yoyo

Just like a yoyo....

Ever get tired of being pulled forward then thrown back. Promises of that comfort only to be then met with silence. Start of day that is up and feeling great, then crashing mid way with badness. Going up and going down, over and over again. That's been my world for the past few weeks. Professionally and personally, kind of makes you a little insane at times. To say I have yelled f'me more than once a day is an understatement. Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. I can't see myself doing really anything else. It's just lately there are more bad days than good. Could just be me going through changes to me. I've thought of that, taking Tamoxifen is not easy, but a necessary means to and end. At least I pray and hope it is. Still the changes to my emotions have been sometimes unsettling. I have always had a short fuse, but lately it's shorter. I have always allowed myself moments to cry, for it's the body's way for emotional cleansing. Just lately it's for ridiculous reasons. However I am trying to be more positive than I used to be. Realizing how much I give and mean to the world around me is a new process, and realizing these unwanted emotions are just part of the package, is also a new concept. I'll get there. Now what to do about work, about the good day/bad day combo, everyday. Hmmmmm, I suppose I can just let it happen, learn to accept that I can not control everything. Good concept, problem is I always want to be in control. Hard to relinquish that role. Maybe I should replace my frequent verbal onslaught of profane words with alternatives. Fudge instead of F***, well, yeah, NO! Can't change something I love to say. However I do suppose I could breathe in and breathe out, count to ten, think of a sandy beach and smile before I say it. Think about the fact that everyone is trying to just do the best they can at their job at hand. Mistakes get made, silly and annoying questions get asked, ridiculous demands are made, and the world around us asks to much of us, some days. I need to just learn to accept that, move on. These past few weeks, let's hope, are just that, passing, past, and that the good days will out weigh the bad ones soon. I can hope for that.

Now as for the yoyo effect in my personal life, feeling up and then feeling down, is just the way it's going to be. There is no one that is truly pulling me closer and pushing me away. He doesn't exist, I do that to myself. I do know that I should distance myself from destructive behavior that I have a tendency to be drawn too. It's in my nature, you know being "Cin" and all. My dark side can be comforting to me. It is a place I don't mind visiting, but I don't want to live there. I do like my brighter side, the happier side, the positive side. That place is fairly new to me actually. I suppose I am fearful of staying on that side because in the past it was taken away all the time, all the damn time. Promises of a better tomorrow, never came. Promises of change for the good, again never came. Promises to always be there, well they are not here. The dark side would whisper stay with me, I'll protect you, I'll shield you from all that is wrong. Darkness is a wonderful lover actually, but not a great friend. Not a great healer, and not what I truly need. I prefer the warmth of the the light. Now again lately I am trying, trying hard to stay warm. I am also embracing my "Cin" side, for I know I am amazing, strong, and worth so much more than I give myself credit for being, over these past 52 years. "Cin" is just a wonderful part of me. An expression of my passion for life and love. I suppose I miss her, that sensual side that is all powerful, and controlling. She too walks with purpose and has so much to give, of herself. Blessed was I with this nature, just who do I choose to let her touch and control is another question. How to combine my beauty and my beast, how to balance my good with my bad self, they both want control. The light and the dark side, I truly do think that they compliment each other. So maybe the yoyo effect of being me well works better. Give and take, I mean isn't that what life is.

So balance is what I am trying to obtain in my everyday existence, just like the rest of the world. Harmony between good and bad, light and dark, ups and downs, control and the loss of control. Equal partners really in the grand scheme of things. So I will take the good when can and someday's curse the bad, other days I'll embrace it as being just how it is for the moment. So while I play yoyo I might as well learn to "walk the dog" and roll on.....