Today is the first day of school, I just dropped my baby off to start his 7th grade year. AC/DC ablaze on his shirt, my son back in black to face this new year with more confidence than last year. He's growing up so fast, and before you know it he'll be a man. I pray everyday that I will do right by him. It's not easy being a mom alone, I never asked for this, but knew it would happen. I am not a dad, I don't know how to be a dad, nor do I know what a good dad is. To be a good parent you have to be both kind and firm. You should never be cruel, I know this, and yet I have been at times. Cruel in things I've said without thought to my kids, my daughter the most if truth be told. Why, because it will make her stronger, that's just mental bull shit I told myself to not deal with my actions. I own that, and I acknowledge that I am far from a perfect parent, nor do I want to be. Never want to be perfect, just fair. Hard to undo a lifetime of bad parenting. Yet, I forgive myself my faults. For I see this wonderful little boy thriving. There are days he is the only light that shines in my day. So much lays ahead of him, should he choose. There is the biggest thing I can do for him, is allow for him to choose, to make mistakes, but be there for him to help when he needs it, and to stand back and watch and love him. How do I guide him, to keep him from making the same mistakes that I did, I don't fear he'll make his father's mistakes. He's to good, to kind, and well his soul is far from damaged to be lost to his demons. The mistakes I made were in not preparing for the future. I live in here and now, without any savings, Bob took care of that when he wiped everything out over and over again. How will I get him through school, through college, through his first heart break. I can't even teach him simple things, like tying his shoes, riding a bike, how can I teach him to soar... Oh my self doubts eek through sometimes. I should try and look at what I have given him, and feel secure enough in knowing I do the best I can. I have given him life, love and security. He is surrounded by a brother and sister that adore him. He really truly lacks for nothing that doesn't sustain him. The only thing I can't provide for him is his father, or even step one. He's asked me many times, and I always hug him, and tell him, it's not that easy. As with everything, it's in Gods time, not mine. I hurt for him when he cries for his loss, when he allows the darkness of that pain to cloud his otherwise bright self. It hurts me, but I have to let him deal with it, work through it, and he always does. Just like the day I told him, that his dad had died, he cried, heart breaking to see and hear. His little body racked with immediate grief and loss, all I could do was hold him, let it happen, and then just when I thought he could cry no more, or I to bear it, he fell asleep, deeply asleep in my arms. Two hours, I pray that in that time, Bob reached out to him. I will never no, it's a nice fantasy, and beautiful thought, only God knows. My biggest wish and hope for him is to be great, at being just himself, and accepting of his ups and downs and learning to surf the waves of life.
My daughter has begun another semester towards becoming that teacher she yearns to be. She gets to shadow along side a middle school history teacher, and I pray she enjoys every minute. For the choice of careers should be part joy and that she gets fulfillment as well. She has become a remarkable young woman. I had some part in it, but mainly it's just who she is. She is quick to remind me of how much I place on her when it comes to her brother. I lean to much on her I know, it's not right to do this, and I will try to do better. She's a strong young woman, with a huge future ahead of her, no glass ceilings, no person to hold her down, besides herself. She's slowly shedding all the baggage she's carried, by just letting time heal her. She thinks all her own, doesn't have a problem speaking her mind, which I did at her age. She has not had to look for rescue or a way out, she is making one on her own. Someday when it's right, she find someone to "share" her life, not be her life, and that is the way it should be. She will come into her own on her own, and I am just so proud of who she is. I hear my mom in the back of my mind, whispering, if she's just "whatever" she'd be thinner, happier, healthier, blah, blah, blah, same shit she said about me....but I don't want to be that to my daughter, she knows, I don't need to tell her, she see's my struggle and well, again when it's right for her she will shed this old skin and become reborn as the person she wants to be, not the person anyone else thinks she should be. My daughter, I love her deeply and I am so proud of her, and well I couldn't be me without her. Bob's little girl, is more me then him, and well that's a good thing. I am grateful that she doesn't drink, smoke, or do any form of drugs. Her addictions are simple and she knows what they are, and I'll leave it at that. Her demons are relatively quiet, not soul taking like her fathers, or nagging like mine, so I am grateful that she can walk without fear. I pray that Bob is looking down at her and that he is smiling and knows that she will carry on the better parts of us...
Today is a new year of learning, changes for the future, and so it begins.
