Do you have any dry wall mud I can borrow.......
Today my mind has been full of self reflection, maybe it's because of this pain in my left glute, or just the fact it's been a long week, many ups and downs. Just thinking of the good and bad about my whole being. I have thought today that if allowed to pick at our flaws through out the day, one would always have festering sores with ugly scars to show the world our self dislikes. Badges of our own self hate for the world to see. Some would have huge scars, others mere scratches. Mine would be in between. I know my flaws, clearly, I have always been able to pick them out. I don't need others to do that for me. My mother and father did that well. If you don't see them, let me point them out to you. First off, I am critical of life, critical of others, be it friend or foe. I expect the worse from them, always steady myself for rejection, being used for what ever purpose that serves the other person's gain, being abandoned, being left behind, being lied too, being easily forgotten and replaced without a thought. I stand there like the wall I have built around my psyche, hard and uninviting. Trying hard to show, I don't need others, I am able to do this task of living on my own. May be a lonely stance, but that unsure side of my being feels protected fiercely with this shield. Wrong or right it doesn't matter, it's my flaw to see and deal with. I see the whole picture, and I'm painfully honest. Yep, call a spade a spade. Hateful, spiteful words without thought can easily spill out. Knowing that you can't take them back once said, yep, blows to others, without a punch thrown, I know, sometimes they are earned, but not always necessary. They seem to be a comfortable partner to another flaw that is a huge part of me, for I have a quick hot temper, that I sometimes can't control who I lash out at. Unfortunately I have let it out on innocents, like my kids. Something I always swore I would not do, since I had it dished out to me on a daily basis. The difference is I did not throw physical punches, but we know that the word sometimes hurts longer. I am working on this everyday, trying to give the more I love you's instead of negatives. It is a battle though, again I am aware of, no need to point it out. Shall we continue... I have a tendency to hurt myself, throw that punch into the wall. Yeah my knuckles to my right hand have bled more than they needed to. Surprised I don't have a boxers hand. I am physical, very violent in nature, however I refuse to lash that physical strike on any person. I'll take the pain back into myself instead of the object of my anger flair. You know like the cutter, who feels release of pain, when they bleed, I feel the release of anger, when sharpness of pain hits. Strange what we as humans take on as our norm. Self hate, disgust with the mirror, for we see the truth under the image. Ego, well that's not my flaw. Maybe mine is lack of, working on that. I know that I am one hell of a person, can take a lot on these shoulders. However, I wouldn't wish me on anyone. Shattered, battered, bent, far from broken, but far from being whole. I can't smooth out the wrinkles in the shirt of life for anyone. Don't own an iron. Even though I do have a lot of critical sides, I also know that with people I do love and care for, I am painfully loyal, another flaw. Because I will give them everything they need, and then I will do without. I will always try too soothe their pain, while just letting mine go untended. Again the idea of pain as a constant reminder I am here. The pain in my heart of not feeling lovable or that I deserve it. The pain of giving love and not knowing if it really matters that I do. The pain of not being enough, even though I should be. The pain of constantly starting over, trying to make the best of a bad situation. The pain of choosing what appears to be the wrong path to others, but the only path that I feel comfortable to be on. The pain of loss of my innocence to young and early, no fault of mine. The pain of not allowing one's self to give in. The pain of unfelt total pleasure, it's not allowed, the ability to give in that fully, for then I would have truly let someone in if I did, and we will not let that happen. That goes along with my flaw of the pain of giving and not receiving... Pain, what an old dear friend that word has become.
Recently a friend said "Someday, you will take a compliment, for what it is" Hmmmm, compliments, yeah, ummm, I don't handle those well. Those little could be truth's of the moment, what others might see, the little niceties, little foreign beings... Yeah, they don't make me comfortable actually. Sometimes they are words that feel like little ants crawling on my skin. I was not raised hearing such things, so forgive me if I make a snide comment back to "you look great", yeah I know a thank you should be all I say. To hear, "you know you're beautiful" doesn't make it a truth. Maybe in that person's mind it is, but not in mine. I suppose the saying that one may hear they are beautiful, but will only believe it when they hear from the one that they love, might work. Problem, I don't ever believe it, maybe I haven't truly met the one I could love, hmmmmm..... No it's more accepting to hear in the old comments of things like, you will not succeed in life, you will be a failure, you are painful to look at, you are a source of constant hurtful reminder of all the wrong in my life, the you are too fat, you are too lazy, you are not good enough. Yep, those comments I have tendency to believe.. Those feel like the compliments that my nature is drawn too... flaws in the surface of my life....I have been for first time in my 52 years working towards being comfortable with me. I am working on knowing what my corrective flaws are and trying to accept them. I am always going to work on trying to fully love me for the awesome creature I am, and I know I will get there. This is an outlet for me to just put into words what is not needing to fester anymore. I am not striving to pick at my flaws, this allows them to be out there for world to see, and to maybe begin to heal without the deep scarring that they could have. I will work on trying to believe I deserve the world in brighter more positive mode, that beauty is truly mine to have and to give love and receive.... I may never fully smooth out my surface, but hey cracks in the wall give it character, and Lord knows I have plenty of character for the world to see and well maybe enjoy.........
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