If you're just a dream, I don't want to wake just yet......

If you're just a dream, I don't want to wake just yet......

Tender, visions, pictures of people that are looking for something. Something as simple as a quick hook up to release the tensions of the day through non-emotional contact, and yes it does exit. Some are seeking a few new friends to just kill time and enjoy maybe a night or two out, to live a bit more than simply existing after work. Some are simply scam artist, looking to take from some poor unsuspecting lonely person. To some, they are looking for that one single being, the one who will end the need for putting one's self out in internet space for all the world to see. I don't know why I put the app on my phone, besides my boy's at work telling me too. At first it was thrilling to sweep left for nope and right for yes. Until there were more nope's than yes's. A few matches that were immediate deletes, such as "Hey I'm married, but really would like to meet and fuck you". Yeah, not that desperate, EVER! There were a few like Rob the bod, who wanted a weekly afternoon delight while he was in town.  He lived in Austin but worked out of San Antonio. He was hot, and very tempting, but not really something that would of happened. Then there was Ryan, newly separated, and really, really annoying, persistent, and well not my type. Many hello's that were quickly left unanswered. A few, I'm looking for a wife, a mother to my son, daughter, or both. Many who lived out of state, in town and ready for a great night out. Yeah, tender visions, with not so tender needs. Was about to delete this now becoming annoying app, when I came across a smile that just grabbed me. What is it about smiles that pull me in, especially the ones that show in the eyes, that are genuine. His did, his profile was just "I'm 6'5" and love to laugh and smile"... oh and that he was 271 miles away from me. That should of been enough for me to swipe left, but something made me swipe right. Match! He sent a hello, simple way to start, and I returned in kind. Response of how's  your day, I'm just coming in from being out at the pool, me responding in usual fashion with the truth of the day. He then said I'm in Midland, and will transferring with work beginning of October. Something made me immediately give him my number, he didn't respond. So I then said I was sorry for being so forward, and anyway left it at that. Then he responded on a Monday afternoon, with a picture of his smiling self. Something again about his eyes and the life that was in them, and of course the smile. Something that made me want to hope that this one, this man, was different. Innocent flirtation followed. Simple hello, how are you doing, every day kind of texts. Selfies sent. It all still felt innocent enough. We continued with the getting to know each other, the I grew up here, have this many siblings, the usual ten minute conversation in a text. He continued to want to get to know me, and me him. Felt connection from a distance. I began to hope, that this man, is the man I have been praying for. The man that would calm my fears of trusting, that would love me in my gray years, that would carry me when I can't carry myself. The man I created in my mind all those years ago. Could this be the man that I allow to control some of my dominating personality? Could I give into him, could he balance my chaotic existence? These thoughts ran through my mind the closer the days came to when he might be really here. Here in the same town, really here for me to touch, kiss, see, hold and of course much more. His fears that I was toying with him he admitted as well, was wondering about me and other men. Other men? I don't know why it's so hard to believe that for me there isn't any others. I am built that way. I concentrate on one at a time, well when I am truly interested. If I wanted to graze, I wouldn't of chose to seek him out every minute of my day. If I wanted to continue to graze, Tender would still be a daily app I'd visit, instead of being in my delete grave yard. I think he texted or I texted every day, not a day would go by that a good morning wasn't sent. Afternoon hello's, evening how was your day texts. Pictures of self again, intimate, and not. I began to look forward to every morning, to his calling me baby. See I have never in my life allowed anyone to call me baby, until him. It felt, strangely, right. I think I truly loved looking at his face, in every picture he'd send. His reply when I'd send him a selfie, for just in case he forgot what I looked like, was "Your imprinted on my mind". Hooked, yep, like a big old fish. So the day came that he was supposed to be here, he couldn't make it yet. To many issues keeping him in the other town. I can understand, and I will give him the benefit of a doubt. But I need to wake up and get back to being in reality. He is not here, and well may never be, and even though he seems to be everything that I swore didn't exist for me, he's not, simply because he's not here. So I suppose he doesn't exist, for me, but does for some other lucky woman. Why does it always seem I choose the unattainable, the unavailable. I suppose it's easier to stay in a dream state than to handle the harshness of reality, some days more than others. It's pure comfort and pleasure, but it's not real. Pain is real, breathing is real, walking, talking, sharing and true caring, is real. Texted words are just empty promises, and nothing more. Even so, I truly didn't want to wake, but the alarm of today has broken that dream... Up I get going, and off into this day, still alone with my thoughts and time..... but what a dream it was.....

To tease is to want

A friend of mine recently said to me "To tease is to want".... I really didn't pay much attention to the statement at first, but it kept coming back into my mind. I started teasing, if you may, the meaning behind it, and it made me realize that it's true. To tease is to want, many things, such as to tease is to want attention, the attention of others, male and female, acknowledge me, maybe. To tease is to want attraction, look at me, am I the one, try me. To tease is to want connection, in this world of less interaction physically, we seek connection outside our norms, texting has become common,  no more calls with sounds, just written words, but still connection. To tease is to want affection, that is what it is, we are all seeking emotions of affirmation, whether to just make ourselves feel something be it good or bad, we so desire affection from others. To tease is to want, yeah, the list goes on....... Over the past few years I have become more of a person without a filter, and I say and do things without sometimes, really thinking them through. I have become an advertisement if I may say, advertisement of myself. See the act of  teasing is done with simple words, with my actions, and with photos, seems to have become a comfortable norm. I think I'm not alone in doing this, I see others, everywhere. Social media has opened a lot of people up to that. We have become our own commercials. We put ourselves out there to masses in order to bring in the right customers. Although we are not selling a product, per say, we are selling something of ourselves. Yes, selling something. The picture of a cup of coffee a smile, may be just our attempt to share a moment in time, or is it our draw for likes? We are purely, sometimes, just looking for our friends, acquaintances, and maybe lovers approval. Their responses to whatever our need is at the moment the commercial was made. The right customers to fill that void, a need, a purpose. So we put up a picture, selfies and life shots. We put up a meme to announce "look at me" to shout "listen to me" or simply "pay attention to me". We type out to the world comments of our days events, our thoughts, our selling points to bring in the comments or just to get them out of our heads, like I do often. So that little phrase, to tease is to want, means a lot. Has made me think about what I do want in my life, what I do want to attract, and what I do need. That phrase, to tease is to want, has made me think of how I should be presenting myself, what I should post, what I should say, just a little....... First, I acknowledge that I am far from perfect, and gratefully never will be. However, I know that I can improve on what I do, how I do it, and who I do it for. I do things from myself, mostly, that is true, but I should be more mindful of who I affect beyond me. Who do I affect with my actions? I affect maybe my children, my co-workers, my dear friends, and in the future my love. For we all don't just post positive, we post negatives, hurtful things, and sometimes very questionable things. These things can always come back and haunt you, especially now that we are putting it all out there for the masses. To tease is to want, yep, and that want has gotten bigger and less fulfilled........This friend of mine has me thinking, and that's a good thing.

Autumn leaves on the path before me....

You and I traveled for a long time along the same dirt road, some areas were rougher than others, but we traveled it together. Throughout our walk, it felt like many occasions I was carrying you. Especially near the end of our time, when your body was frail from disease, and your cough became louder as you tried to breathe. All that could be heard was your struggle to just live, the sound beating loudly in my ears. To some our path was to heavy a burden, one to forego, but not for us, for love and hope gave us strength to continue our walk, until the end. 27 years we walked together, then God gave you an exit towards a more restful path. Your suffering in this world had been long enough and it was time for you to move on, without me. For your journey was completed here and mine was nowhere near finished. You said to me before you parted, that my life would be better now, I would no longer have to carry you, or worry about you, and then you slipped away along that gilded path. Leaving me, alone to stumble for awhile. Left to take in the surroundings along my own road. See the grass go from green to brown and back again. See seasons change, some harsher than the years before, but see them I did and will.

