I have never been able to just wait patiently. My mind has always raced to the what ifs. What if, disaster is coming? What if, it doesn't happen? What if, this time I'm done for? All good things come with bad things attached in my mind. All truths have lies around the edges. My trust factor is nil. So to wait for something good, is the hardest thing I have to do. Toes tapping, fingers too. I sit and wait for a person, a feeling, a soul filling need, to come into my life. I wait for the other shoe to drop as well. Where is my faith? I lost it years ago. In my mind, it's not going to happen in my life time. I know that I will not find completeness or happiness that fills my heart from another. I know that the only way I will find that feeling of completeness is through myself, only through me finding myself. How do I do that? I don't know, I struggle with that everyday. I wait....
My favorite friend, who I had not heard from in a long time, texted me out of the blue. My heart beat just a bit faster, my mind said be cautious, rightfully so. For I love this favorite friend more than I should be allowed. I have been hurt, lied to, manipulated for his gains, but my wants. Our last conversation months ago, I lashed out in drunken anger and jealousy. Truth stings, but when you're fueled by whiskey or wine you don't feel it as much. And truth is you don't care. He may of only deserved a quarter of my comments, but I let loose, and lost him.. Truth be known, he was never mine to lose. Anyway he texted, I responded, and boy how I had missed him came back with painful vengeance. I write to clear my mind, I write to clear my soul, and I write to heal. I wrote some things that were not true but spiteful, bitterly mean even. Do I regret writing, no, because I needed it, to be able to move along my journey. What should of been a new start, was really a stall. For I let him read what I had written, maybe is was my mind wanting him to know how I had felt, how he had made me feel. My heart should of known better. Open mouth insert foot, yep, would of been better. My pain became his truth and again a bitter pill to swallow. He is, in his soul, a very good man, with really a lot to offer this world, if he could get past his pain, his demons, and I would love to help him meet his potential, but I just took myself out of his life equation by being me. Spiteful, bitter, mean, angry, and drowning in my own pain. To many strikes thrown, to many I am sorry's, to much time waiting. However I simply said goodbye, but maybe someday he will forgive me my anger and pride and at least put out the hand for friendship, nothing more, but the giver of that old familiar smile, so I wait....
Work has been a bitch, heavy with everyone else's needs demanding my attention. I have let my needs go to the way side. Not been eating right, not been to the gym and drinking way to much again on the weekend. Oh not as much as I used to, but still more than I should. I dread Monday, I already know what's waiting. I keep thinking any minute they will stupid I really am, how much I just fake it to make it. The one thing I can't fake is my feelings and compassion for those in need. I know that's why I still do what I do. I suppose it fills a void for me. If give maybe, just maybe I'll get in return. I very rarely cry at work, because of work. But recently it has become a daily thing. Brief as it may be, because there is no crying in Neurosurgery, or baseball, either way it's not accepted. You do the job and move onto the next needful person. Do your best to patch them up and keep going. Lately, I can't patch them up, can't get them to the next level, they stay waiting..... I hate this, the waiting to move on....
The waiting for the longing for, the desire to be desired, but know that with each passing day your beauty fades and grays, and lines replace smooth skin, and desire becomes a thing of the past. Once lost to never regain. Each day another potential another chance to set things right, to move forward, to keep breathing, with that thought I realize this waiting.. I don't want to wait until my life is over, I want to live it and love in it now. I suppose the best place to start is within my heart, that's been waiting for me a long time......
