play that game anymore. As much as I would like to be that cold hearted player, I can't. By playing that game, I have hurt many, just as I have been hurt. For the pain I have caused others, I am truly sorry for, and well I pray I don't do it again. No one likes to be just forgotten and ignored, and I am guilty of that. It took it happening to me, for me to see, how much pain I have caused some, not all, but one hurt, is one to many. So I have done some thinking on what I long for, and I realize, it may not be out there for me, cold hard truth, it stings a bit. If I hear one more time, it's in God's time, not mine, I will scream. Yes, I get it, I understand, I really do. For I feel God thinks I need to be alone, that my life was meant for not knowing true love, passion, desire, fulfillment, or even happiness with someone. I am trying to come to terms with this. I am not feeling sorry for myself, for that would take to much energy, which I don't have. I have so much more that needs to be done, that I can't take the time to cry for myself. For my loss, well actually, I did that when Bob died. I cried for the loss of a living being, as painful as our 27 years together was, there were good moments too. They may have been few and far between, but they balanced out the wrong doings by both parts. I miss him for the communication that I had every day, for at the end that's all we had as a connection. We lost physical connection years before he died, but emotionally we cared. Even if it was for selfish reasons, self preservation. After all isn't most relationships built on selfishness on some part. We all want to be selfless, but in all actuality we want to make ourselves feel better, we want to be wanted, desired, needed, and if giving of ourselves to others brings us that, then we will do that, if only to make ourselves satisfied. Ulterior motives, but a win/win, when with the right person, we meet our own needs, and meeting theirs. Relationships are built on give and take, sharing. Again, when with the right person.What happens for me, is I give, and get nothing back. I chase the elusive unicorn, trying to catch the shadow. I bend myself emotionally to try and be what they need, however physically I am not most men's want and need. For some yes, I am perfect jerk off material, but not someone you take home to meet mom and the kids. I know that I am so much more, that I have substance, and worth, just haven't met the one I am attracted too, that feels that way about me. I have met some that are good men, but there is no physical connection for me, and yes, I know that there should be more than that. However, until I am no longer physically capable of being desirable or visa versa, I will not accept less than that. There in lies the rub, because I refuse to settle, I am alone. Back to thinking on my existence without a mate, I can't plan on doing things with  him, since I don't have anyone to focus on. I can't read a book on how to obtain one, even though I am sure there are plenty written words out there that all say something different. Lastly, without opportunity to make choices toward my future mate, I don't see this happening. So as you can see, from what I've written, my diet changes are much simpler than my personal life. Give and take again. I can give myself room to change physically to be healthy to be here longer, even if knowing I'll be alone. I can handle that, and maybe eventually accept it for what it is. I just know that I am blessed to be able to still walk this earth. Knowing that walking alone, is still better than not being in it, and well I'll take whatever God gives me for time and space to live on. So here I sit this morning reflecting, and knowing With reflection comes change and growth, so the Whole30 is a starting point for my diet change, but maybe in long run, it will bring personal change through being more and feeling good, after all I am worth it.