knock, knock

I will never remarry....Nope, not going to do it. Been there done that. I find I do say that a lot. I suppose it's my defense mechanism. If I don't allow myself to think about a future with someone other than just by myself, I won't have to worry about goodbyes. I won't have to worry about being open, being laid bare by another person. I can laugh at loneliness, because it's a comfortable place to be. I know what to expect from it. No hurt feelings, no let downs, no loss, for it's already an empty place to be. Totally void of human connection....Easy to say, and I do my best to convince my heart what my mind constantly mutters in the stillness of the night. I am better standing alone, my mind voices loudly....but my heart has a voice of it's own. It screams out to connect, to bring lost feelings back. It screams out to let passion stir within my soul again, give into love and desire. My heart longs for conversation over pillows, over coffee, over time. Just wants to be able to hold onto a hand, feel the warmth on my skin of a gentle but longing touch. My heart longs for those deep looks that see right through your soul, see your dark side and accept all that you are. My mind battles my heart constantly. They are siblings fighting for the right to be my choice. So when I do think which would I choose, if I have the choice, if the option were there. I think the wise decision of course would always be to choose love. But my mind screams out, what is love? Feelings of lightness, bonding, togetherness, maybe connection of beings, or so we have been told. Or is it just a made up feeling, that man has bought into. Is love real, or an illusion? Hmmmm, I don't know. Hollywood sells it, as a cure all, books a million are written glorifying it. Men and women have died in the name of love. Children are born, in the name of love. Many say "I love you" just to get what they need, whether it be sexual, spiritual, or financial. It has become a word that is easily thrown around. I love that, when in all fairness, it's an object. Can you love pizza, does it complete you? Love is a many splendid things, hmmmm. Love of a child, now that's real. My mind can buy that, my heart is full of the love I have for my children. My heart shouts, there is nothing in this world like that feeling of utter joy, from that first site of your new born child, that kiss on a sleeping baby's forehead, the intoxicating smell of a child fresh from a bath. The giggles, the cries, completeness. That my mind and heart can agree, sounds like what love is. What is love between two people, but a challenge of wills, my mind asks? My heart sings out that it is so much more, it is the sharing of thoughts, is it the thrill of just two voices speaking to each other in the dead of the night. It's the wisp of hair falling across the face, that's gently brushed away.  It is the tear from complete orgasmic connection, felt only between two people in a moment of passion. My mind states, love can only lead to heated words, disagreements, rejection  and pain when love leaves. Ahh my heart sighs, yes, love can cause pain, fear, battles, but the feelings of trust, completeness, connection, safety, comfort, that is shared between two people out weigh the risk of all the badness that is felt when love is thought to have left. Ultimately love is worth fighting for....... We are thinking and feeling souls, we are given the ability to choose which path to walk. However I think that when it comes to loving someone, it comes out of nowhere. I suppose from left field. God taps you on the shoulder and presents a chance. Take it or leave it, but don't regret it...So I suppose that even though I swear I'll never love again, give myself completely to another, that's still just my mind trying to protect me. While my heart continues to beat and hope and urge me on to open up and try again. For we have so much love left to give....

When love comes knocking will I let him in, I hope so....