This morning I woke up thinking about Bob. About his good heart, the one that he tried to please others with. The one he desperately tried to please me with. I spent so much of my time thinking about all the things he did wrong. The lies, the stealing, the drugs, the alcohol, the never keeping a job, so much so that I missed the simple, loving things. Yes he couldn't help himself, lies were a way for him to pave his road of good intentions. He wanted to be so much more than he allowed or could even believe in. His demons controlled him, and then ultimately his disease did too. I didn't appreciate how he showed his love and or his need to try and please me. Many times over he tried, and many times I failed to say thank you or give in return. He was the keeper of the house. He cleaned this home, kept the cob webs away. He tended the yard, mowed, edged and kept the weeds at bay. He kept the clutter hidden, and did not allow it to overwhelm our home. He made the dinners and fed the kids, did the laundry and kept us in clean clothes. He watched over us at night, sometimes not sleeping and just watching the on goings of the neighborhood. He drove the kids to their functions, to their friends, took me to work from time to time, and always tended to Connors every need. He made my lunches, left me love notes to try and make me smile. He'd be the voice that would lead me safely home every night and wait for me to pull into the drive and take what ever bit of badness from my day into him. He made love to me, for me, was always about me for as long as I can remember, and it hurt him near the end of his life not to be able to give where once he was the master at making me smile. Now today I reflect on his need to please me the only way he could, by giving of himself. I only looked for the material offerings, something I had learned from my parents. Something I am so sorry that I did learn, and trying so hard to unlearn now, a little to late, I know. I fully know I let my anger, my walls, my self absorbing ways, ultimately cause him pain. I suppose my punishment to him, justly, maybe, but one shouldn't be so unloving. I can't change the past, can't tell him now how sorry I am that I didn't love him more, or tell him more, or show him more through hugs, kisses, and kind words. I find myself wondering if I will ever get the chance to love again, to find someone that will equally give, and allow me to give in return. I don't know if that kind of man exists for me. Lately all I find are takers, and the negative side of me thinks this is an acceptable punishment for the years I selfishly took Bob for granted. Selfish, yes I was. I can hear him now, when he'd say "It's not always about you, Cin", how that phrase rings true. I only focused on me, on my pain, my lot. How much I was doing for the good of my family. Me, me, me... I was so unhappy that I wouldn't even try to let him make me happy, feel loved, feel really at all anything good. My need to try and control, ultimately failed to bring any control, just chaos and loss. When will I learn to just live, lay back and let life happen? When will I stop overthinking and trying to force things in alignment? I don't know.... All I do know is that I will walk on, down this path I started along time ago. I know I will stumble, maybe fall, but I will always get back up, well as long a the good Lord lets me. I know also that I will always think of Bob this time of year, for this is when I lost him, and myself for awhile. This week I was tested, and I stumbled, I gave into my weakness and let doubt of my abilities side line me, but not finish me. This too made me think of Bob, for he stumbled, picked him self up, because of love for his family, until we wouldn't help him anymore, we failed him, through failing to love him to forgive him in the end, when he was truly wanting it...... I also have met someone, well almost. He's not here in San Antonio, not yet, but will be in a few weeks. I think his asking of me to think about someone else pleasing me, allowing a loss of control, even if just purely physical, has me asking myself can I? I couldn't let Bob know he fully pleased me, though he did unlike anyone, before or after him. I don't want to not let anyone know how I feel in the moment and after the moment has passed, or allow myself to miss out on feelings of joy, happiness and yes intense pleasure. I truly don't know if I can give up self control and allow someone else the reign over me, to give into them. We will have to wait and see. If this man is as good as his heart seems to be, I ask myself, am I worthy of him? I would hope that I am, and that I don't destroy myself trying to stay in control and closed off. That I can be more open and trusting, giving, sharing, caring, and hell just loving outside the box and the walls I have created. So today, as I remember Bob, reflect on the past, and hope for the future, I am trying to enjoy this season of my life that's just starting.... Fall is in the air, the time is coming that the leaves will be turning bright beautiful orange, yellow, and red. These leaves of Autumn will blanket the side of the road I travel, and I will step with confidence through them, and hope to feel alive and brilliant, and on fire, like the colors that surround me on this path, like the fire that burns within me, that guide me and allow me to travel alone for awhile longer. 

short chapter of John Gideon

As I sat across from him in this dive bar that he liked to crawl to frequently, he seemed a bit nervous. He hadn't expected for me to walk in. Kept watching the door, waiting for someone, I can only assume. No bother to me, I was here just for that. He asked what I was doing there, said I was in the neighborhood. He didn't buy it, he knew I was far out of any neighborhood I frequented. So I took a deep breath in, slowly exhaled, and told him, "I am here looking for you, we need to talk". You know the start of many, shit moments. When you lay everything right there on the table. Truths hurt when not expected. You see, him and I had been playing cat and mouse games for awhile. He would draw me in then push me away. A man that liked to have his cake and eat it too. The problem was I don't like sharing, especially if my body is involved. To many damn things a person can catch when fucking someone that is seeing others. He always says "I'm not seeing anyone, I mean you and I aren't really seeing each other either". Just fuck buddies. Yeah, good line, good times. Maybe I should of refrained from starting this path of intimacy with him, should of known. But man, when I met him sparks flew. Damn, he was everything I thought I wanted in a man. He was smart, college and life educated, had a great sense of humor, wicked good looks, smile to knock the panties right off of you, head full of black wavy hair, and man those eyes, steel blue, that seemed to just cut right through you. John Gideon, was the epitome of perfect, in my warped mind. 56 years old, Retired military, now working on his second career, EMT with the county. Saving lives, always, this warrior I seemingly fell for. He was divorced within the last 2 years, had 2 kids, one boy, one girl, both in college. Living at home, well divided home. Part time with his ex and most times with him. Made for difficult meetings. He had that bad boy air about him, tattoo's, motorcycle rider, fit and firm, but had a gentle side, good with kids, not afraid to cry, or at least said he did. Friend to everyone, would give the shirt off his back if a brother needed it. His downside was that he caused the failure of his 30 year marriage. Cheated way to many times, and she finally had enough of living a lie, he said she told him that she really didn't love him and hadn't for many years. He said he felt aimless and a bit shell shocked, and said that's what drove him to seek all those women. I thought I could overlook that, I mean, they grew apart, she couldn't or wouldn't meet his needs, and he had some needs. Very sexual being, common ground for us, another problem. It's funny what we will tell ourselves to make the situation seem right. He kept saying that he didn't want his kids to know that he was seeing anyone yet, he had hurt them enough and was trying to work on mending that broken fence as best as he could. Secret meetings, secret life with women. The problem was that he continued to see the woman that he had the affair with. Rachel, oh beautiful blonde Rachel. Little petite woman, sharp nose, hazel eyes, and bit busty. Then again nothing as busty as me, which was his draw point, that and my eyes, mine are Kelly green, I too was blonde, long blonde hair, but far from petite. Oh the things we grab onto and try to believe. The truth is I did not envy her, this woman that continued to occupy his time, his life, his fucked up life, because karma in my opinion will fix that in the end. However it did sting a bit knowing that she did hold him more and see him more than I ever would. When I first found out about her, before we ever had our first tryst, I was hurt, dumbly, I thought I could let him go, I was the better woman, I do not take what is not mine. Unlike her, I would not or could not do that to another woman. He of course said he was sorry he mislead me, hurt me, blah, blah, blah. He excused all of this with saying "It's just lonely convenience, she lives near me", You live to far away, and can't easily have me over to your place because of your children", then he'd always end it with "She's not my future". So I bought it, initially. Dove right into his bed, getting tangled in sheets and his web of deceit. I mean after all the sex was hot, and after being widowed now for 4 years, and being without for longer, it was hard to say no too. The thing that started me thinking different about him and I, was that I chased him, I called him, I texted, initiated everything. He did not. I sold myself out, I cheapened myself, all for a  few moments of pure pleasure. I don't truly regret it, just wanted to be more I suppose. When he was pushing me away, he'd say "I value your friendship, I need your friendship right now, I'm to fucked up and need to work on me, and with my life being such a wreck I can't give you more". I would say "Of course, I understand", after all I am such a giver, a healer, full of shit. Anyway little gnawing feeling would clutter my mind sometimes. So much so that I found myself being the detective, looking at his friend pics on social media, and just connected the dots. The lies became less hidden and way more transparent. His recent story of taking a trip with college buddies to Daytona, turned out to be, Rachel beach get away. The boat that he recently bought, amazingly showed up in her posted pics. You see, gut instinct always gets you the answer. So here we where, him and I at a cross road, in this pub, the pub and he reeking of stale beer and cigarettes. Which actually helped me to overcome wanting to just run. So how's Rachel, I started, he quickly countered with "Not again, you know it's very complicated, between her and I". "I told you that, what gives, why are you bringing her up"? Felt a bit nauseated, actually, but I calmly said to him "Because you put me at risk with your behavior, your lies, and well I am worth more than what those risks could bring me". Blank stare back, "what lies"?. Great here he goes, deny, Mr professional smooth talker. "Let's see, the beach, the boat, the I have to be home with my kids for dad responsibility,  yet all the while you are with her". Reality with those words cut my heart, I thought I could handle this. For a minute I almost regretted coming here, for confronting him, almost thought of begging for him to ignore me, like I'd done before. Almost let the thought of not having him, even briefly in my life, scare me, for a moment. Then I saw the annoyed, fuck me, look in his eyes. Narcissistic bastard that I knew he truly was, started to show through. "I told you I couldn't give you more, you remember? You chase me, you offer you to me". Great, make me the one this is really about in his game. I saw red, but knew if I lost it, I'd lose it in many ways. I was mentally prepared to lose him, physically it would be harder, hurt more. That physical connection, aching need, he leaves me with, that I would have to overcome. His being indifferent was stoking that anger in myself, for letting myself succumb to him initially, but strengthened my ability to end it. I sat there for minute, then waved to the waitress. He looked at me as I did, sighed, knew then, I wasn't done yet, and she may walk in. As the waitress walked over, he started to get up, said he said "going to the head", I placed my hand down on the table, a bit touching his phone that was flipped face side down, because I knew he would take it with him. He waited til I moved my hand. So as I ordered a whiskey on the rocks, he walked away. No matter, I didn't really need to meet her, to confront her, because after all, maybe she deserved him more than I did. She deserved this dishonest cheating male, for I don't. So as I waited for his return and for my last drink with him, I let it all go with one slow exhale, blew it all out. My drink and he arrived at the same time. I handed the waitress the money for drink, told her to keep the change, and sipped that first cool taste, then allowed the heat of the whiskey to fill me. I never took my eyes off of his, as always. He sat back down, I placed my glass down on the napkin, and smiled. I said, "You know you did tell me all that, I don't need reminding, you also told me that I deserved so much more, that I was more worthy of something better", still staring, "So, I at first thought I didn't, because I thought you were all I really wanted. Silly me, until you made me feel less, actually, made me feel used. This is when I realized that you were not worthy of me, you are worthy of a lesser woman". He was getting a bit more irritated with me, was about to cut me off when I said "No worries, love, it's all good. You can continue to have your cake, but you will no longer have my icing to enjoy". I finished my drink, before the ice melted, as usual, and he said to me fairly briskly "You are always so damn dramatic, so irritating really with all this, I warned you I was fucked up, now you are throwing it back at me, sorry hun, not buying it, I really don't care, you were a fuck when I needed it. No more, no less". I knew this was how he'd react, so I simply replied "and you needed it, as did I", flinched, just a little, but he flinched. "The difference is you came, you were always left spent, I was always unspent and left wanting something more". With that I drained the last of the whiskey from the glass, heard him exhale "Bitch". I smiled and as I got up, I answered, "Yes, but this Bitch is better than the one you bed regularly, and this Bitch doesn't need you, oh and you were right, your smaller than average cock, was really never enough"...This he could not deny, for he always asked, "Am I enough, I wish I was bigger to fill you with", always said this, and I would always answer he was, always tried to convince my self he was, almost was. "Fuck you" he said as I began to walk away, I smiled but didn't respond, I was done, and this time I knew I was. I turned and walked away, back out into the bright sunlight, back into the world for cheaters, losers, liar's and well lonely hearts. At least mine was for the moment.

