Sunday Musing

Be gone from my heart, be gone from my mind, be gone the soul that had tried to leave me muted and blind..

You broke my heart with your cruel intentions, but strengthened my mind and will when I saw right through you.

I could of loved you, if you had let me, but your world of self doubt and need to control tried to change me. 

I've fought all my life to just be allowed to be me, wind in my hair with laughter and music in my heart. You wanted me to not share my world, but to keep quiet, still, and bending only to your needs, this would of killed me. 

No matter the desire to be loved or to give love, I will not allow myself to be under anyone's thumb, I have no desire to be controlled.

I stand tall, shoulders back and head held high, for the love I have for being me and free, has kept your chains from dragging me down. 

Sunshine is so much better than the dark place you kept taking my mind, and I rather walk in the sunshine than lay down and give up and live in your dark world.

For I am sunshine, bright, full of light and warmth, and at times someone who may need the moon to complete me. You sir are not the moon, but a mere shadow of something that could be.  

Mere words that rattle off this AM, trying to set myself right. I know that God has given me the strength to rise above many challenges, and has kept my will from being broken. All my life..... As a child I was beat upon because of my nature, my mouth, my mind, for existing. Those lashes upon my skin did not break me. For with each welt from the belt I became more determined to grow to be me, and untamed, and uncontrolled. I say what I think, and yes there are times that I should process and look over what I am about to say, but usually it just comes out. Sometimes I cast way to many stones into the water of conversation. Yes I also reflect back to much, and mull over things done and said, to see if there is something I can change, to make things better. Hind site is always clearer than some cloudy moments. Even so, I am working on becoming better, stronger and more mentally fit. This process of letting go of things that control me, like my silly ramblings of what ifs, my moments of not taking ownership of being a beautiful woman, is an ongoing challenge. It's easier to say I have no heart, even though everyone who knows me, can see right through that. I have a big heart, bigger than the size of me, which is fairly large. Another area of needed change, working on it. I would love to give myself some moments of lost control, but by my choice. Not from someone that doesn't know who I am. I am not a piece of clay that can be molded to fit everyone else's needs. I can bend, I can give, but I will not change shape. Can't go from a circle to a square. 

So I want to continue to feel the freedom of wind blowing in my face, whether on a mountain top, sandy beach or just from walking in the sun. I want to be the running horse always, with main and tail flying behind me. Exhilarated by just living in the moment.....I am a work in progress, and grateful that God keeps driving me forward and removing those that really do not fit into his plan for my growth and needs. Grateful for eyes that see, a mind that thinks clearly, a mouth that speaks truthfully, arms that can hold the ones I love, and a heart that beats strongly and that belongs to God and me. My only chains are the ones I have created not anyone else, and it feels pretty good to have those links fall one by one.....

I will go on living as the woman I am, taking ownership of being strong, bright, beautiful, loving and giving, and letting go of all these things that have weakened my spirit. Smiling finally and simply ask you to just let those ponies run, for I am among them........