character flaws and all, make up a beautiful package in truth......

Do you have any dry wall mud I can borrow.......

Today my mind has been full of self reflection, maybe it's because of this pain in my left glute, or just the fact it's been a long week, many ups and downs. Just thinking of the good and bad about my whole being. I have thought today that if allowed to pick at our flaws through out the day, one would always have festering sores with ugly scars to show the world our self dislikes. Badges of our own self hate for the world to see. Some would  have huge scars, others mere scratches. Mine would be in between. I know my flaws, clearly, I have always been able to pick them out. I don't need others to do that for me. My mother and father did that well. If you don't see them, let me point them out to you. First off, I am critical of life, critical of others, be it friend or foe. I expect the worse from them, always steady myself for rejection, being used for what ever purpose that serves the other person's gain, being abandoned, being left behind, being lied too, being easily forgotten and replaced without a thought. I stand there like the wall I have built around my psyche, hard and uninviting. Trying hard to show, I don't need others, I am able to do this task of living on my own. May be a lonely stance, but that unsure side of my being feels protected fiercely with this shield. Wrong or right it doesn't matter, it's my flaw to see and deal with. I see the whole picture, and I'm painfully honest. Yep, call a spade a spade. Hateful, spiteful words without thought can easily spill out. Knowing that you can't take them back once said, yep, blows to others, without a punch thrown, I know, sometimes they are earned, but not always necessary. They seem to be a comfortable partner to another flaw that is a huge part of me, for I have a quick hot temper, that I sometimes can't control who I lash out at. Unfortunately I have let it out on innocents, like my kids. Something I always swore I would not do, since I had it dished out to me on a daily basis. The difference is I did not throw physical punches, but we know that the word sometimes hurts longer. I am working on this everyday, trying to give the more I love you's instead of negatives. It is a battle though, again I am aware of, no need to point it out. Shall we continue... I have a tendency to hurt myself, throw that punch into the wall. Yeah my knuckles to my right hand have bled more than they needed to. Surprised I don't have a boxers hand. I am physical, very violent in nature, however I refuse to lash that physical strike on any person. I'll take the pain back into myself instead of the object of my anger flair. You know like the cutter, who feels release of pain, when they bleed, I feel the release of anger, when sharpness of pain hits. Strange what we as humans take on as our norm. Self hate, disgust with the mirror, for we see the truth under the image. Ego, well that's not my flaw. Maybe mine is lack of, working on that. I know that I am one hell of a person, can take a lot on these shoulders. However, I wouldn't wish me on anyone. Shattered, battered, bent, far from broken, but far from being whole. I can't smooth out the wrinkles in the shirt of life for anyone. Don't own an iron. Even though I do have a lot of critical sides, I also know that with people I do love and care for, I am painfully loyal, another flaw. Because I will give them everything they need, and then I will do without. I will always try too soothe their pain, while just letting mine go untended. Again the idea of pain as a constant reminder I am here. The pain in my heart of not feeling lovable or that I deserve it. The pain of giving love and not knowing if it really matters that I do. The pain of not being enough, even though I should be. The pain of constantly starting over, trying to make the best of a bad situation. The pain of choosing what appears to be the wrong path to others, but the only path that I feel comfortable to be on. The pain of loss of my innocence to young and early, no fault of mine. The pain of not allowing one's self to give in. The pain of unfelt total pleasure, it's not allowed, the ability to give in that fully, for then I would have truly let someone in if I did, and we will not let that happen. That goes along with my flaw of the pain of giving and not receiving... Pain, what an old dear friend that word has become.

Recently a friend said "Someday, you will take a compliment, for what it is" Hmmmm, compliments, yeah, ummm, I don't handle those well. Those little could be truth's of the moment, what others might see, the little niceties, little foreign beings... Yeah, they don't make me comfortable actually. Sometimes they are words that feel like little ants crawling on my skin. I was not raised hearing such things, so forgive me if I make a snide comment back to "you look great", yeah I know a thank you should be all I say. To hear, "you know you're beautiful" doesn't make it a truth. Maybe in that person's mind it is, but not in mine. I suppose the saying that one may hear they are beautiful, but will only believe it when they hear from the one that they love, might work. Problem, I don't ever believe it, maybe I haven't truly met the one I could love, hmmmmm..... No it's more accepting to hear in the old comments of things like, you will not succeed in life, you will be a failure, you are painful to look at, you are a source of constant hurtful reminder of all the wrong in my life, the you are too fat, you are too lazy, you are not good enough. Yep, those comments I have tendency to believe.. Those feel like the compliments that my nature is drawn too... flaws in the surface of my life....I have been for first time in my 52 years working towards being comfortable with me. I am working on knowing what my corrective flaws are and trying to accept them. I am always going to work on trying to fully love me for the awesome creature I am, and I know I will get there. This is an outlet for me to just put into words what is not needing to fester anymore. I am not striving to pick at my flaws, this allows them to be out there for world to see, and to maybe begin to heal without the deep scarring that they could have. I will work on trying to believe I deserve the world in brighter more positive mode, that beauty is truly mine to have and to give love and receive.... I may never fully smooth out my surface, but hey cracks in the wall give it character, and Lord knows I have plenty of character for the world to see and well maybe enjoy.........

