I want to run, I want to forget I yern for you, I want to let you go, I want to not keep trying, I want to remove my heart and return to being the frozen one. I don't want to care this deeply for something that may be, may not be, is unknown. I don't want to need you, don't want this ache you left deep within me. I don't like the thoughts of not trusting these feelings for you, because of the fear that I am going to be knifed in the heart and left as a hollow shell, dry husk just resembling something that once was me. I don't like this fear of failing you by not finding you, helping you, pleasing you, so I feel as if I need to turn and hide away from this burning flame within me that the thought of you has stoked to life.
Yes, yes, yes, this is what I want to do, or think I do. It's so much easier not going on with looking for another soul to give my heart too. So much easier to stay shielded and protected. Yes, easier, but not what I want or what I need. I want to give into my dark passion while sharing my light as well. I want to share my whole self, body, heart, and soul with my chosen one. My chosen one, yes, the one I want. I don't want to settle for just another person to fill a void. I want the man I have dreamed of my whole life. Why shouldn't I hold out for him, fight for him, chase him? I want the one that matches me step for step. I need the challenge, not the easy target. I need someone that peaks my interest and desires, and can fill them and not run from them. I need the man that can handle all sides of me. I am a good girl for all to see, but the other half of me is a lot darker. I'm not just vanilla, I'm a whole mix of spices. Passion for life, best of both worlds. Such a high opinion of my self...Actually, yes, took me all my life to finally come to terms with who I am, and learn to love and welcome all sides of me. I can tolerate looking in the mirror now without thinking that I am at fault for the world or my families problems. I can hug myself and feel it inward not just a way to keep warm when feeling cold. I started this journey not to long ago, just trying to become better, more whole. The fact that I have become painfully aware of my need for a life partner, that is an extension of myself, is also a surprise to me. For a very long time I have so said "I need no other, just my kids". Foolish thought, yes I do need my children, but they don't complete all of me, just the mother side. I have been floundering to be whole. It goes well beyond just loving one's self. It's a blessing to have the ability to give of one's self fully to another. Support of another's well being, giving love, compassion, encouragement, pleasure, and protection, is an awesome thing to be able to do. To believe in someone else, to help drive them to meet the greatness they were born to reach. To enhance their life while enriching your own self, that's living. I want that, I want to do that. After all, I am a giver, always have been. I know I need to be more of a taker, be the one that takes his soul, to hold it close and keep it safe. See, still giving, even when trying to think of taking someone as mine. No matter this want this desire, I still need to find that one, or do I? If I close my eyes, I see him, in my mind I hold him, in my heart I fully love him, it's just in life that he's not available. I taste him, feel him, cherish him, I know him, yet he's still out of reach. My addiction, my simple obsession, my passions flame keeper, I know him, yet he's far from my touch. All in good time friends and family say, all in good and God's time. Will lightening strike twice, well, the fact that lightening didn't strike me the first time, does it change things? The question should be will lightening ever strike? Does it really need too? Is not the fire that drives me enough to find what and who I am searching for? What am I looking for, hmmmm. Good question. I have said before a warrior, someone that has survived this world, scarred, wounded, still strong, one that longs for life, love, completeness in self. Someone who's able to shield me against them, help protect me from the world and yes from myself. .... Must have a mind that is vastly knowledgeable, can carry on deep conversations, and yet light hearted when needed. Broad chest, large hands, height, head full of hair, eyes that burn into me and can stare me down, blue in color would just be a plus. Not many men can stare me down when I lock eyes, can only really think of one, just one. I need that connection, chemistry if you will, I need that electric even magical personal connection. I refuse to ignore that important part. Again I shall refuse to settle, I have done that to many times in my life. So, shall I remain alone? Possible, but with that I will not be letting my heart and soul down again. I am okay with that, if that is what God wants. I can wait a life time and if I have to I'll wait even into the next one I am born into, if that is the way it is to be. I am not hiding, I am here, out front, shining for the world to see, but will he? Will he find me, hell will he allow himself to want me, will he allow me to just be me, nurture above all I suppose, will he take the help I offer when he needs it, that's the thing about looking and wanting a strong warrior type partner, they have a tendency to refuse to show any weakness and allow help, can I over come that? I don't know, may be my undoing, the not being able to help. See there's a lot still that I need to learn about myself, so maybe it is a good thing that he is still out of my reach. Even so, I feel him, and know he's there, somewhere, maybe he's hiding in plain site as well, waiting for me when his time is right.......
