Tuesday, the day before the appointment.......

Tuesday, the day before the appointment.......

Tomorrow I will go see my Medical Oncologist, Dr. Brenner. A good enough doctor for what he has to treat. I can only hope and pray that his treatment plan was the one that will allow me to beat breast cancer. It's odd looking back to this time last year when I went for that long needed mammogram. I had skipped it for a couple of years, I mean I wasn't worried. I had all negative mammograms before, and there were no history of breast cancer in my family. So I wasn't concerned. Nope, not at all. I went in and waited in line to check in, and heard the receptionist ask the lady in front of me if she wanted the 3D mammogram, that it would be an additional 75$ since insurance does not cover it. She declined, when she asked me I quickly said yes, I have a 9 year old son that needs me. Why did I say that, I don't know, just came out. So off I went to have the wonderful pressing of the girls, and then off I went home. No big deal, now worries, letter would come and I would again file it away as another negative, and get my PCP off my back for one more year. However the letter did not come, instead I got phone call from my doctors nurse saying "They found something on your mammogram and need you to go back in for repeat films with an ultra sound. Hmmmmm, well could be a cyst, could be nothing. So I scheduled the appointment, made it late in the day so wouldn't have to miss work. Went by myself, the first of many by myself's, but I did not know that then. Well much ado about many things, ultra sound measured something amiss in my left breast. New mammogram showed a star pattern. The radiologist, called me back to her office to explain it looks like cancer. Just like that. There I sat, all by myself, just nodded and said let's schedule the biopsy. When I made out to my car, the only person I called was my best friend, I mean who else would I call. No real family member would think anything of it, and I could not call my kids,I sure wasn't going to scare them if they did not need it. Bridget went with me on the day of my biopsy, and I was grateful she was there. Went smoothly and life went on. A week later my doctor called me around 6:30 PM on a Thursday to tell me the results. She said it was an aggressive form of cancer, from what she could read, and recommended a few doctors. I was stunned. I held it together, called Bridget, still held it together. Then I called my mom, held it together until I got angry, then let for a brief moment that feeling of "why me" come through and cried. My mom was reasonably upset, but said it will all be fine in her typical fashion. The next day I went in to work and told them, and with a flurry, my boss Lisa took charge, immediately she was on the phone setting up CTRC appointments with the best. My work family came through the whole time I was under going this cancer process, treatment and healing. They held me up at moment I needed them too, and held their breaths while we waited.  The thing about cancer is you don't think it will happen to you, that's some else's disease. It happens only to the good people, many say. Well surly there was a mistake, because God knows I'm not a good person, bent a bit actually, so why did it happen to me? One theory, is that I am overweight, increased estrogen with lipose cells, is fuel for hungry cancer cells. Another theory is that I drank weekly, a lot on Friday's and most Saturday's. Another theory is the stress of just my life. Ultimately it was just how it is. Anyway, this was small tumor, found by mammogram, not by feel. That was in my corner. The type of cancer I had was estrogen positive, progesterone positive, and HER2 negative. A breast cancer that can be treated, can be cured with surgery, radiation and chemotherapy if needed. I underwent a partial mastectomy or a lumpectomy as some call it in June of 2015. I was told they would test the lymph nodes and if negative then I would not have any drains and they would leave my axillary nodes alone. Well the day of Surgery, Bridget drove me, my angel, my best friend. My good friend from work came also Kathy, to give support. She took half a day off just to make sure I made it into surgery okay. Just before they were to wheel me into surgery, my mother arrived. Said her good lucks and off I went. I remember waking up from surgery and there was Dr. Byron Branch saying "you won't remember I was here" and I said yes I will, and then asked him if I had any drains. Nope he said, and for the first time that day I felt relief. Pain nothing that I couldn't handle, just knowing that my lymph nodes where clean. Dr. Bhavani Kura also came to see me in recovery, again my work family giving support. My mom left right after I got out of recovery, and Bridget drove me home. Bridget checked on me by phone all the time. Kathy checked on me daily as well. People from worked texted me, face booked me, my friends and family from Bob's side, checked on me. My family by blood did after awhile. You see I suppose they knew I did not need them too. I was fine, plus I had my kids to help me out while I mended and my best friend to make sure I let myself heal. Still the majority of my cancer process was alone, alone in the Med Onc office, alone in the Surgical Onc offices and alone in the Radiation Onc office. I preferred it that way, drove myself, shouldered it, and kept on. I refused to burden anyone, because it's not their burden, but mine. The news of my clean margins, and that Dr. Oliver was sure it was a success, and that I will be cured by surgery alone if I chose was a comforting thought. Well I chose to add radiation therapy, and Dr. Brenner ruled out the need for me to under go Chemotherapy. I suppose a blessing from God, because I would not have to miss any work more than my 2 weeks I took off for the surgery and recovery. It took my incision over 6 weeks to heal. So I could not start Radiation until mid August. I went every day Monday thru Friday at 4:30, right after work. I met amazing people, Tammy Escobedo, who I bonded quickly with, like a sister. She played my Stevie Ray Vaughn while they zapped me. My skin did alright at first and then boom, second degree burns near the end. The wound care they offered just wasn't cutting it. I was in pain and uncomfortable, but I worked through it. Now honestly I did get testy with a few patients who were complaining of their incision pain, their 1/2 incision pain, like they were dying. I so badly wanted to rip off my shirt and say, "see this, this is what pain looks like" but I kept clothed. I did however go see my friends in wound care and with the help of Rebecca and Sue, we came up with a perfect healing plan. I quickly shared with Dr. Crownover. Told him, I got cancer in order to show you how to care for these radiation burns...Silly but it sounded right at time.. Like all wounds, I healed. I still have pain, swelling and a fluid collection that bothers me. I appear whole, except for a small portion to the left side of my breast. I look at it as my battle scar, I bear it, I beat it. Or at least I hope I have. There is so much I need to do in my life, so much I need to share, to give, that I can not fathom breast cancer returning. So yes a part of me is afraid about this appointment tomorrow, but it's unfounded fear because my mammogram done recently was clean, but I do need to hear this for myself from Dr. Brenner. So tomorrow's appointment I think about today, and my future I think about a lot lately. I recently spoke to my sister-in-law, Mary Clair about how I hope before I die, that I be in love, or move to the beach.. Her and I are thinking the beach is where I'll end up, sitting on my deck with wine glass in hand, music of the waves in the back ground, and enjoying the sunsets of my life.. a better way to end...