Hiding in plain site, will he find me?

I want to run, I want to forget I yern for you, I want to let you go, I want to not keep trying, I want to remove my heart and return to being the frozen one. I don't want to care this deeply for something that may be, may not be, is unknown. I don't want to need you, don't want this ache you left deep within me. I don't like the thoughts of not trusting these feelings for you, because of the fear that I am going to be knifed in the heart and left as a hollow shell, dry husk just resembling something that once was me. I don't like this fear of failing you by not finding you, helping you, pleasing you, so I feel as if I need to turn and hide away from this burning flame within me that the thought of  you has stoked to life.

Yes, yes, yes, this is what I want to do, or think I do. It's so much easier not going on with looking for another soul to give my heart too. So much easier to stay shielded and protected. Yes, easier, but not what I want or what I need. I want to give into my dark passion while sharing my light as well. I want to share my whole self, body, heart, and soul with my chosen one. My chosen one, yes, the one I want. I don't want to settle for just another person to fill a void. I want the man I have dreamed of my whole life. Why shouldn't I hold out for him, fight for him, chase him? I want the one that matches me step for step. I need the challenge, not the easy target. I need someone that peaks my interest and desires, and can fill them and not run from them. I need the man that can handle all sides of me. I am a good girl for all to see, but the other half of me is a lot darker. I'm not just vanilla, I'm a whole mix of spices. Passion for life, best of both worlds. Such a high opinion of my self...Actually, yes, took me all my life to finally come to terms with who I am, and learn to love and welcome all sides of me. I can tolerate looking in the mirror now without thinking that I am at fault for the world or my families problems. I can hug myself and feel it inward not just a way to keep warm when feeling cold. I started this journey not to long ago, just trying to become better, more whole. The fact that I have become painfully aware of my need for a life partner, that is an extension of myself, is also a surprise to me. For a very long time I have so said "I need no other, just my kids". Foolish thought, yes I do need my children, but they don't complete all of me, just the mother side. I have been floundering to be whole. It goes well beyond just loving one's self. It's a blessing to have the ability to give of one's self fully to another. Support of another's well being, giving love, compassion, encouragement, pleasure, and protection, is an awesome thing to be able to do. To believe in someone else, to help drive them to meet the greatness they were born to reach. To enhance their life while enriching your own self, that's living. I want that, I want to do that. After all, I am a giver, always have been. I know I need to be more of a taker, be the one that takes his soul, to hold it close and keep it safe. See, still giving, even when trying to think of taking someone as mine. No matter this want this desire, I still need to find that one, or do I? If I close my eyes, I see him, in my mind I hold him, in my heart I fully love him, it's just in life that he's not available. I taste him, feel him, cherish him, I know him, yet he's still out of reach. My addiction, my simple obsession, my passions flame keeper, I know him, yet he's far from my touch. All in good time friends and family say, all in good and God's time. Will lightening strike twice, well, the fact that lightening didn't strike me the first time, does it change things? The question should be will lightening ever strike? Does it really need too? Is not the fire that drives me enough to find what and who I am searching for? What am I looking for, hmmmm. Good question. I have said before a warrior, someone that has survived this world, scarred, wounded, still strong, one that longs for life, love, completeness in self. Someone who's able to shield me against them, help protect me from the world and yes from myself. .... Must have a mind that is vastly knowledgeable, can carry on deep conversations, and yet light hearted when needed.  Broad chest, large hands, height, head full of hair, eyes that burn into me and can stare me down, blue in color would just be a plus. Not many men can stare me down when I lock eyes, can only really think of one, just one. I need that connection, chemistry if you will, I need that electric even magical personal connection. I refuse to ignore that important part. Again I shall refuse to settle, I have done that to many times in my life. So, shall I remain alone? Possible, but with that I will not be letting my heart and soul down again. I am okay with that, if that is what God wants. I can wait a life time and if I have to I'll wait even into the next one I am born into, if that is the way it is to be. I am not hiding, I am here, out front, shining for the world to see, but will he? Will he find me, hell will he allow himself to want me, will he allow me to just be me, nurture above all I suppose, will he take the help I offer when he needs it, that's the thing about looking and wanting a strong warrior type partner, they have a tendency to refuse to show any weakness and allow help, can I over come that? I don't know, may be my undoing, the not being able to help. See there's a lot still that I need to learn about myself, so maybe it is a good thing that he is still out of my reach. Even so, I feel him, and know he's there, somewhere, maybe he's hiding in plain site as well, waiting for me when his time is right.......

character flaws and all, make up a beautiful package in truth......

Do you have any dry wall mud I can borrow.......

Today my mind has been full of self reflection, maybe it's because of this pain in my left glute, or just the fact it's been a long week, many ups and downs. Just thinking of the good and bad about my whole being. I have thought today that if allowed to pick at our flaws through out the day, one would always have festering sores with ugly scars to show the world our self dislikes. Badges of our own self hate for the world to see. Some would  have huge scars, others mere scratches. Mine would be in between. I know my flaws, clearly, I have always been able to pick them out. I don't need others to do that for me. My mother and father did that well. If you don't see them, let me point them out to you. First off, I am critical of life, critical of others, be it friend or foe. I expect the worse from them, always steady myself for rejection, being used for what ever purpose that serves the other person's gain, being abandoned, being left behind, being lied too, being easily forgotten and replaced without a thought. I stand there like the wall I have built around my psyche, hard and uninviting. Trying hard to show, I don't need others, I am able to do this task of living on my own. May be a lonely stance, but that unsure side of my being feels protected fiercely with this shield. Wrong or right it doesn't matter, it's my flaw to see and deal with. I see the whole picture, and I'm painfully honest. Yep, call a spade a spade. Hateful, spiteful words without thought can easily spill out. Knowing that you can't take them back once said, yep, blows to others, without a punch thrown, I know, sometimes they are earned, but not always necessary. They seem to be a comfortable partner to another flaw that is a huge part of me, for I have a quick hot temper, that I sometimes can't control who I lash out at. Unfortunately I have let it out on innocents, like my kids. Something I always swore I would not do, since I had it dished out to me on a daily basis. The difference is I did not throw physical punches, but we know that the word sometimes hurts longer. I am working on this everyday, trying to give the more I love you's instead of negatives. It is a battle though, again I am aware of, no need to point it out. Shall we continue... I have a tendency to hurt myself, throw that punch into the wall. Yeah my knuckles to my right hand have bled more than they needed to. Surprised I don't have a boxers hand. I am physical, very violent in nature, however I refuse to lash that physical strike on any person. I'll take the pain back into myself instead of the object of my anger flair. You know like the cutter, who feels release of pain, when they bleed, I feel the release of anger, when sharpness of pain hits. Strange what we as humans take on as our norm. Self hate, disgust with the mirror, for we see the truth under the image. Ego, well that's not my flaw. Maybe mine is lack of, working on that. I know that I am one hell of a person, can take a lot on these shoulders. However, I wouldn't wish me on anyone. Shattered, battered, bent, far from broken, but far from being whole. I can't smooth out the wrinkles in the shirt of life for anyone. Don't own an iron. Even though I do have a lot of critical sides, I also know that with people I do love and care for, I am painfully loyal, another flaw. Because I will give them everything they need, and then I will do without. I will always try too soothe their pain, while just letting mine go untended. Again the idea of pain as a constant reminder I am here. The pain in my heart of not feeling lovable or that I deserve it. The pain of giving love and not knowing if it really matters that I do. The pain of not being enough, even though I should be. The pain of constantly starting over, trying to make the best of a bad situation. The pain of choosing what appears to be the wrong path to others, but the only path that I feel comfortable to be on. The pain of loss of my innocence to young and early, no fault of mine. The pain of not allowing one's self to give in. The pain of unfelt total pleasure, it's not allowed, the ability to give in that fully, for then I would have truly let someone in if I did, and we will not let that happen. That goes along with my flaw of the pain of giving and not receiving... Pain, what an old dear friend that word has become.

