Walls

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall....

Walls...I have worked on raising mine all my life. Each brick placed to block out oncoming attacks from all sides. Bricks to shield me from pain, misery, deceit, bad weather, and anything else that could attempt to come through and weaken me. We are not born with these, and some lucky souls never ever have to raise one single layer. Others, only a small one that can easily be taken down. Mine however is greater than the great wall of China. It is tall, built solid, built with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Tears to wet the cement of protection. There have been moments in my life that I removed a few bricks, let a few people enter and let them leave. Then I would reseal it, and put more bricks up for bolstering. I let my walls crumble a bit when I met my late husband, trust was not an issue at that time. So those bricks had not even begun to be made or laid. However through the 27 years we were together, my trust was misused. To many lies, to much deceit, to many games. Up they started, higher and higher I built my walls. Bitterness, such a negative, acid carrying feeling, is also part of my wall, became a big part of it's make up. That bitterness, strengthens the wall actually. Don't know if I will ever loose that part. To many wrongs, to many bad decisions, to many let downs, to many wrong paths. My life is the unpaved path, lots of dips, over growth, briers, few flowers, and lots of mud that I have walked through. I do it, because I have too, and refuse to give up, I refuse to lay down and let someone trod over me. I try to let my guard down, a bit, from time to time. All in hopes to maybe take a few bricks out. Sadly, when I do, it's all for naught. I suppose the problem lies in the fact that I have poor choice in the ones I choose to get close too. I lean toward the broken, the battered, the narcissistic males of our species. Far from me the empathetic female that I hear I am. I suppose it's from what I learned was right, what to expect. I don't know how to turn to a strong, all together person. I mean after all, that's what I have to be. My walls, I do truly want them to fall, I do truly want to not be afraid of pain from love. I truly want to trust with all my heart, I just can't. I can fake it with the best. I do that with ease, ahhhh, another part of my wall of protection. Pretend to be all about what is going on with that potential male, seeking to help ease his pain. All in all, I'm watching his every move, picking apart his every word. Waiting for the shoe to drop, for the lie to be told, the pain to be given. For I have learned that to truly let them in only weakens my soul. I recently stopped pretending and really did care and try to ease someone's pain. My only thought was how to please them. I was trying to take bricks down to do this. Back of mind my voices kept whispering, be careful, be watchful, you are not paying attention. I tried to ignore them, as I continued on my path of trying to let him in. However they got louder, started yelling... Look, inspect, you silly girl, to finally I did, and his wall of deceit showed through. His playing ways were now obvious. So out came my cement and those old mistrust bricks were replaced. I suppose the point, the lesson to learn for me from this, is still to follow my instinct, my gut. Next time be more careful who I think about letting in. For I do hope there is a next time, right now, I don't think so, matter of fact I'm on my way out to by more cement, I still have a lot of new bricks to place.

Thanks Grandpa

I miss you, my summer keeper of safe and happy memories .....

