short chapter of John Gideon

As I sat across from him in this dive bar that he liked to crawl to frequently, he seemed a bit nervous. He hadn't expected for me to walk in. Kept watching the door, waiting for someone, I can only assume. No bother to me, I was here just for that. He asked what I was doing there, said I was in the neighborhood. He didn't buy it, he knew I was far out of any neighborhood I frequented. So I took a deep breath in, slowly exhaled, and told him, "I am here looking for you, we need to talk". You know the start of many, shit moments. When you lay everything right there on the table. Truths hurt when not expected. You see, him and I had been playing cat and mouse games for awhile. He would draw me in then push me away. A man that liked to have his cake and eat it too. The problem was I don't like sharing, especially if my body is involved. To many damn things a person can catch when fucking someone that is seeing others. He always says "I'm not seeing anyone, I mean you and I aren't really seeing each other either". Just fuck buddies. Yeah, good line, good times. Maybe I should of refrained from starting this path of intimacy with him, should of known. But man, when I met him sparks flew. Damn, he was everything I thought I wanted in a man. He was smart, college and life educated, had a great sense of humor, wicked good looks, smile to knock the panties right off of you, head full of black wavy hair, and man those eyes, steel blue, that seemed to just cut right through you. John Gideon, was the epitome of perfect, in my warped mind. 56 years old, Retired military, now working on his second career, EMT with the county. Saving lives, always, this warrior I seemingly fell for. He was divorced within the last 2 years, had 2 kids, one boy, one girl, both in college. Living at home, well divided home. Part time with his ex and most times with him. Made for difficult meetings. He had that bad boy air about him, tattoo's, motorcycle rider, fit and firm, but had a gentle side, good with kids, not afraid to cry, or at least said he did. Friend to everyone, would give the shirt off his back if a brother needed it. His downside was that he caused the failure of his 30 year marriage. Cheated way to many times, and she finally had enough of living a lie, he said she told him that she really didn't love him and hadn't for many years. He said he felt aimless and a bit shell shocked, and said that's what drove him to seek all those women. I thought I could overlook that, I mean, they grew apart, she couldn't or wouldn't meet his needs, and he had some needs. Very sexual being, common ground for us, another problem. It's funny what we will tell ourselves to make the situation seem right. He kept saying that he didn't want his kids to know that he was seeing anyone yet, he had hurt them enough and was trying to work on mending that broken fence as best as he could. Secret meetings, secret life with women. The problem was that he continued to see the woman that he had the affair with. Rachel, oh beautiful blonde Rachel. Little petite woman, sharp nose, hazel eyes, and bit busty. Then again nothing as busty as me, which was his draw point, that and my eyes, mine are Kelly green, I too was blonde, long blonde hair, but far from petite. Oh the things we grab onto and try to believe. The truth is I did not envy her, this woman that continued to occupy his time, his life, his fucked up life, because karma in my opinion will fix that in the end. However it did sting a bit knowing that she did hold him more and see him more than I ever would. When I first found out about her, before we ever had our first tryst, I was hurt, dumbly, I thought I could let him go, I was the better woman, I do not take what is not mine. Unlike her, I would not or could not do that to another woman. He of course said he was sorry he mislead me, hurt me, blah, blah, blah. He excused all of this with saying "It's just lonely convenience, she lives near me", You live to far away, and can't easily have me over to your place because of your children", then he'd always end it with "She's not my future". So I bought it, initially. Dove right into his bed, getting tangled in sheets and his web of deceit. I mean after all the sex was hot, and after being widowed now for 4 years, and being without for longer, it was hard to say no too. The thing that started me thinking different about him and I, was that I chased him, I called him, I texted, initiated everything. He did not. I sold myself out, I cheapened myself, all for a  few moments of pure pleasure. I don't truly regret it, just wanted to be more I suppose. When he was pushing me away, he'd say "I value your friendship, I need your friendship right now, I'm to fucked up and need to work on me, and with my life being such a wreck I can't give you more". I would say "Of course, I understand", after all I am such a giver, a healer, full of shit. Anyway little gnawing feeling would clutter my mind sometimes. So much so that I found myself being the