Recently a friend said "Someday, you will take a compliment, for what it is" Hmmmm, compliments, yeah, ummm, I don't handle those well. Those little could be truth's of the moment, what others might see, the little niceties, little foreign beings... Yeah, they don't make me comfortable actually. Sometimes they are words that feel like little ants crawling on my skin. I was not raised hearing such things, so forgive me if I make a snide comment back to "you look great", yeah I know a thank you should be all I say. To hear, "you know you're beautiful" doesn't make it a truth. Maybe in that person's mind it is, but not in mine. I suppose the saying that one may hear they are beautiful, but will only believe it when they hear from the one that they love, might work. Problem, I don't ever believe it, maybe I haven't truly met the one I could love, hmmmmm..... No it's more accepting to hear in the old comments of things like, you will not succeed in life, you will be a failure, you are painful to look at, you are a source of constant hurtful reminder of all the wrong in my life, the you are too fat, you are too lazy, you are not good enough. Yep, those comments I have tendency to believe.. Those feel like the compliments that my nature is drawn too... flaws in the surface of my life....I have been for first time in my 52 years working towards being comfortable with me. I am working on knowing what my corrective flaws are and trying to accept them. I am always going to work on trying to fully love me for the awesome creature I am, and I know I will get there. This is an outlet for me to just put into words what is not needing to fester anymore. I am not striving to pick at my flaws, this allows them to be out there for world to see, and to maybe begin to heal without the deep scarring that they could have. I will work on trying to believe I deserve the world in brighter more positive mode, that beauty is truly mine to have and to give love and receive.... I may never fully smooth out my surface, but hey cracks in the wall give it character, and Lord knows I have plenty of character for the world to see and well maybe enjoy.........

Road thus far

Choose the road less traveled, for it offers better scenery........

My road through life has been a bit rough thus far, very few moments of smooth pavement. Potholes, cracks, and steep inclines are more the norm. Thank God he made me with strong legs and heart to walk it. I am not complaining, for I know I am who I am because of the trials I have had to pass to continue surviving. I will sometimes falter and yell out "when will things start to go right for me". When will love stay, when will I make finances last, when will my life stay in a happy frame instead of constant turmoil? Then I breathe in and out, and think, it has. I was loved by a man with all he could give for 27 years, longer than many. I have healthy children, who are human with their own troubles and faults, and love me for being just their mom. I have a job that I love to do, may hate the low pay, but I love what I do. As for my daily chaos, well I think, if the waters were still I'd drown from boredom, I am alive and fierce because of it. I am thankful for my health, my ability to change myself for the better. Many can't, but I can. Hard work I am not afraid of. Failing, well I have many times, but I never lay down or will I ever quit trying. It's not in me. Like Dirk sings, I hold on.. Always have been one that never lets go. I know there have been many times I should have. Should of stopped believing and released many people and issues to the wind. However I don't, for nothing has been an anchor to drag me down, no never. I know I am hard on people I don't trust, have always had an eye for true human character. I see people for who they are, their lack of, or their future potential. So I see the possibilities, when most see a  hopeless being, I see a person, given the chance will shine and be the warrior that they always should of been. In some, I see and feel only contempt, for their soul and aura is dark, no matter how much they protest they are the opposite. It's a gift, I fully embrace. I am not here to be everyone's friend, or lover. I just know I am here, God's plan, not mine. So this pavement, broken and uneven as it is, well its a great path to who I am supposed to be. I am just not there yet. The past year as I have dealt with the scare of breast cancer, has been a huge learning curve for me. It's very eye opening, just having your mortality come in to full view. Thanking God, that I am currently breast cancer free, and will stay vigilant to remain that way. Continue to change my behaviors to better my odds. I have continued to deal with the grief over the loss of my life's balance, Bob. He will always be in my heart, and I will always miss him, but finally this year I am learning to let him go. Trying to let him rest in peace, finally. For the longest time, I have laid blame to my sorrows at his feet. Now granted he helped, but he was not fully responsible. My holding on, ME, I was responsible. I let him lie, I let him steal, I let him deceive the family, all in the thought of this is how it's supposed to be. One stays for better or worse, richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, til death do us part. I mean after all wasn't that the vow I took in front of God and my family? Hind sight 20/20. We create our own happiness, we put our emotions into whomever or whatever we feel is what we need. I held on to my sorrows like a life line. I was more afraid of failing as a wife, friend and lover than I was of failing at being happy and complete. I mean after all my own parent's stay married through HELL, so why shouldn't I? Now they live apart, married, but apart. My mom is happier in her personal life. Sure, she misses her kids and grand-kids, but she doesn't miss my fathers hatefulness, or my youngest brothers carbon copy attitude. I suppose if Bob had lived, I would continued to wear blinders and continued to see who he could be, if he believed in himself, like I did. Like I said God's plan, not mine. Now what shall I do with the knowledge that my road is going on for a bit longer? I think I shall continue to walk, take in my surroundings on this road, this dirt road. I will continue to regret nothing, carry on as usual. Be me, give me when necessary. Take the days and nights as they come. Enjoy the smiles, the hugs from family and friends. Continue to strive for my own happiness. Live for the moment, and maybe I'll stumble on this road into the path of my future partner, or not. I will hopefully see my children succeed, to have families of their own. Live to witness my youngest show the world how great he is, watch him continue to rise and shine. Yes, hope, I will always have that. I have finally learned and accepted that my life it is what it is. That it is fully reliant on my choices, my path, and nothing more...

Now stand back and try not to choke on the dust I leave in my wake.....

Queen of hearts.....

There once was a broken warrior who attempted to capture the guarded soul of the queen of hearts. He only succeeded in making her build her walls higher. Locking herself away inside her lonely tower for eternity, trusting not one single soul. Always vying to protect her mangled broken heart from years of deceit and trust lost. Love always being empty promises. She cast out the warrior, locked the gates and melted the key... Whispering never more, never more.......