I can still feel and see, my childhood summer memories, even in my darkest moments, they are light that guides me home. Those June bugs on a string, whirring around my head, silly laughter as they land on my shoulder. Chasing fire flies through fields as evening begins. The smell of grandma's catfish a cooking on the stove, and those blackberry stains all over my hands, mouth watering from the thought of that cobbler a baking. Singing as loud as I could in front of my make believe crowd on the back of my grandpa's old flat bed Ford. Bowing low for the standing ovations, and silent yells for encore, that I'd gladly continue to give. The smell of fresh mowed hay, the feel of weight of the bale as it was bucked up into that same old flat bed. The comforting sounds of cows in the back ground calling for their calves. Tomato's hot from the sun straight off the vine, bursting warm and sweet in my mouth. Strawberries glistening on the ground, picking until we couldn't pick anymore. Dirt roads to explore for miles and miles. Sassafras filling the air with thoughts of Root Beer floats, overflowing in the glass. Honeysuckle invading my senses and taking me away on the wind. Frogs a jumping into that old green pond, with the dragon flies darting to an fro. Grandmas lilac bush with purple beauty and fragrance that calms the soul. Coyotes howling at night, chasing that distant train, but never quiet catching it. All these memories seem like a dream, far off life that created the safe place in my mind. My only joy from my childhood, was the moments lived and shared on that old farm. 382 acres of fun, laughter, adventures, and lots of love without pain. I go there from time to time in my mind to reflect the innocence lost elsewhere in my life. My grandfather, Virgil,  was a simple, honest man, never an unkind word to me, never a hand lifted in anger. I loved him with all I had. The man who told me to tell them all to go to hell, he gave me that bit of strength in moments of my life that I felt that I might succumb to my life of fear and pain. In my mind this man would live forever, but we as mortals should know better. For he did die, in my heart and mind to young.  After he died, I dreamed of him, sitting at my bedside holding my hand and telling me again to continue to be strong, that storms were a coming and to remember I will be alright. I do believe he was fore warning me of things to come, and to this day I lean in on his memory. This man who taught me to fish, to just be able to sit on those banks in the sun and be still, listening to the water, feeling the world around me. He taught me to love the things around me, to not give up, keep waiting, that fish will bite when ready. He taught me to jerk that line, set that hook, and pull that life line in to me. He taught me that some fish get away, and that's Gods plan, not ours. Let them go, but never give up on continuing the chase. He disliked snapping turtles, only time I ever heard him say an ill word was when they would take his potential prize flat head off his trout line. His yelling of "fire in the hole" when catching Carp early in the morning, still rings with excitement in my ears.  I can still feel those moments of riding in the boat as the sun peaked up from the horizon, with fresh water misting up in my face. My first love of being near and on the water, I do believe came from being in those moments. This man taught me about life and death, about giving more than we receive, and being happy with the simple things that are found around us. I can still see him standing near his old tractor in blue overalls, red wing boots, and his bright light eyes. This farmer, father, my grandfather, this strong figure of a meaningful man, will never fade in my mind. He could fillet a fish faster and better than anyone I have ever seen, skin that fish and leave the heads as his trophies, as if he had to feed the wind with their spirits. He would sit out at the picnic table in the afternoon, fly swatter in hand, sure hand, hardly ever missed his target. Talking to the black squirrels, cracking the black walnuts open, leaving inviting fragrances to give to them, to keep them around, again sharing with the world around him. I see him sitting at the old black and yellow kitchen table, with his green coffee cup in the AM, black and hot that coffee was. A true man, if ever I knew one. I know he's the model of what a man should be, one I have in my mind and heart. May be no one that will ever fill that image more than he for me. He gave me what my father could not, the desire to live and love. He gave me peace when my life was in chaos. He gave a lap to curl up on, a hug without cost, and silent "I love you" in everything he did. He was not a man of many words, no, he was a man of actions. Character to me that was unflawed, truth, love, safety and strength was all I ever felt around him. I suppose I think about him today for I know he passed those abilities on to me. I am far from unflawed, but I am stronger than that little girl was all those years ago, and you were right grandpa, I am alright, and I'll continue to ride the storms out, another fish to catch and I will always continue this chase all my life.....