Road thus far

Choose the road less traveled, for it offers better scenery........

My road through life has been a bit rough thus far, very few moments of smooth pavement. Potholes, cracks, and steep inclines are more the norm. Thank God he made me with strong legs and heart to walk it. I am not complaining, for I know I am who I am because of the trials I have had to pass to continue surviving. I will sometimes falter and yell out "when will things start to go right for me". When will love stay, when will I make finances last, when will my life stay in a happy frame instead of constant turmoil? Then I breathe in and out, and think, it has. I was loved by a man with all he could give for 27 years, longer than many. I have healthy children, who are human with their own troubles and faults, and love me for being just their mom. I have a job that I love to do, may hate the low pay, but I love what I do. As for my daily chaos, well I think, if the waters were still I'd drown from boredom, I am alive and fierce because of it. I am thankful for my health, my ability to change myself for the better. Many can't, but I can. Hard work I am not afraid of. Failing, well I have many times, but I never lay down or will I ever quit trying. It's not in me. Like Dirk sings, I hold on.. Always have been one that never lets go. I know there have been many times I should have. Should of stopped believing and released many people and issues to the wind. However I don't, for nothing has been an anchor to drag me down, no never. I know I am hard on people I don't trust, have always had an eye for true human character. I see people for who they are, their lack of, or their future potential. So I see the possibilities, when most see a  hopeless being, I see a person, given the chance will shine and be the warrior that they always should of been. In some, I see and feel only contempt, for their soul and aura is dark, no matter how much they protest they are the opposite. It's a gift, I fully embrace. I am not here to be everyone's friend, or lover. I just know I am here, God's plan, not mine. So this pavement, broken and uneven as it is, well its a great path to who I am supposed to be. I am just not there yet. The past year as I have dealt with the scare of breast cancer, has been a huge learning curve for me. It's very eye opening, just having your mortality come in to full view. Thanking God, that I am currently breast cancer free, and will stay vigilant to remain that way. Continue to change my behaviors to better my odds. I have continued to deal with the grief over the loss of my life's balance, Bob. He will always be in my heart, and I will always miss him, but finally this year I am learning to let him go. Trying to let him rest in peace, finally. For the longest time, I have laid blame to my sorrows at his feet. Now granted he helped, but he was not fully responsible. My holding on, ME, I was responsible. I let him lie, I let him steal, I let him deceive the family, all in the thought of this is how it's supposed to be. One stays for better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, til death do us part. I mean after all wasn't that the vow I took in front of God and my family? Hind sight 20/20. We create our own happiness, we put our emotions into whomever or whatever we feel is what we need. I held on to my sorrows like a life line. I was more afraid of failing as a wife, friend and lover than I was of failing at being happy and complete. I mean after all my own parent's stay married through HELL, so why shouldn't I? Now they live apart, married, but apart. My mom is happier in her personal life. Sure, she misses her kids and grand-kids, but she doesn't miss my fathers hatefulness, or my youngest brothers carbon copy attitude. I suppose if Bob had lived, I would continued to wear blinders and continued to see who he could be, if he believed in himself, like I did. Like I said God's plan, not mine. Now what shall I do with the knowledge that my road is going on for a bit longer? I think I shall continue to walk, take in my surroundings on this road, this dirt road. I will continue to regret nothing, carry on as usual. Be me, give me when necessary. Take the days and nights as they come. Enjoy the smiles, the hugs from family and friends. Continue to strive for my own happiness. Live for the moment, and maybe I'll stumble on this road into the path of my future partner, or not. I will hopefully see my children succeed, to have families of their own. Live to witness my youngest show the world how great he is, watch him continue to rise and shine. Yes, hope, I will always have that. I have finally learned and accepted that my life it is what it is. That it is fully reliant on my choices, my path, and nothing more...

Now stand back and try not to choke on the dust I leave in my wake.....