Well today, as most days at work, my vocalization ran the gamut. I swore more in my first 10 minutes at work than one person should be allowed too in the course of their day or even maybe their lifetime. Yep, I knew it from the moment I walked in and saw how many patients I was going to have to manage. Now I know that's what I get paid a little for, but someday's I just feel it more. I long for a long vacation away from it all, work, kids, life, just everything. However that will not be happening anytime soon. So I wig out sometimes, well a lot of times. Short fuse, yes I will admit I have one. God cursed me with this temper, and a switch that flips at the drop of a hat. Yep mouth like a trucker or drunken sailor. Curse words that should not be uttered by such a refined woman like myself.... HA! I am far from it. I look at my use of curse words, as a way to keep me from having a stroke, keeps my sanity. I let the volcano blow, and then it all settles down, for awhile at least. My favorite word usually starts with an "F", or at least is a big part of it. The word just flows off my tongue. It goes with everything. You know like F*** this sucks, F*** he's hot, F*** it is hot, Awww F*** ain't that cute. See and when you add mother in front of it, all goes perfect with it. Like when you are driving in traffic (yes, I have road rage too) you might find yourself in the need to yell out Mother F***** get off the road, Mother F***** what are you doing, Mother F*** he's hot, Mother F*** that was so sweet, see it works goes with everything, kind of like chips and salsa....So mother F'r is truly one of my daily favorites. Now, of course I also like calling people by what they are, often throughout the day. I call it like I see it, F****** idiot, is perfect, goes for patients, family members, doctors, nurses, anyone including myself. If you are one, then I am going to call you one. Light switches on a lot. Now that is my everyday utterance, I fully admit to this short coming. I own it. I realize that I am who I am and will not be changing anytime soon. So again I accept it. But I know full well that as God has cursed me in one area, he blessed me in another. He gave me a compassionate heart, when one is needed. I suppose that's why I still do what I do everyday. I continue to go back for daily punishment just for the moments when I can give comfort and solace. I am amazed at how I can still have a heart, when I give it out daily. When a person is not long for this world or is not doing well, it's not only them that need a comforting word, but the family that may just need that shoulder to lean into, to cry on. I have seen and felt how just a kind word of encouragement might be what that 22 year old newly paralyzed woman needs, to just sit up and fight for just learning to move forward. I give encouragement to those in need so they may begin to brave the pain. Pain is so much a crippling factor in holding up healing, for it's not just physical it's mental too. Medication can lesson the physical pain, but it takes a bit more to handle the emotional pain. That's what I am for, to help start the healing for many. The simple act of hugging the mother of the son with the traumatic brain injury as she is learning to give feeds through a tube, just to sustain his life. To praise her for what she is attempting to do, letting her know, he knows your are there, even if he can't yet tell her his needs or thanks. It's a great feeling to see her relax a bit and move on with confidence and smile. Just that bit of touching may be the beginning force to keep her going when she doubts she can do this, take her son home for his new long journey. I walk around and give hugs freely all day long. It's a dual process, because not only do I give, I receive, and that helps sustain me. When I give a hug, I take into me what they give. It may be their grief that I absorb, because someone needs too. It may be their happiness that they or their family member has pulled through. I am blessed with having shoulders that are big enough to not only carry my burdens but to handle a few more from people I tend too. I feel their pain, their needs, their joy and their heart breaking. I connect when I need to, when the moment is right, and even though I hate my smile, I will give it brightly every time I walk into a room of those in need, all day long, everyday. I will speak gently, softly or up beat and loudly, mold my vocabulary to the moment, to the need. So even though I fully admit my favorite words are curse words, I can give just as easy those kind word, the ones that will be remembered by those in need, they don't hear the cutting word. Quick as that I can flip that switch. That's how I maintain my sanity. The volcano erupts and out pours all the pain, the suffering, the grief, and even the joy, which as we know allows me to be who I am........ So peace my loves, and happy F****** evening....
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