There once was a broken warrior who attempted to capture the guarded soul of the queen of hearts. He only succeeded in making her build her walls higher. Locking herself away inside her lonely tower for eternity, trusting not one single soul. Always vying to protect her mangled broken heart from years of deceit and trust lost. Love always being empty promises. She cast out the warrior, locked the gates and melted the key... Whispering never more, never more.......
My best friend knows me well, I tell her how I can't keep thinking of you, my wounded warrior. How you consumed my thoughts, mind, body and soul. How it will never be more than what it is now, which is really nothing. I tell her how I need to let you go. She just says, you do what you feel you need too, but she thinks I am running away from what could be. Keeping my heart locked away and keeping the pain at bay. She's right, but it's what I do, self preserve......I swore when Bob died I was never going to love again, or even try. Never desire another human as I used to long too do. It's easier not needing anyone, it's easier being alone. It's easier not having another person touch your body in a way that leaves you open and vulnerable. It's easier to take what is needed from others and walk away, without a word or reason why you don't return the calls or texts. It's easier to shut down and not feel... Easier said until you cross paths with the one your heart made up years ago, thinking it's safe to make up this man that will never exist. God has a funny sense of humor to place these stumbling blocks in your path. He laughs as we trip up in the middle of our already crazy and emotional roads, and on you I fell over, scrapping my knees and palms, causing superficial cuts that will heal without scars. The pain and tears of knowing that I could give you everything is to much for me to bear at times. You are unavailable, wrapped up in your own world. I need more than you can give, I know that. That's why everyday I swear, I'm done. No more chasing you, no more texts of simple hello's, or longing thoughts. Everyday I swear I am done, until you reply and a smile slips over my face and my heart leaps. Usually works to buy you one more day of my trying, until today..... I will not hear from you. You are occupied, I will not send anymore morning sunshine's or goodnight sir's. I will not try anymore. I need to be chased myself, I need to be wanted and needed first. I need to be the only one, not one of many. See God allowed me to meet you, a player, a womanizer, a man that can not be happy with just one woman. Your curse, not mine. My curse is not being able to trust, believe in, or hope for you or anyone for that matter. To many crushed dreams of happiness for it to ever be a reality. To many lies, to many times my gut instinct has been spot on. So even though I know I could of loved you deeply, completely, and that sexually I would of matched you if not over powered you, I will shut this door. Lock it, and try to hide the key. No dances in the dark, no moments to be wrapped up in each other, no simple conversations early in the AM when sleep evades us. No touching, no connecting, no kisses, no moments of intense passion, none. All these were unintended promises, carrots in front of the cart. Empty longings, going nowhere. The reality of the whole situation is that it is all just a mental mind fuck. Nothing more. I can easily turn to another unavailable male for simple mind fucks if I choose, but I don't, to easy. I like challenges, I like to win. With you there is no winning, just losing on my end. So to save my psyche and heart I cut my loses now. I have not lost really anything beyond words and simple pictures, nothing of my personal self. So yes, it's easy to just turn off the phone, concentrate on my day, my life, my progress in the whole scheme of this game called simply existing. Maybe you truly were just a way for God to wake up that part of me that I thought gone, thought dead. Maybe God just tried to make me realize I can feel something, and that maybe someday I can try again. Maybe.... Just not today, and not with you. I've heard to many times that I deserve so much better, yeah, sure. Haven't met better yet, or really Mr. go all the way where my soul needs him to go. Nope, at my age he doesn't exist. No lightening to strike twice for me, no fire to burn brightly for, that's the reality, not you. You can stay a broken warrior, and I will stay a guarded queen of hearts.....
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