Road thus far

Choose the road less traveled, for it offers better scenery........

My road through life has been a bit rough thus far, very few moments of smooth pavement. Potholes, cracks, and steep inclines are more the norm. Thank God he made me with strong legs and heart to walk it. I am not complaining, for I know I am who I am because of the trials I have had to pass to continue surviving. I will sometimes falter and yell out "when will things start to go right for me". When will love stay, when will I make finances last, when will my life stay in a happy frame instead of constant turmoil? Then I breathe in and out, and think, it has. I was loved by a man with all he could give for 27 years, longer than many. I have healthy children, who are human with their own troubles and faults, and love me for being just their mom. I have a job that I love to do, may hate the low pay, but I love what I do. As for my daily chaos, well I think, if the waters were still I'd drown from boredom, I am alive and fierce because of it. I am thankful for my health, my ability to change myself for the better. Many can't, but I can. Hard work I am not afraid of. Failing, well I have many times, but I never lay down or will I ever quit trying. It's not in me. Like Dirk sings, I hold on.. Always have been one that never lets go. I know there have been many times I should have. Should of stopped believing and released many people and issues to the wind. However I don't, for nothing has been an anchor to drag me down, no never. I know I am hard on people I don't trust, have always had an eye for true human character. I see people for who they are, their lack of, or their future potential. So I see the possibilities, when most see a  hopeless being, I see a person, given the chance will shine and be the warrior that they always should of been. In some, I see and feel only contempt, for their soul and aura is dark, no matter how much they protest they are the opposite. It's a gift, I fully embrace. I am not here to be everyone's friend, or lover. I just know I am here, God's plan, not mine. So this pavement, broken and uneven as it is, well its a great path to who I am supposed to be. I am just not there yet. The past year as I have dealt with the scare of breast cancer, has been a huge learning curve for me. It's very eye opening, just having your mortality come in to full view. Thanking God, that I am currently breast cancer free, and will stay vigilant to remain that way. Continue to change my behaviors to better my odds. I have continued to deal with the grief over the loss of my life's balance, Bob. He will always be in my heart, and I will always miss him, but finally this year I am learning to let him go. Trying to let him rest in peace, finally. For the longest time, I have laid blame to my sorrows at his feet. Now granted he helped, but he was not fully responsible. My holding on, ME, I was responsible. I let him lie, I let him steal, I let him deceive the family, all in the thought of this is how it's supposed to be. One stays for better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, til death do us part. I mean after all wasn't that the vow I took in front of God and my family? Hind sight 20/20. We create our own happiness, we put our emotions into whomever or whatever we feel is what we need. I held on to my sorrows like a life line. I was more afraid of failing as a wife, friend and lover than I was of failing at being happy and complete. I mean after all my own parent's stay married through HELL, so why shouldn't I? Now they live apart, married, but apart. My mom is happier in her personal life. Sure, she misses her kids and grand-kids, but she doesn't miss my fathers hatefulness, or my youngest brothers carbon copy attitude. I suppose if Bob had lived, I would continued to wear blinders and continued to see who he could be, if he believed in himself, like I did. Like I said God's plan, not mine. Now what shall I do with the knowledge that my road is going on for a bit longer? I think I shall continue to walk, take in my surroundings on this road, this dirt road. I will continue to regret nothing, carry on as usual. Be me, give me when necessary. Take the days and nights as they come. Enjoy the smiles, the hugs from family and friends. Continue to strive for my own happiness. Live for the moment, and maybe I'll stumble on this road into the path of my future partner, or not. I will hopefully see my children succeed, to have families of their own. Live to witness my youngest show the world how great he is, watch him continue to rise and shine. Yes, hope, I will always have that. I have finally learned and accepted that my life it is what it is. That it is fully reliant on my choices, my path, and nothing more...

Now stand back and try not to choke on the dust I leave in my wake.....