What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

I have never been overwhelmed by the thought of someone, until I met him. I found myself with the idea of him crashing into me, all day. I have never been able to not fully focus on the task at hand, but he sent my mind into a million different places. He has a strength about him and force that called to me to walk toward his dark passions. His needs, I at first thought, are deep, deeper than mine. He is that demon that I can't say no too, the secret desire to spark my inner self. He awoke in me a part that I thought dead. My Cin, she has been fully asleep for more than 10 years, well actually, Cin started slipping out of my consciences a longer time before then. My Cin's passion for life, love, desire, intimacy has always been intense. To much for the average, and I had settled for less than that. So Cin was gagged, sedated for most of my adult life. She'd roar through when passion stirred between me and another, but never satisfied by the encounter. Cin would sulk in the corner of my mind, pout and stamp her foot to go find him, but I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't even try. I married a man that knew how to coax her to the surface, but he could not keep her there every day. That Cin side of myself was a bit much, and he had other demons to deal with, than my deepest needs or desires. He used to say I was the lock and he was the key, and loved opening me up to let Cin out to play, his favorite Cin. He was the first one to say that, call me Cin, call me out. So when he brought that wild child to life, it was magical, but was only a moment of brief sunlight, brief breath taking rises to the surface, just that, brief, and over in a flash. Other parts of my persona always pushed Cin into the background. The mother, the provider, the fighter, all elbowing her to be still, be quiet, let them do what needs to be done. So down she went. Curled up in a ball, waiting, and waiting. When grief took over after my husband died, I was sure that part of me was lost forever. That side of me that I truly relish and come alive in. My secret beautifully longing child. The one who loves and thrives on touch, the pleasures of all my senses. She allows me to dance in the dark, frolic in the sand, float upon the water, and dive deep to rise up to the surface again, and again. She gives me the strength to push a man up against the wall, pressing his back firmly against it. She gives me the drive to take that bull by the horns and ride that bronc to breaking. Yes, she gives rise to all my deeper needs. Finding the one that can meet those for me, is another story for most if not all of my life, he was not to be found. Then all of a sudden I turn a page and there he is, I thought, for a moment. For he quickly picked up on Cin, and I knew she'd be his favorite if he could have her, but he couldn't, or I wouldn't. I toy with the idea of letting her take over, allow me to be different than my controlled persona. I think Cin would be very much in charge of where she leads us, but not so sure she'd allow me to keep it. Cin would want to move on,  if left with the feeling of not enough connection and completeness with another human being. So I am sure she will keep me searching. Cin loves to sing for me, I do believe she is truly the underlying melody that allows my heart to beat on.  Cin loves to live, drink, enjoying every moment of intensity. I pay for my Cins behavior issues, me, I own it. She is me, I am Cin, and I want to break free from the chains that have kept me unfulfilled, that have caged my chance for happiness and completeness. I wanted to walk to this man and lay my hands palms up for him, to take and lead me down that path, that I have been longing to take for far to long. However it will not be with him, for my fear of falling and ultimate rejection can not be over come, and timing is not in place for both of us. My wants and needs may truly be more than he can endure. So, again I await for my life to move toward alignment with the stars. My Cin is awake, whispering in my ear, and waiting, toes tapping to the rhythm of my heart. I feel her and I whisper, I can take the chance now to allow us to be as one. The point is I am awake, finally. A part of me can thank him for that, at least. For now his spell is broken by reality, and the only wicked part that remains is the glint in my eye and smile I keep when I think about what fun my future will hold, and onward I will step......

Regret can be a bitter pill

Regret can be a bitter pill if you let it be. Overwhelming feelings, stemming from regret of a simple word spoken, a word written, a moment spent in time. If you think about it, regret truly is just a moment in which self reasoning lapses, nothing more. So why do we hold on to regret, to negative thinking, feelings, self flogging at the thought of self failure of the things we do? What purpose does it serve? To lower your self worth, your sense of stability, to make you feel less than adequate? Doesn't enough of life cause that reflection and reaction? Regret, should not be a sword held over your head. Not a weapon of self destruction. So what if you were unfaithful, a teller of lies, painfully sarcastic, showing more skin that you think you should, giving more than given, dancing naked in the rain, whatever it may be, feeling less from it does you no good. I think you should process what you possibly should of done, and not hold onto what was done. Next time dance naked in the rain with a great partner, share that naughty pic with your heart and the one that shares it, cheat on the diet not on the one you love, and speak the truth, no matter how painful it may be, be kinder with your words, save the sarcasm for the losers that do truly need it, there are plenty out there. I think the action of doing something you may deem wrong, is a on a learning curve, one should simply try to think of other options, and then move on. Be aware of your actions, and if you make a painful mistake, then own it, swallow it, pride and all, then move on. Make it a win, change the next course. Let regret go, it's not a great keepsake, no one likes salt in the wounds all the time, unless its from tequila shots, then drink on.

Holding grudges again another useless feeling. Makes one angry, bitter, smaller in the scheme of things. Life is way to short to hold onto grudges. Let it go. Forgive yourself first, then others, even when they deserve less than your good grace. I have been working on this act of letting go and forgiveness to people that gave me life. I am grateful for being alive, and know full well that without them, my parent's, I would not be here. Nor would I be the person I am. I can forgive them for not being perfect, I can forgive them for the pain, the sadness, the shaming, the lack of unconditional love, all because they did not know truly how to forgive themselves, for not being perfect. They will never truly say sorry, so I say it, all the time. I utter that simple phrase even when it's not me who is in pain, because I know pain all to well. I am not innocent of inflicting pain. I have given it to those who did not deserve it, did not earn my wrath. Anger comes to easily, hurtful words spill out to quickly, and sorry always spills out to easily, but am I truly sorry? Most times yes, but I accept those times, I don't dwell on them. Sarcasm comes easy just as my anger flashes, burns out, then recharges to be released in rapid fire. My daughter has learned this from me, as I did from my mother. I suppose it's a reflex now for all of us. Inflict the most harm before we receive it. Yeah, another area I am trying hard to fix, not just for myself but for my daughter as well. It took me almost 5 1/2 years from Bob's death to forgive him for all the pain he put me and our children through. Took me a long time to realize he did what he could with what he had. He tried at the very end, he really did, but as he said and as I did, to little to late. He felt my anger and bitterness straight to his soul, and I am sure it hurt him more than I will ever know. He loved me through my faults, and helped push me to be a stronger person than I ever thought I could be. No regrets now, a life lived, love given and lesson's learned. Now it's time for me to move forward and be better to myself, something I know he'd want, and always knew I could do. Stand on my own, no regrets, no longer holding onto grudges, no longer being sorry, no longer holding onto anger.... I am a work in progress, but when I am finished I will shine brighter than I ever did, and God help the lucky one that holds onto this diamond.... Okay maybe not, but smiling and laughing is a great way to pass the time... Let it go, keep on flying that kite...

