Autumn leaves on the path before me....

You and I traveled for a long time along the same dirt road, some areas were rougher than others, but we traveled it together. Throughout our walk, it felt like many occasions I was carrying you. Especially near the end of our time, when your body was frail from disease, and your cough became louder as you tried to breathe. All that could be heard was your struggle to just live, the sound beating loudly in my ears. To some our path was to heavy a burden, one to forego, but not for us, for love and hope gave us strength to continue our walk, until the end. 27 years we walked together, then God gave you an exit towards a more restful path. Your suffering in this world had been long enough and it was time for you to move on, without me. For your journey was completed here and mine was nowhere near finished. You said to me before you parted, that my life would be better now, I would no longer have to carry you, or worry about you, and then you slipped away along that gilded path. Leaving me, alone to stumble for awhile. Left to take in the surroundings along my own road. See the grass go from green to brown and back again. See seasons change, some harsher than the years before, but see them I did and will.

This morning I woke up thinking about Bob. About his good heart, the one that he tried to please others with. The one he desperately tried to please me with. I spent so much of my time thinking about all the things he did wrong. The lies, the stealing, the drugs, the alcohol, the never keeping a job, so much so that I missed the simple, loving things. Yes he couldn't help himself, lies were a way for him to pave his road of good intentions. He wanted to be so much more than he allowed or could even believe in. His demons controlled him, and then ultimately his disease did too. I didn't appreciate how he showed his love and or his need to try and please me. Many times over he tried, and many times I failed to say thank you or give in return. He was the keeper of the house. He cleaned this home, kept the cob webs away. He tended the yard, mowed, edged and kept the weeds at bay. He kept the clutter hidden, and did not allow it to overwhelm our home. He made the dinners and fed the kids, did the laundry and kept us in clean clothes. He watched over us at night, sometimes not sleeping and just watching the on goings of the neighborhood. He drove the kids to their functions, to their friends, took me to work from time to time, and always tended to Connors every need. He made my lunches, left me love notes to try and make me smile. He'd be the voice that would lead me safely home every night and wait for me to pull into the drive and take what ever bit of badness from my day into him. He made love to me, for me, was always about me for as long as I can remember, and it hurt him near the end of his life not to be able to give where once he was the master at making me smile. Now today I reflect on his need to please me the only way he could, by giving of himself. I only looked for the material offerings, something I had learned from my parents. Something I am so sorry that I did learn, and trying so hard to unlearn now, a little to late, I know. I fully know I let my anger, my walls, my self absorbing ways, ultimately cause him pain. I suppose my punishment to him, justly, maybe, but one shouldn't be so unloving. I can't change the past, can't tell him now how sorry I am that I didn't love him more, or tell him more, or show him more through hugs, kisses, and kind words. I find myself wondering if I will ever get the chance to love again, to find someone that will equally give, and allow me to give in return. I don't know if that kind of man exists for me. Lately all I find are takers, and the negative side of me thinks this is an acceptable punishment for the years I selfishly took Bob for granted. Selfish, yes I was. I can hear him now, when he'd say "It's not always about you, Cin", how that phrase rings true. I only focused on me, on my pain, my lot. How much I was doing for the good of my family. Me, me, me... I was so unhappy that I wouldn't even try to let him make me happy, feel loved, feel really at all anything good. My need to try and control, ultimately failed to bring any control, just chaos and loss. When will I learn to just live, lay back and let life happen? When will I stop overthinking and trying to force things in alignment? I don't know.... All I do know is that I will walk on, down this path I started along time ago. I know I will stumble, maybe fall, but I will always get back up, well as long a the good Lord lets me. I know also that I will always think of Bob this time of year, for this is when I lost him, and myself for awhile. This week I was tested, and I stumbled, I gave into my weakness and let doubt of my abilities side line me, but not finish me. This too made me think of Bob, for he stumbled, picked him self up, because of love for his family, until we wouldn't help him anymore, we failed him, through failing to love him to forgive him in the end, when he was truly wanting it...... I also have met someone, well almost. He's not here in San Antonio, not yet, but will be in a few weeks. I think his asking of me to think about someone else pleasing me, allowing a loss of control, even if just purely physical, has me asking myself can I? I couldn't let Bob know he fully pleased me, though he did unlike anyone, before or after him. I don't want to not let anyone know how I feel in the moment and after the moment has passed, or allow myself to miss out on feelings of joy, happiness and yes intense pleasure. I truly don't know if I can give up self control and allow someone else the reign over me, to give into them. We will have to wait and see. If this man is as good as his heart seems to be, I ask myself, am I worthy of him? I would hope that I am, and that I don't destroy myself trying to stay in control and closed off. That I can be more open and trusting, giving, sharing, caring, and hell just loving outside the box and the walls I have created. So today, as I remember Bob, reflect on the past, and hope for the future, I am trying to enjoy this season of my life that's just starting.... Fall is in the air, the time is coming that the leaves will be turning bright beautiful orange, yellow, and red. These leaves of Autumn will blanket the side of the road I travel, and I will step with confidence through them, and hope to feel alive and brilliant, and on fire, like the colors that surround me on this path, like the fire that burns within me, that guide me and allow me to travel alone for awhile longer.