If you're just a dream, I don't want to wake just yet......

If you're just a dream, I don't want to wake just yet......

Tender, visions, pictures of people that are looking for something. Something as simple as a quick hook up to release the tensions of the day through non-emotional contact, and yes it does exit. Some are seeking a few new friends to just kill time and enjoy maybe a night or two out, to live a bit more than simply existing after work. Some are simply scam artist, looking to take from some poor unsuspecting lonely person. To some, they are looking for that one single being, the one who will end the need for putting one's self out in internet space for all the world to see. I don't know why I put the app on my phone, besides my boy's at work telling me too. At first it was thrilling to sweep left for nope and right for yes. Until there were more nope's than yes's. A few matches that were immediate deletes, such as "Hey I'm married, but really would like to meet and fuck you". Yeah, not that desperate, EVER! There were a few like Rob the bod, who wanted a weekly afternoon delight while he was in town.  He lived in Austin but worked out of San Antonio. He was hot, and very tempting, but not really something that would of happened. Then there was Ryan, newly separated, and really, really annoying, persistent, and well not my type. Many hello's that were quickly left unanswered. A few, I'm looking for a wife, a mother to my son, daughter, or both. Many who lived out of state, in town and ready for a great night out. Yeah, tender visions, with not so tender needs. Was about to delete this now becoming annoying app, when I came across a smile that just grabbed me. What is it about smiles that pull me in, especially the ones that show in the eyes, that are genuine. His did, his profile was just "I'm 6'5" and love to laugh and smile"... oh and that he was 271 miles away from me. That should of been enough for me to swipe left, but something made me swipe right. Match! He sent a hello, simple way to start, and I returned in kind. Response of how's  your day, I'm just coming in from being out at the pool, me responding in usual fashion with the truth of the day. He then said I'm in Midland, and will transferring with work beginning of October. Something made me immediately give him my number, he didn't respond. So I then said I was sorry for being so forward, and anyway left it at that. Then he responded on a Monday afternoon, with a picture of his smiling self. Something again about his eyes and the life that was in them, and of course the smile. Something that made me want to hope that this one, this man, was different. Innocent flirtation followed. Simple hello, how are you doing, every day kind of texts. Selfies sent. It all still felt innocent enough. We continued with the getting to know each other, the I grew up here, have this many siblings, the usual ten minute conversation in a text. He continued to want to get to know me, and me him. Felt connection from a distance. I began to hope, that this man, is the man I have been praying for. The man that would calm my fears of trusting, that would love me in my gray years, that would carry me when I can't carry myself. The man I created in my mind all those years ago. Could this be the man that I allow to control some of my dominating personality? Could I give into him, could he balance my chaotic existence? These thoughts ran through my mind the closer the days came to when he might be really here. Here in the same town, really here for me to touch, kiss, see, hold and of course much more. His fears that I was toying with him he admitted as well, was wondering about me and other men. Other men? I don't know why it's so hard to believe that for me there isn't any others. I am built that way. I concentrate on one at a time, well when I am truly interested. If I wanted to graze, I wouldn't of chose to seek him out every minute of my day. If I wanted to continue to graze, Tender would still be a daily app I'd visit, instead of being in my delete grave yard. I think he texted or I texted every day, not a day would go by that a good morning wasn't sent. Afternoon hello's, evening how was your day texts. Pictures of self again, intimate, and not. I began to look forward to every morning, to his calling me baby. See I have never in my life allowed anyone to call me baby, until him. It felt, strangely, right. I think I truly loved looking at his face, in every picture he'd send. His reply when I'd send him a selfie, for just in case he forgot what I looked like, was "Your imprinted on my mind". Hooked, yep, like a big old fish. So the day came that he was supposed to be here, he couldn't make it yet. To many issues keeping him in the other town. I can understand, and I will give him the benefit of a doubt. But I need to wake up and get back to being in reality. He is not here, and well may never be, and even though he seems to be everything that I swore didn't exist for me, he's not, simply because he's not here. So I suppose he doesn't exist, for me, but does for some other lucky woman. Why does it always seem I choose the unattainable, the unavailable. I suppose it's easier to stay in a dream state than to handle the harshness of reality, some days more than others. It's pure comfort and pleasure, but it's not real. Pain is real, breathing is real, walking, talking, sharing and true caring, is real. Texted words are just empty promises, and nothing more. Even so, I truly didn't want to wake, but the alarm of today has broken that dream... Up I get going, and off into this day, still alone with my thoughts and time..... but what a dream it was.....

To tease is to want

A friend of mine recently said to me "To tease is to want".... I really didn't pay much attention to the statement at first, but it kept coming back into my mind. I started teasing, if you may, the meaning behind it, and it made me realize that it's true. To tease is to want, many things, such as to tease is to want attention, the attention of others, male and female, acknowledge me, maybe. To tease is to want attraction, look at me, am I the one, try me. To tease is to want connection, in this world of less interaction physically, we seek connection outside our norms, texting has become common,  no more calls with sounds, just written words, but still connection. To tease is to want affection, that is what it is, we are all seeking emotions of affirmation, whether to just make ourselves feel something be it good or bad, we so desire affection from others. To tease is to want, yeah, the list goes on....... Over the past few years I have become more of a person without a filter, and I say and do things without sometimes, really thinking them through. I have become an advertisement if I may say, advertisement of myself. See the act of  teasing is done with simple words, with my actions, and with photos, seems to have become a comfortable norm. I think I'm not alone in doing this, I see others, everywhere. Social media has opened a lot of people up to that. We have become our own commercials. We put ourselves out there to masses in order to bring in the right customers. Although we are not selling a product, per say, we are selling something of ourselves. Yes, selling something. The picture of a cup of coffee a smile, may be just our attempt to share a moment in time, or is it our draw for likes? We are purely, sometimes, just looking for our friends, acquaintances, and maybe lovers approval. Their responses to whatever our need is at the moment the commercial was made. The right customers to fill that void, a need, a purpose. So we put up a picture, selfies and life shots. We put up a meme to announce "look at me" to shout "listen to me" or simply "pay attention to me". We type out to the world comments of our days events, our thoughts, our selling points to bring in the comments or just to get them out of our heads, like I do often. So that little phrase, to tease is to want, means a lot. Has made me think about what I do want in my life, what I do want to attract, and what I do need. That phrase, to tease is to want, has made me think of how I should be presenting myself, what I should post, what I should say, just a little....... First, I acknowledge that I am far from perfect, and gratefully never will be. However, I know that I can improve on what I do, how I do it, and who I do it for. I do things from myself, mostly, that is true, but I should be more mindful of who I affect beyond me. Who do I affect with my actions? I affect maybe my children, my co-workers, my dear friends, and in the future my love. For we all don't just post positive, we post negatives, hurtful things, and sometimes very questionable things. These things can always come back and haunt you, especially now that we are putting it all out there for the masses. To tease is to want, yep, and that want has gotten bigger and less fulfilled........This friend of mine has me thinking, and that's a good thing.