yoyo

Just like a yoyo....

Ever get tired of being pulled forward then thrown back. Promises of that comfort only to be then met with silence. Start of day that is up and feeling great, then crashing mid way with badness. Going up and going down, over and over again. That's been my world for the past few weeks. Professionally and personally, kind of makes you a little insane at times. To say I have yelled f'me more than once a day is an understatement. Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. I can't see myself doing really anything else. It's just lately there are more bad days than good. Could just be me going through changes to me. I've thought of that, taking Tamoxifen is not easy, but a necessary means to and end. At least I pray and hope it is. Still the changes to my emotions have been sometimes unsettling. I have always had a short fuse, but lately it's shorter. I have always allowed myself moments to cry, for it's the body's way for emotional cleansing. Just lately it's for ridiculous reasons. However I am trying to be more positive than I used to be. Realizing how much I give and mean to the world around me is a new process, and realizing these unwanted emotions are just part of the package, is also a new concept. I'll get there. Now what to do about work, about the good day/bad day combo, everyday. Hmmmmm, I suppose I can just let it happen, learn to accept that I can not control everything. Good concept, problem is I always want to be in control. Hard to relinquish that role. Maybe I should replace my frequent verbal onslaught of profane words with alternatives. Fudge instead of F***, well, yeah, NO! Can't change something I love to say. However I do suppose I could breathe in and breathe out, count to ten, think of a sandy beach and smile before I say it. Think about the fact that everyone is trying to just do the best they can at their job at hand. Mistakes get made, silly and annoying questions get asked, ridiculous demands are made, and the world around us asks to much of us, some days. I need to just learn to accept that, move on. These past few weeks, let's hope, are just that, passing, past, and that the good days will out weigh the bad ones soon. I can hope for that.

Now as for the yoyo effect in my personal life, feeling up and then feeling down, is just the way it's going to be. There is no one that is truly pulling me closer and pushing me away. He doesn't exist, I do that to myself. I do know that I should distance myself from destructive behavior that I have a tendency to be drawn too. It's in my nature, you know being "Cin" and all. My dark side can be comforting to me. It is a place I don't mind visiting, but I don't want to live there. I do like my brighter side, the happier side, the positive side. That place is fairly new to me actually. I suppose I am fearful of staying on that side because in the past it was taken away all the time, all the damn time. Promises of a better tomorrow, never came. Promises of change for the good, again never came. Promises to always be there, well they are not here. The dark side would whisper stay with me, I'll protect you, I'll shield you from all that is wrong. Darkness is a wonderful lover actually, but not a great friend. Not a great healer, and not what I truly need. I prefer the warmth of the the light. Now again lately I am trying, trying hard to stay warm. I am also embracing my "Cin" side, for I know I am amazing, strong, and worth so much more than I give myself credit for being, over these past 52 years. "Cin" is just a wonderful part of me. An expression of my passion for life and love. I suppose I miss her, that sensual side that is all powerful, and controlling. She too walks with purpose and has so much to give, of herself. Blessed was I with this nature, just who do I choose to let her touch and control is another question. How to combine my beauty and my beast, how to balance my good with my bad self, they both want control. The light and the dark side, I truly do think that they compliment each other. So maybe the yoyo effect of being me well works better. Give and take, I mean isn't that what life is.