My best friend knows me well, I tell her how I can't keep thinking of you, my wounded warrior. How you consumed my thoughts, mind, body and soul. How it will never be more than what it is now, which is really nothing. I tell her how I need to let you go. She just says, you do what you feel you need too, but she thinks I am running away from what could be. Keeping my heart locked away and keeping the pain at bay. She's right, but it's what I do, self preserve......I swore when Bob died I was never going to love again, or even try. Never desire another human as I used to long too do. It's easier not needing anyone, it's easier being alone. It's easier not having another person touch your body in a way that leaves you open and vulnerable. It's easier to take what is needed from others and walk away, without a word or reason why you don't return the calls or texts. It's easier to shut down and not feel... Easier said until you cross paths with the one your heart made up years ago, thinking it's safe to make up this man that will never exist. God has a funny sense of humor to place these stumbling blocks in your path. He laughs as we trip up in the middle of our already crazy and emotional roads, and on you I fell over, scrapping my knees and palms, causing superficial cuts that will heal without scars. The pain and tears of knowing that I could give you everything is to much for me to bear at times. You are unavailable, wrapped up in your own world. I need more than you can give, I know that. That's why everyday I swear, I'm done. No more chasing you, no more texts of simple hello's, or longing thoughts. Everyday I swear I am done, until you reply and a smile slips over my face and my heart leaps. Usually works to buy you one more day of my trying, until today..... I will not hear from you. You are occupied, I will not send anymore morning sunshine's or goodnight sir's. I will not try anymore. I need to be chased myself, I need to be wanted and needed first. I need to be the only one, not one of many. See God allowed me to meet you, a player, a womanizer, a man that can not be happy with just one woman. Your curse, not mine. My curse is not being able to trust, believe in, or hope for you or anyone for that matter. To many crushed dreams of happiness for it to ever be a reality. To many lies, to many times my gut instinct has been spot on. So even though I know I could of loved you deeply, completely, and that sexually I would of matched you if not over powered you, I will shut this door. Lock it, and try to hide the key. No dances in the dark, no moments to be wrapped up in each other, no simple conversations early in the AM when sleep evades us. No touching, no connecting, no kisses, no moments of intense passion, none. All these were unintended promises, carrots in front of the cart. Empty longings, going nowhere. The reality of the whole situation is that it is all just a mental mind fuck. Nothing more. I can easily turn to another unavailable male for simple mind fucks if I choose, but I don't, to easy. I like challenges, I like to win. With you there is no winning, just losing on my end. So to save my psyche and heart I cut my loses now. I have not lost really anything beyond words and simple pictures, nothing of my personal self. So yes, it's easy to just turn off the phone, concentrate on my day, my life, my progress in the whole scheme of this game called simply existing. Maybe you truly were just a way for God to wake up that part of me that I thought gone, thought dead. Maybe God just tried to make me realize I can feel something, and that maybe someday I can try again. Maybe.... Just not today, and not with you. I've heard to many times that I deserve so much better, yeah, sure. Haven't met better yet, or really Mr. go all the way where my soul needs him to go. Nope, at my age he doesn't exist. No lightening to strike twice for me, no fire to burn brightly for, that's the reality, not you. You can stay a broken warrior, and I will stay a guarded queen of hearts.....

Walls

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall....

Walls...I have worked on raising mine all my life. Each brick placed to block out oncoming attacks from all sides. Bricks to shield me from pain, misery, deceit, bad weather, and anything else that could attempt to come through and weaken me. We are not born with these, and some lucky souls never ever have to raise one single layer. Others, only a small one that can easily be taken down. Mine however is greater than the great wall of China. It is tall, built solid, built with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Tears to wet the cement of protection. There have been moments in my life that I removed a few bricks, let a few people enter and let them leave. Then I would reseal it, and put more bricks up for bolstering. I let my walls crumble a bit when I met my late husband, trust was not an issue at that time. So those bricks had not even begun to be made or laid. However through the 27 years we were together, my trust was misused. To many lies, to much deceit, to many games. Up they started, higher and higher I built my walls. Bitterness, such a negative, acid carrying feeling, is also part of my wall, became a big part of it's make up. That bitterness, strengthens the wall actually. Don't know if I will ever loose that part. To many wrongs, to many bad decisions, to many let downs, to many wrong paths. My life is the unpaved path, lots of dips, over growth, briers, few flowers, and lots of mud that I have walked through. I do it, because I have too, and refuse to give up, I refuse to lay down and let someone trod over me. I try to let my guard down, a bit, from time to time. All in hopes to maybe take a few bricks out. Sadly, when I do, it's all for naught. I suppose the problem lies in the fact that I have poor choice in the ones I choose to get close too. I lean toward the broken, the battered, the narcissistic males of our species. Far from me the empathetic female that I hear I am. I suppose it's from what I learned was right, what to expect. I don't know how to turn to a strong, all together person. I mean after all, that's what I have to be. My walls, I do truly want them to fall, I do truly want to not be afraid of pain from love. I truly want to trust with all my heart, I just can't. I can fake it with the best. I do that with ease, ahhhh, another part of my wall of protection. Pretend to be all about what is going on with that potential male, seeking to help ease his pain. All in all, I'm watching his every move, picking apart his every word. Waiting for the shoe to drop, for the lie to be told, the pain to be given. For I have learned that to truly let them in only weakens my soul. I recently stopped pretending and really did care and try to ease someone's pain. My only thought was how to please them. I was trying to take bricks down to do this. Back of mind my voices kept whispering, be careful, be watchful, you are not paying attention. I tried to ignore them, as I continued on my path of trying to let him in. However they got louder, started yelling... Look, inspect, you silly girl, to finally I did, and his wall of deceit showed through. His playing ways were now obvious. So out came my cement and those old mistrust bricks were replaced. I suppose the point, the lesson to learn for me from this, is still to follow my instinct, my gut. Next time be more careful who I think about letting in. For I do hope there is a next time, right now, I don't think so, matter of fact I'm on my way out to by more cement, I still have a lot of new bricks to place.

Thanks Grandpa

I miss you, my summer keeper of safe and happy memories .....

I can still feel and see, my childhood summer memories, even in my darkest moments, they are light that guides me home. Those June bugs on a string, whirring around my head, silly laughter as they land on my shoulder. Chasing fire flies through fields as evening begins. The smell of grandma's catfish a cooking on the stove, and those blackberry stains all over my hands, mouth watering from the thought of that cobbler a baking. Singing as loud as I could in front of my make believe crowd on the back of my grandpa's old flat bed Ford. Bowing low for the standing ovations, and silent yells for encore, that I'd gladly continue to give. The smell of fresh mowed hay, the feel of weight of the bale as it was bucked up into that same old flat bed. The comforting sounds of cows in the back ground calling for their calves. Tomato's hot from the sun straight off the vine, bursting warm and sweet in my mouth. Strawberries glistening on the ground, picking until we couldn't pick anymore. Dirt roads to explore for miles and miles. Sassafras filling the air with thoughts of Root Beer floats, overflowing in the glass. Honeysuckle invading my senses and taking me away on the wind. Frogs a jumping into that old green pond, with the dragon flies darting to an fro. Grandmas lilac bush with purple beauty and fragrance that calms the soul. Coyotes howling at night, chasing that distant train, but never quiet catching it. All these memories seem like a dream, far off life that created the safe place in my mind. My only joy from my childhood, was the moments lived and shared on that old farm. 382 acres of fun, laughter, adventures, and lots of love without pain. I go there from time to time in my mind to reflect the innocence lost elsewhere in my life. My grandfather, Virgil,  was a simple, honest man, never an unkind word to me, never a hand lifted in anger. I loved him with all I had. The man who told me to tell them all to go to hell, he gave me that bit of strength in moments of my life that I felt that I might succumb to my life of fear and pain. In my mind this man would live forever, but we as mortals should know better. For he did die, in my heart and mind to young.  After he died, I dreamed of him, sitting at my bedside holding my hand and telling me again to continue to be strong, that storms were a coming and to remember I will be alright. I do believe he was fore warning me of things to come, and to this day I lean in on his memory. This man who taught me to fish, to just be able to sit on those banks in the sun and be still, listening to the water, feeling the world around me. He taught me to love the things around me, to not give up, keep waiting, that fish will bite when ready. He taught me to jerk that line, set that hook, and pull that life line in to me. He taught me that some fish get away, and that's Gods plan, not ours. Let them go, but never give up on continuing the chase. He disliked snapping turtles, only time I ever heard him say an ill word was when they would take his potential prize flat head off his trout line. His yelling of "fire in the hole" when catching Carp early in the morning, still rings with excitement in my ears.  I can still feel those moments of riding in the boat as the sun peaked up from the horizon, with fresh water misting up in my face. My first love of being near and on the water, I do believe came from being in those moments. This man taught me about life and death, about giving more than we receive, and being happy with the simple things that are found around us. I can still see him standing near his old tractor in blue overalls, red wing boots, and his bright light eyes. This farmer, father, my grandfather, this strong figure of a meaningful man, will never fade in my mind. He could fillet a fish faster and better than anyone I have ever seen, skin that fish and leave the heads as his trophies, as if he had to feed the wind with their spirits. He would sit out at the picnic table in the afternoon, fly swatter in hand, sure hand, hardly ever missed his target. Talking to the black squirrels, cracking the black walnuts open, leaving inviting fragrances to give to them, to keep them around, again sharing with the world around him. I see him sitting at the old black and yellow kitchen table, with his green coffee cup in the AM, black and hot that coffee was. A true man, if ever I knew one. I know he's the model of what a man should be, one I have in my mind and heart. May be no one that will ever fill that image more than he for me. He gave me what my father could not, the desire to live and love. He gave me peace when my life was in chaos. He gave a lap to curl up on, a hug without cost, and silent "I love you" in everything he did. He was not a man of many words, no, he was a man of actions. Character to me that was unflawed, truth, love, safety and strength was all I ever felt around him. I suppose I think about him today for I know he passed those abilities on to me. I am far from unflawed, but I am stronger than that little girl was all those years ago, and you were right grandpa, I am alright, and I'll continue to ride the storms out, another fish to catch and I will always continue this chase all my life.....

What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

What a wicked spell you have cast over me.....

