Oh Monday why do you make me ponder so....
Have you ever longed for someone for what feels all your life. The essence of a soul that you swear does not exist. You place a picture in your mind, he must be very tall. He must have a great smile. He must have lots of hair to run my fingers through. He must have eyes of blue that look and lock up my very soul. He must have a mind that see's all and has lived life. He must have unending passion and fire in his touch. He must possess strength that is not seen but felt.... These little things, no mention of character, profession, age, faith, or vices. Just a man that fits those life long images. It's possible years ago I set out to strengthen my own protective walls by making up this man, the one for me. It has worked, in reality he for me has not existed. That carried away feeling, butterflies in the pit of my stomach, that increase in heart rate just at the thought of him, that I can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop thinking of him feelings, I longed for, always. Never felt them in all my 52 years. Even with the man I would eventually marry and grow to love, I was not "in" love with. I loved him for saving me at one time. I loved him for bringing out the woman in me over and over again. I loved him for being the father of my children, but no passion, no desire to always be near, no feelings of I can't make it without him. No, never. Now when he died, I felt it deeply, but loss of what is easy, what was my everyday existence, what I was responsible for, was just that a loss. Then set the in the feelings of loneliness, from the loss of my normalcy. Tears for emptiness, for being at an age that one can not just walk out and start all over. Over and over again I began thinking back to that picture in my mind, of what or who I thought I needed to find, knowing again he doesn't exist. Safety found in keeping my walls up. My need to protect myself from being lied to, being used, being open to pain, always keeps me on guard. But why would I need to let my walls down since this man I longed for doesn't exist. My dream lover, my dream soul mate, my dream friend, all just a dream......Then out of nowhere walks a man into my life that seemingly fit my life long made up perfect man. The first time I actually met him I couldn't breathe, for his eyes locked mine and did not leave them. His smile blinded me from all those around us, I did not even notice them. I did not get side tracked by other's voices, it all melted into the surroundings around us. He wasn't afraid to touch, and his fingers set my skin afire. He had hair all a mess and full of waves. He was very tall, and I was so able to lean into, strong enough to hold me up. He was familiar, was easy to connect with, it was instant. He was intense, full of living, and had that edge that makes all bad boys appealing. He made my heart quicken with just the thought of him. All of these feelings I had never felt in my 52 years of existing were flooding my whole person. On the verge of obsession, making my balance and my normalcy way off. I don't get all a flutter over a man, nope not me, but with him I did.......The problem is he is a real man, with his own life, his own reality of existence. He's full of his own fears, his own misgivings, his own walls, and no matter how I feel from just our brief moment of sharing the same air, I can not change that. I can not take away his years of pain and self doubt by just thinking I can. So even though he appears to be that man I have dreamed of, I can't move forward. The road block of protective walls are up in front of us both. I will have to be happy with my new found friend, as a friend. Who knows, maybe being his friend I can help him eventually come out from behind his walls and find the one he longs for. She just won't be me, and I am okay with that. For at least I was able to have those absent feelings peek their heads out and let me feel them for a little while. I can let my perfect picture of my most wanted male to go back into my mental files, and still rest assured that he doesn't exist, and that I am safe for another day.
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