So balance is what I am trying to obtain in my everyday existence, just like the rest of the world. Harmony between good and bad, light and dark, ups and downs, control and the loss of control. Equal partners really in the grand scheme of things. So I will take the good when can and someday's curse the bad, other days I'll embrace it as being just how it is for the moment. So while I play yoyo I might as well learn to "walk the dog" and roll on.....

knock, knock

I will never remarry....Nope, not going to do it. Been there done that. I find I do say that a lot. I suppose it's my defense mechanism. If I don't allow myself to think about a future with someone other than just by myself, I won't have to worry about goodbyes. I won't have to worry about being open, being laid bare by another person. I can laugh at loneliness, because it's a comfortable place to be. I know what to expect from it. No hurt feelings, no let downs, no loss, for it's already an empty place to be. Totally void of human connection....Easy to say, and I do my best to convince my heart what my mind constantly mutters in the stillness of the night. I am better standing alone, my mind voices loudly....but my heart has a voice of it's own. It screams out to connect, to bring lost feelings back. It screams out to let passion stir within my soul again, give into love and desire. My heart longs for conversation over pillows, over coffee, over time. Just wants to be able to hold onto a hand, feel the warmth on my skin of a gentle but longing touch. My heart longs for those deep looks that see right through your soul, see your dark side and accept all that you are. My mind battles my heart constantly. They are siblings fighting for the right to be my choice. So when I do think which would I choose, if I have the choice, if the option were there. I think the wise decision of course would always be to choose love. But my mind screams out, what is love? Feelings of lightness, bonding, togetherness, maybe connection of beings, or so we have been told. Or is it just a made up feeling, that man has bought into. Is love real, or an illusion? Hmmmm, I don't know. Hollywood sells it, as a cure all, books a million are written glorifying it. Men and women have died in the name of love. Children are born, in the name of love. Many say "I love you" just to get what they need, whether it be sexual, spiritual, or financial. It has become a word that is easily thrown around. I love that, when in all fairness, it's an object. Can you love pizza, does it complete you? Love is a many splendid things, hmmmm. Love of a child, now that's real. My mind can buy that, my heart is full of the love I have for my children. My heart shouts, there is nothing in this world like that feeling of utter joy, from that first site of your new born child, that kiss on a sleeping baby's forehead, the intoxicating smell of a child fresh from a bath. The giggles, the cries, completeness. That my mind and heart can agree, sounds like what love is. What is love between two people, but a challenge of wills, my mind asks? My heart sings out that it is so much more, it is the sharing of thoughts, is it the thrill of just two voices speaking to each other in the dead of the night. It's the wisp of hair falling across the face, that's gently brushed away.  It is the tear from complete orgasmic connection, felt only between two people in a moment of passion. My mind states, love can only lead to heated words, disagreements, rejection  and pain when love leaves. Ahh my heart sighs, yes, love can cause pain, fear, battles, but the feelings of trust, completeness, connection, safety, comfort, that is shared between two people out weigh the risk of all the badness that is felt when love is thought to have left. Ultimately love is worth fighting for....... We are thinking and feeling souls, we are given the ability to choose which path to walk. However I think that when it comes to loving someone, it comes out of nowhere. I suppose from left field. God taps you on the shoulder and presents a chance. Take it or leave it, but don't regret it...So I suppose that even though I swear I'll never love again, give myself completely to another, that's still just my mind trying to protect me. While my heart continues to beat and hope and urge me on to open up and try again. For we have so much love left to give....

When love comes knocking will I let him in, I hope so....

Sunday Musing

Be gone from my heart, be gone from my mind, be gone the soul that had tried to leave me muted and blind..

You broke my heart with your cruel intentions, but strengthened my mind and will when I saw right through you.

I could of loved you, if you had let me, but your world of self doubt and need to control tried to change me. 

I've fought all my life to just be allowed to be me, wind in my hair with laughter and music in my heart. You wanted me to not share my world, but to keep quiet, still, and bending only to your needs, this would of killed me. 

No matter the desire to be loved or to give love, I will not allow myself to be under anyone's thumb, I have no desire to be controlled.

I stand tall, shoulders back and head held high, for the love I have for being me and free, has kept your chains from dragging me down. 

Sunshine is so much better than the dark place you kept taking my mind, and I rather walk in the sunshine than lay down and give up and live in your dark world.

For I am sunshine, bright, full of light and warmth, and at times someone who may need the moon to complete me. You sir are not the moon, but a mere shadow of something that could be.  