I have never been overwhelmed by the thought of someone, until I met him. I found myself with the idea of him crashing into me, all day. I have never been able to not fully focus on the task at hand, but he sent my mind into a million different places. He has a strength about him and force that called to me to walk toward his dark passions. His needs, I at first thought, are deep, deeper than mine. He is that demon that I can't say no too, the secret desire to spark my inner self. He awoke in me a part that I thought dead. My Cin, she has been fully asleep for more than 10 years, well actually, Cin started slipping out of my consciences a longer time before then. My Cin's passion for life, love, desire, intimacy has always been intense. To much for the average, and I had settled for less than that. So Cin was gagged, sedated for most of my adult life. She'd roar through when passion stirred between me and another, but never satisfied by the encounter. Cin would sulk in the corner of my mind, pout and stamp her foot to go find him, but I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't even try. I married a man that knew how to coax her to the surface, but he could not keep her there every day. That Cin side of myself was a bit much, and he had other demons to deal with, than my deepest needs or desires. He used to say I was the lock and he was the key, and loved opening me up to let Cin out to play, his favorite Cin. He was the first one to say that, call me Cin, call me out. So when he brought that wild child to life, it was magical, but was only a moment of brief sunlight, brief breath taking rises to the surface, just that, brief, and over in a flash. Other parts of my persona always pushed Cin into the background. The mother, the provider, the fighter, all elbowing her to be still, be quiet, let them do what needs to be done. So down she went. Curled up in a ball, waiting, and waiting. When grief took over after my husband died, I was sure that part of me was lost forever. That side of me that I truly relish and come alive in. My secret beautifully longing child. The one who loves and thrives on touch, the pleasures of all my senses. She allows me to dance in the dark, frolic in the sand, float upon the water, and dive deep to rise up to the surface again, and again. She gives me the strength to push a man up against the wall, pressing his back firmly against it. She gives me the drive to take that bull by the horns and ride that bronc to breaking. Yes, she gives rise to all my deeper needs. Finding the one that can meet those for me, is another story for most if not all of my life, he was not to be found. Then all of a sudden I turn a page and there he is, I thought, for a moment. For he quickly picked up on Cin, and I knew she'd be his favorite if he could have her, but he couldn't, or I wouldn't. I toy with the idea of letting her take over, allow me to be different than my controlled persona. I think Cin would be very much in charge of where she leads us, but not so sure she'd allow me to keep it. Cin would want to move on,  if left with the feeling of not enough connection and completeness with another human being. So I am sure she will keep me searching. Cin loves to sing for me, I do believe she is truly the underlying melody that allows my heart to beat on.  Cin loves to live, drink, enjoying every moment of intensity. I pay for my Cins behavior issues, me, I own it. She is me, I am Cin, and I want to break free from the chains that have kept me unfulfilled, that have caged my chance for happiness and completeness. I wanted to walk to this man and lay my hands palms up for him, to take and lead me down that path, that I have been longing to take for far to long. However it will not be with him, for my fear of falling and ultimate rejection can not be over come, and timing is not in place for both of us. My wants and needs may truly be more than he can endure. So, again I await for my life to move toward alignment with the stars. My Cin is awake, whispering in my ear, and waiting, toes tapping to the rhythm of my heart. I feel her and I whisper, I can take the chance now to allow us to be as one. The point is I am awake, finally. A part of me can thank him for that, at least. For now his spell is broken by reality, and the only wicked part that remains is the glint in my eye and smile I keep when I think about what fun my future will hold, and onward I will step......

Regret can be a bitter pill

Regret can be a bitter pill if you let it be. Overwhelming feelings, stemming from regret of a simple word spoken, a word written, a moment spent in time. If you think about it, regret truly is just a moment in which self reasoning lapses, nothing more. So why do we hold on to regret, to negative thinking, feelings, self flogging at the thought of self failure of the things we do? What purpose does it serve? To lower your self worth, your sense of stability, to make you feel less than adequate? Doesn't enough of life cause that reflection and reaction? Regret, should not be a sword held over your head. Not a weapon of self destruction. So what if you were unfaithful, a teller of lies, painfully sarcastic, showing more skin that you think you should, giving more than given, dancing naked in the rain, whatever it may be, feeling less from it does you no good. I think you should process what you possibly should of done, and not hold onto what was done. Next time dance naked in the rain with a great partner, share that naughty pic with your heart and the one that shares it, cheat on the diet not on the one you love, and speak the truth, no matter how painful it may be, be kinder with your words, save the sarcasm for the losers that do truly need it, there are plenty out there. I think the action of doing something you may deem wrong, is a on a learning curve, one should simply try to think of other options, and then move on. Be aware of your actions, and if you make a painful mistake, then own it, swallow it, pride and all, then move on. Make it a win, change the next course. Let regret go, it's not a great keepsake, no one likes salt in the wounds all the time, unless its from tequila shots, then drink on.

Holding grudges again another useless feeling. Makes one angry, bitter, smaller in the scheme of things. Life is way to short to hold onto grudges. Let it go. Forgive yourself first, then others, even when they deserve less than your good grace. I have been working on this act of letting go and forgiveness to people that gave me life. I am grateful for being alive, and know full well that without them, my parent's, I would not be here. Nor would I be the person I am. I can forgive them for not being perfect, I can forgive them for the pain, the sadness, the shaming, the lack of unconditional love, all because they did not know truly how to forgive themselves, for not being perfect. They will never truly say sorry, so I say it, all the time. I utter that simple phrase even when it's not me who is in pain, because I know pain all to well. I am not innocent of inflicting pain. I have given it to those who did not deserve it, did not earn my wrath. Anger comes to easily, hurtful words spill out to quickly, and sorry always spills out to easily, but am I truly sorry? Most times yes, but I accept those times, I don't dwell on them. Sarcasm comes easy just as my anger flashes, burns out, then recharges to be released in rapid fire. My daughter has learned this from me, as I did from my mother. I suppose it's a reflex now for all of us. Inflict the most harm before we receive it. Yeah, another area I am trying hard to fix, not just for myself but for my daughter as well. It took me almost 5 1/2 years from Bob's death to forgive him for all the pain he put me and our children through. Took me a long time to realize he did what he could with what he had. He tried at the very end, he really did, but as he said and as I did, to little to late. He felt my anger and bitterness straight to his soul, and I am sure it hurt him more than I will ever know. He loved me through my faults, and helped push me to be a stronger person than I ever thought I could be. No regrets now, a life lived, love given and lesson's learned. Now it's time for me to move forward and be better to myself, something I know he'd want, and always knew I could do. Stand on my own, no regrets, no longer holding onto grudges, no longer being sorry, no longer holding onto anger.... I am a work in progress, but when I am finished I will shine brighter than I ever did, and God help the lucky one that holds onto this diamond.... Okay maybe not, but smiling and laughing is a great way to pass the time... Let it go, keep on flying that kite...

yoyo

Just like a yoyo....

Ever get tired of being pulled forward then thrown back. Promises of that comfort only to be then met with silence. Start of day that is up and feeling great, then crashing mid way with badness. Going up and going down, over and over again. That's been my world for the past few weeks. Professionally and personally, kind of makes you a little insane at times. To say I have yelled f'me more than once a day is an understatement. Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. I can't see myself doing really anything else. It's just lately there are more bad days than good. Could just be me going through changes to me. I've thought of that, taking Tamoxifen is not easy, but a necessary means to and end. At least I pray and hope it is. Still the changes to my emotions have been sometimes unsettling. I have always had a short fuse, but lately it's shorter. I have always allowed myself moments to cry, for it's the body's way for emotional cleansing. Just lately it's for ridiculous reasons. However I am trying to be more positive than I used to be. Realizing how much I give and mean to the world around me is a new process, and realizing these unwanted emotions are just part of the package, is also a new concept. I'll get there. Now what to do about work, about the good day/bad day combo, everyday. Hmmmmm, I suppose I can just let it happen, learn to accept that I can not control everything. Good concept, problem is I always want to be in control. Hard to relinquish that role. Maybe I should replace my frequent verbal onslaught of profane words with alternatives. Fudge instead of F***, well, yeah, NO! Can't change something I love to say. However I do suppose I could breathe in and breathe out, count to ten, think of a sandy beach and smile before I say it. Think about the fact that everyone is trying to just do the best they can at their job at hand. Mistakes get made, silly and annoying questions get asked, ridiculous demands are made, and the world around us asks to much of us, some days. I need to just learn to accept that, move on. These past few weeks, let's hope, are just that, passing, past, and that the good days will out weigh the bad ones soon. I can hope for that.

