What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

I have never been overwhelmed by the thought of someone, until I met him. I found myself with the idea of him crashing into me, all day. I have never been able to not fully focus on the task at hand, but he sent my mind into a million different places. He has a strength about him and force that called to me to walk toward his dark passions. His needs, I at first thought, are deep, deeper than mine. He is that demon that I can't say no too, the secret desire to spark my inner self. He awoke in me a part that I thought dead. My Cin, she has been fully asleep for more than 10 years, well actually, Cin started slipping out of my consciences a longer time before then. My Cin's passion for life, love, desire, intimacy has always been intense. To much for the average, and I had settled for less than that. So Cin was gagged, sedated for most of my adult life. She'd roar through when passion stirred between me and another, but never satisfied by the encounter. Cin would sulk in the corner of my mind, pout and stamp her foot to go find him, but I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't even try. I married a man that knew how to coax her to the surface, but he could not keep her there every day. That Cin side of myself was a bit much, and he had other demons to deal with, than my deepest needs or desires. He used to say I was the lock and he was the key, and loved opening me up to let Cin out to play, his favorite Cin. He was the first one to say that, call me Cin, call me out. So when he brought that wild child to life, it was magical, but was only a moment of brief sunlight, brief breath taking rises to the surface, just that, brief, and over in a flash. Other parts of my persona always pushed Cin into the background. The mother, the provider, the fighter, all elbowing her to be still, be quiet, let them do what needs to be done. So down she went. Curled up in a ball, waiting, and waiting. When grief took over after my husband died, I was sure that part of me was lost forever. That side of me that I truly relish and come alive in. My secret beautifully longing child. The one who loves and thrives on touch, the pleasures of all my senses. She allows me to dance in the dark, frolic in the sand, float upon the water, and dive deep to rise up to the surface again, and again. She gives me the strength to push a man up against the wall, pressing his back firmly against it. She gives me the drive to take that bull by the horns and ride that bronc to breaking. Yes, she gives rise to all my deeper needs. Finding the one that can meet those for me, is another story for most if not all of my life, he was not to be found. Then all of a sudden I turn a page and there he is, I thought, for a moment. For he quickly picked up on Cin, and I knew she'd be his favorite if he could have her, but he couldn't, or I wouldn't. I toy with the idea of letting her take over, allow me to be different than my controlled persona. I think Cin would be very much in charge of where she leads us, but not so sure she'd allow me to keep it. Cin would want to move on,  if left with the feeling of not enough connection and completeness with another human being. So I am sure she will keep me searching. Cin loves to sing for me, I do believe she is truly the underlying melody that allows my heart to beat on.  Cin loves to live, drink, enjoying every moment of intensity. I pay for my Cins behavior issues, me, I own it. She is me, I am Cin, and I want to break free from the chains that have kept me unfulfilled, that have caged my chance for happiness and completeness. I wanted to walk to this man and lay my hands palms up for him, to take and lead me down that path, that I have been longing to take for far to long. However it will not be with him, for my fear of falling and ultimate rejection can not be over come, and timing is not in place for both of us. My wants and needs may truly be more than he can endure. So, again I await for my life to move toward alignment with the stars. My Cin is awake, whispering in my ear, and waiting, toes tapping to the rhythm of my heart. I feel her and I whisper, I can take the chance now to allow us to be as one. The point is I am awake, finally. A part of me can thank him for that, at least. For now his spell is broken by reality, and the only wicked part that remains is the glint in my eye and smile I keep when I think about what fun my future will hold, and onward I will step......