detective, looking at his friend pics on social media, and just connected the dots. The lies became less hidden and way more transparent. His recent story of taking a trip with college buddies to Daytona, turned out to be, Rachel beach get away. The boat that he recently bought, amazingly showed up in her posted pics. You see, gut instinct always gets you the answer. So here we where, him and I at a cross road, in this pub, the pub and he reeking of stale beer and cigarettes. Which actually helped me to overcome wanting to just run. So how's Rachel, I started, he quickly countered with "Not again, you know it's very complicated, between her and I". "I told you that, what gives, why are you bringing her up"? Felt a bit nauseated, actually, but I calmly said to him "Because you put me at risk with your behavior, your lies, and well I am worth more than what those risks could bring me". Blank stare back, "what lies"?. Great here he goes, deny, Mr professional smooth talker. "Let's see, the beach, the boat, the I have to be home with my kids for dad responsibility,  yet all the while you are with her". Reality with those words cut my heart, I thought I could handle this. For a minute I almost regretted coming here, for confronting him, almost thought of begging for him to ignore me, like I'd done before. Almost let the thought of not having him, even briefly in my life, scare me, for a moment. Then I saw the annoyed, fuck me, look in his eyes. Narcissistic bastard that I knew he truly was, started to show through. "I told you I couldn't give you more, you remember? You chase me, you offer you to me". Great, make me the one this is really about in his game. I saw red, but knew if I lost it, I'd lose it in many ways. I was mentally prepared to lose him, physically it would be harder, hurt more. That physical connection, aching need, he leaves me with, that I would have to overcome. His being indifferent was stoking that anger in myself, for letting myself succumb to him initially, but strengthened my ability to end it. I sat there for minute, then waved to the waitress. He looked at me as I did, sighed, knew then, I wasn't done yet, and she may walk in. As the waitress walked over, he started to get up, said he said "going to the head", I placed my hand down on the table, a bit touching his phone that was flipped face side down, because I knew he would take it with him. He waited til I moved my hand. So as I ordered a whiskey on the rocks, he walked away. No matter, I didn't really need to meet her, to confront her, because after all, maybe she deserved him more than I did. She deserved this dishonest cheating male, for I don't. So as I waited for his return and for my last drink with him, I let it all go with one slow exhale, blew it all out. My drink and he arrived at the same time. I handed the waitress the money for drink, told her to keep the change, and sipped that first cool taste, then allowed the heat of the whiskey to fill me. I never took my eyes off of his, as always. He sat back down, I placed my glass down on the napkin, and smiled. I said, "You know you did tell me all that, I don't need reminding, you also told me that I deserved so much more, that I was more worthy of something better", still staring, "So, I at first thought I didn't, because I thought you were all I really wanted. Silly me, until you made me feel less, actually, made me feel used. This is when I realized that you were not worthy of me, you are worthy of a lesser woman". He was getting a bit more irritated with me, was about to cut me off when I said "No worries, love, it's all good. You can continue to have your cake, but you will no longer have my icing to enjoy". I finished my drink, before the ice melted, as usual, and he said to me fairly briskly "You are always so damn dramatic, so irritating really with all this, I warned you I was fucked up, now you are throwing it back at me, sorry hun, not buying it, I really don't care, you were a fuck when I needed it. No more, no less". I knew this was how he'd react, so I simply replied "and you needed it, as did I", flinched, just a little, but he flinched. "The difference is you came, you were always left spent, I was always unspent and left wanting something more". With that I drained the last of the whiskey from the glass, heard him exhale "Bitch". I smiled and as I got up, I answered, "Yes, but this Bitch is better than the one you bed regularly, and this Bitch doesn't need you, oh and you were right, your smaller than average cock, was really never enough"...This he could not deny, for he always asked, "Am I enough, I wish I was bigger to fill you with", always said this, and I would always answer he was, always tried to convince my self he was, almost was. "Fuck you" he said as I began to walk away, I smiled but didn't respond, I was done, and this time I knew I was. I turned and walked away, back out into the bright sunlight, back into the world for cheaters, losers, liar's and well lonely hearts. At least mine was for the moment.