Now as for the yoyo effect in my personal life, feeling up and then feeling down, is just the way it's going to be. There is no one that is truly pulling me closer and pushing me away. He doesn't exist, I do that to myself. I do know that I should distance myself from destructive behavior that I have a tendency to be drawn too. It's in my nature, you know being "Cin" and all. My dark side can be comforting to me. It is a place I don't mind visiting, but I don't want to live there. I do like my brighter side, the happier side, the positive side. That place is fairly new to me actually. I suppose I am fearful of staying on that side because in the past it was taken away all the time, all the damn time. Promises of a better tomorrow, never came. Promises of change for the good, again never came. Promises to always be there, well they are not here. The dark side would whisper stay with me, I'll protect you, I'll shield you from all that is wrong. Darkness is a wonderful lover actually, but not a great friend. Not a great healer, and not what I truly need. I prefer the warmth of the the light. Now again lately I am trying, trying hard to stay warm. I am also embracing my "Cin" side, for I know I am amazing, strong, and worth so much more than I give myself credit for being, over these past 52 years. "Cin" is just a wonderful part of me. An expression of my passion for life and love. I suppose I miss her, that sensual side that is all powerful, and controlling. She too walks with purpose and has so much to give, of herself. Blessed was I with this nature, just who do I choose to let her touch and control is another question. How to combine my beauty and my beast, how to balance my good with my bad self, they both want control. The light and the dark side, I truly do think that they compliment each other. So maybe the yoyo effect of being me well works better. Give and take, I mean isn't that what life is.

So balance is what I am trying to obtain in my everyday existence, just like the rest of the world. Harmony between good and bad, light and dark, ups and downs, control and the loss of control. Equal partners really in the grand scheme of things. So I will take the good when can and someday's curse the bad, other days I'll embrace it as being just how it is for the moment. So while I play yoyo I might as well learn to "walk the dog" and roll on.....

knock, knock

I will never remarry....Nope, not going to do it. Been there done that. I find I do say that a lot. I suppose it's my defense mechanism. If I don't allow myself to think about a future with someone other than just by myself, I won't have to worry about goodbyes. I won't have to worry about being open, being laid bare by another person. I can laugh at loneliness, because it's a comfortable place to be. I know what to expect from it. No hurt feelings, no let downs, no loss, for it's already an empty place to be. Totally void of human connection....Easy to say, and I do my best to convince my heart what my mind constantly mutters in the stillness of the night. I am better standing alone, my mind voices loudly....but my heart has a voice of it's own. It screams out to connect, to bring lost feelings back. It screams out to let passion stir within my soul again, give into love and desire. My heart longs for conversation over pillows, over coffee, over time. Just wants to be able to hold onto a hand, feel the warmth on my skin of a gentle but longing touch. My heart longs for those deep looks that see right through your soul, see your dark side and accept all that you are. My mind battles my heart constantly. They are siblings fighting for the right to be my choice. So when I do think which would I choose, if I have the choice, if the option were there. I think the wise decision of course would always be to choose love. But my mind screams out, what is love? Feelings of lightness, bonding, togetherness, maybe connection of beings, or so we have been told. Or is it just a made up feeling, that man has bought into. Is love real, or an illusion? Hmmmm, I don't know. Hollywood sells it, as a cure all, books a million are written glorifying it. Men and women have died in the name of love. Children are born, in the name of love. Many say "I love you" just to get what they need, whether it be sexual, spiritual, or financial. It has become a word that is easily thrown around. I love that, when in all fairness, it's an object. Can you love pizza, does it complete you? Love is a many splendid things, hmmmm. Love of a child, now that's real. My mind can buy that, my heart is full of the love I have for my children. My heart shouts, there is nothing in this world like that feeling of utter joy, from that first site of your new born child, that kiss on a sleeping baby's forehead, the intoxicating smell of a child fresh from a bath. The giggles, the cries, completeness. That my mind and heart can agree, sounds like what love is. What is love between two people, but a challenge of wills, my mind asks? My heart sings out that it is so much more, it is the sharing of thoughts, is it the thrill of just two voices speaking to each other in the dead of the night. It's the wisp of hair falling across the face, that's gently brushed away.  It is the tear from complete orgasmic connection, felt only between two people in a moment of passion. My mind states, love can only lead to heated words, disagreements, rejection  and pain when love leaves. Ahh my heart sighs, yes, love can cause pain, fear, battles, but the feelings of trust, completeness, connection, safety, comfort, that is shared between two people out weigh the risk of all the badness that is felt when love is thought to have left. Ultimately love is worth fighting for....... We are thinking and feeling souls, we are given the ability to choose which path to walk. However I think that when it comes to loving someone, it comes out of nowhere. I suppose from left field. God taps you on the shoulder and presents a chance. Take it or leave it, but don't regret it...So I suppose that even though I swear I'll never love again, give myself completely to another, that's still just my mind trying to protect me. While my heart continues to beat and hope and urge me on to open up and try again. For we have so much love left to give....

When love comes knocking will I let him in, I hope so....

Sunday Musing

Be gone from my heart, be gone from my mind, be gone the soul that had tried to leave me muted and blind..

You broke my heart with your cruel intentions, but strengthened my mind and will when I saw right through you.

I could of loved you, if you had let me, but your world of self doubt and need to control tried to change me. 

I've fought all my life to just be allowed to be me, wind in my hair with laughter and music in my heart. You wanted me to not share my world, but to keep quiet, still, and bending only to your needs, this would of killed me. 

No matter the desire to be loved or to give love, I will not allow myself to be under anyone's thumb, I have no desire to be controlled.

I stand tall, shoulders back and head held high, for the love I have for being me and free, has kept your chains from dragging me down. 

Sunshine is so much better than the dark place you kept taking my mind, and I rather walk in the sunshine than lay down and give up and live in your dark world.

For I am sunshine, bright, full of light and warmth, and at times someone who may need the moon to complete me. You sir are not the moon, but a mere shadow of something that could be.  

Mere words that rattle off this AM, trying to set myself right. I know that God has given me the strength to rise above many challenges, and has kept my will from being broken. All my life..... As a child I was beat upon because of my nature, my mouth, my mind, for existing. Those lashes upon my skin did not break me. For with each welt from the belt I became more determined to grow to be me, and untamed, and uncontrolled. I say what I think, and yes there are times that I should process and look over what I am about to say, but usually it just comes out. Sometimes I cast way to many stones into the water of conversation. Yes I also reflect back to much, and mull over things done and said, to see if there is something I can change, to make things better. Hind site is always clearer than some cloudy moments. Even so, I am working on becoming better, stronger and more mentally fit. This process of letting go of things that control me, like my silly ramblings of what ifs, my moments of not taking ownership of being a beautiful woman, is an ongoing challenge. It's easier to say I have no heart, even though everyone who knows me, can see right through that. I have a big heart, bigger than the size of me, which is fairly large. Another area of needed change, working on it. I would love to give myself some moments of lost control, but by my choice. Not from someone that doesn't know who I am. I am not a piece of clay that can be molded to fit everyone else's needs. I can bend, I can give, but I will not change shape. Can't go from a circle to a square. 

So I want to continue to feel the freedom of wind blowing in my face, whether on a mountain top, sandy beach or just from walking in the sun. I want to be the running horse always, with main and tail flying behind me. Exhilarated by just living in the moment.....I am a work in progress, and grateful that God keeps driving me forward and removing those that really do not fit into his plan for my growth and needs. Grateful for eyes that see, a mind that thinks clearly, a mouth that speaks truthfully, arms that can hold the ones I love, and a heart that beats strongly and that belongs to God and me. My only chains are the ones I have created not anyone else, and it feels pretty good to have those links fall one by one.....

I will go on living as the woman I am, taking ownership of being strong, bright, beautiful, loving and giving, and letting go of all these things that have weakened my spirit. Smiling finally and simply ask you to just let those ponies run, for I am among them........  

Morning Sunshine

Morning Sunshine, it's so wonderful to see and feel you today......

