coming full circle...

This year has been a turbulent year, many not so good changes. I lost the recent battle with the gym and weight and I am back at the starting point again. I wrecked my truck, and had to get a new one, which I truly can't afford. I am in the negative financially more now than ever. I haven't found the one again, many frogs, but no prince. Lastly, I lost my dad. This man that had me fearing for my life at times, hating myself, and hating him for the majority of my life. However in the end, I miss him, my daddy. Miss the good parts of him, and I am saddened that his physical self is gone. I am so looking forward to this next year, another one to try again, to hope, to give, to learn from and to I pray finally just live in. I hope that within this year, I make it to my goal shape, in body and mind. That I choose happier, healthier moments to cling to. I hope to find a way to save money instead of living paycheck to middle of the month and no new paycheck. I pray that I find the one I pray for, the one with sparkling blue eyes, with depth in their body, mind and soul. I want to get lost in their very presence, and truly smile and love. I want to remember my dad, not the bad things I lived through, but the good things he gave to other's, to my kids, and ultimately to me. This year I want to move forward, let the past go. I need to learn new ways and let go of the old ways that have shown nothing but loss. I want to truly turn the pages and move on. I have been wasting my time on dating apps over this last year, and I mean really wasting my time. Giving myself over to a moment of pleasure just to try and feel, but gaining nothing. I was getting tired of all the games, and have become even more weary of playing them myself, when a man with ice blue eyes said hi. I thought he was a bot at first, because he was in the oil and gas industry and from Louisiana, working in Texas. I was polite and said hello back, but didn't pursue this man. I was busy fishing for what I thought was a real man, mostly real losers, but not a bot. He kept coming back, "Hello pretty one". Thought this surely was a line, and in fact probably was. I was short with my responses. Didn't think to much of this "Calvin" person. My dad died, and well I got a message on the day we were burying my dad from this man. I replied that I was burying my dad and that I was dealing with that. He was so polite and understanding. I let it go, he had left his number a couple of times and I ignored it. He kept asking when we could talk, he thought I was a woman of substance, more than pretty eyes. Then one morning I woke up and gave him my number, just did, it was a push from somewhere. We had in depth texts, more than the usual hey sexy, more than send me a pic of your girls, oh by the way here's a dick pic just for you. He did none of those, for his texts were about life, knowledge, and he made me smile. In early December it snowed here, he was out in it, working on a well site. I was genuinely concerned for this mans safety, his comfort, and I had not even met him. I began to look forward to just the simple "Good morning pretty one", sometimes days would go by and well I would wish for a text, but gave it no mind, for after all maybe he was not a real man, just a romance scam artist. I was cautious at best. Then he texted that he was home in Louisiana, and that he wanted me to know that he was still interested. We started marathon texting, I just felt right with him and responding. He shared pictures of his grand kids, he sent pics of him in the dentist chair, he shared his life. He had me secretly praying to God, to let him be real, that if he was, I would give up the chase of the not so great, and the ones that made me feel less than a woman of substance. Then I asked him to call me, this was a test, a not so real person would not call, but he did, when I answered his call I could hear his gentle voice, heavy with uncertain shyness, my heart quickened. We talked for 3 hours, we talked the next morning for another 3 hours, sharing just our thoughts for the moment. Talking every day, texting, getting to know each other bit by bit. I shared my dark story, he listened, I listened to him. Genuinely listening, and beginning to care. He shared his hopes for a future with someone someday, that would hinge on adoration, friendship, love, someone that would keep him interested before, during and after sex. He wanted a woman with big beautiful eyes, a good smile, and a booty, those where his physical needs, but a woman with substance was something he so desired. Someone that would listen, understand, and keep up her side of the conversation. I shared with him that I was looking for a best friend, an honest man, a man that worked hard, that was loyal and that would never hurt me.  Christmas holidays came, he was alone in Alice, Texas, sick with a head cold, and was told he couldn't go anywhere, had to be available to work if needed. So I decided to go see him on Christmas night. I took him food, and just wanted to meet and share time with this man. It was a time of talking, and sharing, he didn't eat. He was eager to show me how to handle a gun, wanted to see the fit, because I had mentioned that I wanted to learn how to shoot a gun. He talked about when he comes to San Antonio, that we would go shooting. He talked of when "we" often that evening. We shared a bottle of wine, we shared each other, and we kept talking after, he slept with a smile. I watched him for a while before I fell asleep. I would wake several times during the night to listen to him breathe, and when he'd cough I'd ask if he was ok. I felt adoration for this man, that I knew in my mind that when the morning came, I would leave, and with probability never see him again. He woke up in the morning, around 5:30, turned on TV, was watching the news with me laying next to him, holding my hand. We talked about the news, we just talked. He asked me how do you take your coffee, and brought me coffee in bed. We laid there for two hours talking about my work, his work. He said that I was stuck with him, and that he was glad I liked him, and genuinely smiled when I spoke of work. He had bought a throw blanket the night before and slept with it, he gave it to me, and when he realized that it did not smell truly like him, he sprayed his cologne on it. I had slept in his tshirt which smelled of oil field and slightly like me, I dabbed my perfume on it for him. Just a small dot. My heart felt like it was going to break as I walked out to my truck with him, hugging him like I just didn't want to let him go, but I had too. I made it home, and now here I sit, knowing that my Christmas moment was just that, a moment. Not a life changing all will be right in the world moment, but a small one to cherish. The ones you pick up and hold close, and inhale for all it's worth. I still thank God for the realness of it, and of him. I will miss him, miss the hope that he was the one, but know what it was, and as always is. I was played, out played, and it was my heart that knew it before my mind allowed. So I will dust  myself off and remember what I was thinking when I started this writing, coming full circle, I was hoping for change, and today I know it has to be now or never. To turn the page, and hope that this new year, well is a better one and that I stay focused and put my heart back inside that box and this time double lock and lose the damn key, and begin my healing of me......