Mere words that rattle off this AM, trying to set myself right. I know that God has given me the strength to rise above many challenges, and has kept my will from being broken. All my life..... As a child I was beat upon because of my nature, my mouth, my mind, for existing. Those lashes upon my skin did not break me. For with each welt from the belt I became more determined to grow to be me, and untamed, and uncontrolled. I say what I think, and yes there are times that I should process and look over what I am about to say, but usually it just comes out. Sometimes I cast way to many stones into the water of conversation. Yes I also reflect back to much, and mull over things done and said, to see if there is something I can change, to make things better. Hind site is always clearer than some cloudy moments. Even so, I am working on becoming better, stronger and more mentally fit. This process of letting go of things that control me, like my silly ramblings of what ifs, my moments of not taking ownership of being a beautiful woman, is an ongoing challenge. It's easier to say I have no heart, even though everyone who knows me, can see right through that. I have a big heart, bigger than the size of me, which is fairly large. Another area of needed change, working on it. I would love to give myself some moments of lost control, but by my choice. Not from someone that doesn't know who I am. I am not a piece of clay that can be molded to fit everyone else's needs. I can bend, I can give, but I will not change shape. Can't go from a circle to a square. 

So I want to continue to feel the freedom of wind blowing in my face, whether on a mountain top, sandy beach or just from walking in the sun. I want to be the running horse always, with main and tail flying behind me. Exhilarated by just living in the moment.....I am a work in progress, and grateful that God keeps driving me forward and removing those that really do not fit into his plan for my growth and needs. Grateful for eyes that see, a mind that thinks clearly, a mouth that speaks truthfully, arms that can hold the ones I love, and a heart that beats strongly and that belongs to God and me. My only chains are the ones I have created not anyone else, and it feels pretty good to have those links fall one by one.....

I will go on living as the woman I am, taking ownership of being strong, bright, beautiful, loving and giving, and letting go of all these things that have weakened my spirit. Smiling finally and simply ask you to just let those ponies run, for I am among them........  

Morning Sunshine

Morning Sunshine, it's so wonderful to see and feel you today......

In the stillness of this Saturday morning, when all my house is asleep, I am up, watching the sun rise slowly in the morning sky. All pink and promising. What lays ahead today, what truths will be revealed? How will I add to this world with my presence today? Will I stumble again, or will I just continue to hold my head up and keep walking, only God knows. Questions of existence are only drowned out by the song of the morning birds, the rustling of a sleeping child's sheets, the distant barking of someone's dog, and in my neighborhood the crowing of some backyard rooster. Life all around, stretching, yawning, rising up to greet the day. I used to say that I was far from a morning person, more a mid afternoon kind of girl, but lately I find I really do enjoy being up before the world really gets going. Comfort found in these quiet moments are cherished and needed. The feeling of the air brisk upon my face as I let my own dogs out into the yard, is refreshing. The smell of coffee in the cup, waking my senses up. Up I am, up I hope to continue to be, thinking and looking at what I may bring to this world. Throughout the season's of my life I have adapted, the way one should in order to continue in this ever changing world. Change, that at times has been difficult and resisted, ultimately accepted and the challenge met. The saying it's always darkest before the dawn, speaks truth. Storms always seem less threatening when over and the healing of the battered world left in the storms wake, is started just by the breaking sun through the clouds at early dawn.Rays of light and hope, shine through. God's gift everyday is new day. What we choose to do with that day is the other gift God has given us. Right or wrong we go forward with our day, make mistakes, sometimes knowing full well that they are, and at other times, well not so much. I don't think really anyone purposely sets out to hurt others, at least I don't. It's just sometimes actions or words bring into view what some may not want to see. I make no apologizes for speaking my mind or being who I am, but if I unintentionally hurt someone, then I will own it and ask forgiveness, if warranted. Sometimes it's better to just let the truth hit them, and then one just walks away, if one can. A stormy night of angry thoughts that clutter the mind set to weaken the heart and soul, sometimes surrounds me. Thoughts of  resent, regret, rejection, are hard to handle at best. The night just makes them seem louder and threatening, like thunder and lightening, but when the light of day breaks through and the clouds separate, these thoughts disperse and become irrelevant. When you realize that it doesn't matter what one individual thinks of you compared to the majority that know you, it becomes just an opinion of one and nothing more. You become the morning sun, you shine much brighter when you put your heart and mind in a more positive place. True some mornings you are not greeted with God's suns love, but grey skies and rain, in those moments just remember, there is still greatness going on, change everywhere, growth in the world, and that the rain is needed to help bring to surface things that may need to be just washed away. Revel in the promise of tomorrow, and just like the morning sun will shine, so should you. Today I am sunshine, and a ray of hope fills me, and life is good...