Walls

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall....

Walls...I have worked on raising mine all my life. Each brick placed to block out oncoming attacks from all sides. Bricks to shield me from pain, misery, deceit, bad weather, and anything else that could attempt to come through and weaken me. We are not born with these, and some lucky souls never ever have to raise one single layer. Others, only a small one that can easily be taken down. Mine however is greater than the great wall of China. It is tall, built solid, built with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Tears to wet the cement of protection. There have been moments in my life that I removed a few bricks, let a few people enter and let them leave. Then I would reseal it, and put more bricks up for bolstering. I let my walls crumble a bit when I met my late husband, trust was not an issue at that time. So those bricks had not even begun to be made or laid. However through the 27 years we were together, my trust was misused. To many lies, to much deceit, to many games. Up they started, higher and higher I built my walls. Bitterness, such a negative, acid carrying feeling, is also part of my wall, became a big part of it's make up. That bitterness, strengthens the wall actually. Don't know if I will ever loose that part. To many wrongs, to many bad decisions, to many let downs, to many wrong paths. My life is the unpaved path, lots of dips, over growth, briers, few flowers, and lots of mud that I have walked through. I do it, because I have too, and refuse to give up, I refuse to lay down and let someone trod over me. I try to let my guard down, a bit, from time to time. All in hopes to maybe take a few bricks out. Sadly, when I do, it's all for naught. I suppose the problem lies in the fact that I have poor choice in the ones I choose to get close too. I lean toward the broken, the battered, the narcissistic males of our species. Far from me the empathetic female that I hear I am. I suppose it's from what I learned was right, what to expect. I don't know how to turn to a strong, all together person. I mean after all, that's what I have to be. My walls, I do truly want them to fall, I do truly want to not be afraid of pain from love. I truly want to trust with all my heart, I just can't. I can fake it with the best. I do that with ease, ahhhh, another part of my wall of protection. Pretend to be all about what is going on with that potential male, seeking to help ease his pain. All in all, I'm watching his every move, picking apart his every word. Waiting for the shoe to drop, for the lie to be told, the pain to be given. For I have learned that to truly let them in only weakens my soul. I recently stopped pretending and really did care and try to ease someone's pain. My only thought was how to please them. I was trying to take bricks down to do this. Back of mind my voices kept whispering, be careful, be watchful, you are not paying attention. I tried to ignore them, as I continued on my path of trying to let him in. However they got louder, started yelling... Look, inspect, you silly girl, to finally I did, and his wall of deceit showed through. His playing ways were now obvious. So out came my cement and those old mistrust bricks were replaced. I suppose the point, the lesson to learn for me from this, is still to follow my instinct, my gut. Next time be more careful who I think about letting in. For I do hope there is a next time, right now, I don't think so, matter of fact I'm on my way out to by more cement, I still have a lot of new bricks to place.