In the stillness of this Saturday morning, when all my house is asleep, I am up, watching the sun rise slowly in the morning sky. All pink and promising. What lays ahead today, what truths will be revealed? How will I add to this world with my presence today? Will I stumble again, or will I just continue to hold my head up and keep walking, only God knows. Questions of existence are only drowned out by the song of the morning birds, the rustling of a sleeping child's sheets, the distant barking of someone's dog, and in my neighborhood the crowing of some backyard rooster. Life all around, stretching, yawning, rising up to greet the day. I used to say that I was far from a morning person, more a mid afternoon kind of girl, but lately I find I really do enjoy being up before the world really gets going. Comfort found in these quiet moments are cherished and needed. The feeling of the air brisk upon my face as I let my own dogs out into the yard, is refreshing. The smell of coffee in the cup, waking my senses up. Up I am, up I hope to continue to be, thinking and looking at what I may bring to this world. Throughout the season's of my life I have adapted, the way one should in order to continue in this ever changing world. Change, that at times has been difficult and resisted, ultimately accepted and the challenge met. The saying it's always darkest before the dawn, speaks truth. Storms always seem less threatening when over and the healing of the battered world left in the storms wake, is started just by the breaking sun through the clouds at early dawn.Rays of light and hope, shine through. God's gift everyday is new day. What we choose to do with that day is the other gift God has given us. Right or wrong we go forward with our day, make mistakes, sometimes knowing full well that they are, and at other times, well not so much. I don't think really anyone purposely sets out to hurt others, at least I don't. It's just sometimes actions or words bring into view what some may not want to see. I make no apologizes for speaking my mind or being who I am, but if I unintentionally hurt someone, then I will own it and ask forgiveness, if warranted. Sometimes it's better to just let the truth hit them, and then one just walks away, if one can. A stormy night of angry thoughts that clutter the mind set to weaken the heart and soul, sometimes surrounds me. Thoughts of  resent, regret, rejection, are hard to handle at best. The night just makes them seem louder and threatening, like thunder and lightening, but when the light of day breaks through and the clouds separate, these thoughts disperse and become irrelevant. When you realize that it doesn't matter what one individual thinks of you compared to the majority that know you, it becomes just an opinion of one and nothing more. You become the morning sun, you shine much brighter when you put your heart and mind in a more positive place. True some mornings you are not greeted with God's suns love, but grey skies and rain, in those moments just remember, there is still greatness going on, change everywhere, growth in the world, and that the rain is needed to help bring to surface things that may need to be just washed away. Revel in the promise of tomorrow, and just like the morning sun will shine, so should you. Today I am sunshine, and a ray of hope fills me, and life is good...

MF'r

MF'r

Well today, as most days at work, my vocalization ran the gamut. I swore more in my first 10 minutes at work than one person should be allowed too in the course of their day or even maybe their lifetime. Yep, I knew it from the moment I walked in and saw how many patients I was going to have to manage. Now I know that's what I get paid a little for, but someday's I just feel it more. I long for a long vacation away from it all, work, kids, life, just everything. However that will not be happening anytime soon. So I wig out sometimes, well a lot of times. Short fuse, yes I will admit I have one. God cursed me with this temper, and a switch that flips at the drop of a hat. Yep mouth like a trucker or drunken sailor. Curse words that should not be uttered by such a refined woman like myself.... HA! I am far from it. I look at my use of curse words, as a way to keep me from having a stroke, keeps my sanity. I let the volcano blow, and then it all settles down, for awhile at least. My favorite word usually starts with an "F", or at least is a big part of it. The word just flows off my tongue. It goes with everything. You know like F*** this sucks, F*** he's hot, F*** it is hot, Awww F*** ain't that cute. See and when you add mother in front of it, all goes perfect with it. Like when you are driving in traffic (yes, I have road rage too) you might find yourself in the need to yell out Mother F***** get off the road, Mother F***** what are you doing, Mother F*** he's hot, Mother F*** that was so sweet, see it works goes with everything, kind of like chips and salsa....So mother F'r is truly one of my daily favorites. Now, of course I also like calling people by what they are, often  throughout the day. I call it like I see it, F****** idiot, is perfect, goes for patients, family members, doctors, nurses, anyone including myself. If you are one, then I am going to call you one. Light switches on a lot. Now that is my everyday utterance, I fully admit to this short coming. I own it. I realize that I am who I am and will not be changing anytime soon. So again I accept it. But I know full well that as God has cursed me in one area, he blessed me in another. He gave me a compassionate heart, when one is needed. I suppose that's why I still do what I do everyday. I continue to go back for daily punishment just for the moments when I can give comfort and solace. I am amazed at how I can still have a heart, when I give it out daily. When a person is not long for this world or is not doing well, it's not only them that need a comforting word, but the family that may just need that shoulder to lean into, to cry on. I have seen and felt how just a kind word of encouragement might be what that 22 year old newly paralyzed woman needs, to just sit up and fight for just learning to move forward. I give encouragement to those in need so they may begin to brave the pain. Pain is so much a crippling factor in holding up healing, for it's not just physical it's mental too. Medication can lesson the physical pain, but it takes a bit more to handle the emotional pain. That's what I am for, to help start the healing for many. The simple act of  hugging the mother of the son with the traumatic brain injury as she is learning to give feeds through a tube, just to sustain his life. To praise her for what she is attempting to do, letting her know, he knows your are there, even if he can't yet tell her his needs or thanks. It's a great feeling to see her relax a bit and move on with confidence and smile. Just that bit of touching may be the beginning force to keep her going when she doubts she can do this, take her son home for his new long journey. I walk around and give hugs freely all day long. It's a dual process, because not only do I give, I receive, and that helps sustain me. When I give a hug, I take into me what they give. It may be their grief that I absorb, because someone needs too. It may be their happiness that they or their family member has pulled through. I am blessed with having shoulders that are big enough to not only carry my burdens but to handle a few more from people I tend too. I feel their pain, their needs, their joy and their heart breaking. I connect when I need to, when the moment is right, and even though I hate my smile, I will give it brightly every time I walk into a room of those in need, all day long, everyday. I will speak gently, softly or up beat and loudly, mold my vocabulary to the moment, to the need. So even though I fully admit my favorite words are curse words, I can give just as easy those kind word, the ones that will be remembered by those in need, they don't hear the cutting word. Quick as that I can flip that switch. That's how I maintain my sanity. The volcano erupts and out pours all the pain, the suffering, the grief, and even the joy, which as we know allows me to be who I am........ So peace my loves, and happy F****** evening....  

Tuesday, the day before the appointment.......

Tuesday, the day before the appointment.......

Tomorrow I will go see my Medical Oncologist, Dr. Brenner. A good enough doctor for what he has to treat. I can only hope and pray that his treatment plan was the one that will allow me to beat breast cancer. It's odd looking back to this time last year when I went for that long needed mammogram. I had skipped it for a couple of years, I mean I wasn't worried. I had all negative mammograms before, and there were no history of breast cancer in my family. So I wasn't concerned. Nope, not at all. I went in and waited in line to check in, and heard the receptionist ask the lady in front of me if she wanted the 3D mammogram, that it would be an additional 75$ since insurance does not cover it. She declined, when she asked me I quickly said yes, I have a 9 year old son that needs me. Why did I say that, I don't know, just came out. So off I went to have the wonderful pressing of the girls, and then off I went home. No big deal, now worries, letter would come and I would again file it away as another negative, and get my PCP off my back for one more year. However the letter did not come, instead I got phone call from my doctors nurse saying "They found something on your mammogram and need you to go back in for repeat films with an ultra sound. Hmmmmm, well could be a cyst, could be nothing. So I scheduled the appointment, made it late in the day so wouldn't have to miss work. Went by myself, the first of many by myself's, but I did not know that then. Well much ado about many things, ultra sound measured something amiss in my left breast. New mammogram showed a star pattern. The radiologist, called me back to her office to explain it looks like cancer. Just like that. There I sat, all by myself, just nodded and said let's schedule the biopsy. When I made out to my car, the only person I called was my best friend, I mean who else would I call. No real family member would think anything of it, and I could not call my kids,I sure wasn't going to scare them if they did not need it. Bridget went with me on the day of my biopsy, and I was grateful she was there. Went smoothly and life went on. A week later my doctor called me around 6:30 PM on a Thursday to tell me the results. She said it was an aggressive form of cancer, from what she could read, and recommended a few doctors. I was stunned. I held it together, called Bridget, still held it together. Then I called my mom, held it together until I got angry, then let for a brief moment that feeling of "why me" come through and cried. My mom was reasonably upset, but said it will all be fine in her typical fashion. The next day I went in to work and told them, and with a flurry, my boss Lisa took charge, immediately she was on the phone setting up CTRC appointments with the best. My work family came through the whole time I was under going this cancer process, treatment and healing. They held me up at moment I needed them too, and held their breaths while we waited.  The thing about cancer is you don't think it will happen to you, that's some else's disease. It happens only to the good people, many say. Well surly there was a mistake, because God knows I'm not a good person, bent a bit actually, so why did it happen to me? One theory, is that I am overweight, increased estrogen with lipose cells, is fuel for hungry cancer cells. Another theory is that I drank weekly, a lot on Friday's and most Saturday's. Another theory is the stress of just my life. Ultimately it was just how it is. Anyway, this was small tumor, found by mammogram, not by feel. That was in my corner. The type of cancer I had was estrogen positive, progesterone positive, and HER2 negative. A breast cancer that can be treated, can be cured with surgery, radiation and chemotherapy if needed. I underwent a partial mastectomy or a lumpectomy as some call it in June of 2015. I was told they would test the lymph nodes and if negative then I would not have any drains and they would leave my axillary nodes alone. Well the day of Surgery, Bridget drove me, my angel, my best friend. My good friend from work came also Kathy, to give support. She took half a day off just to make sure I made it into surgery okay. Just before they were to wheel me into surgery, my mother arrived. Said her good lucks and off I went. I remember waking up from surgery and there was Dr. Byron Branch saying "you won't remember I was here" and I said yes I will, and then asked him if I had any drains. Nope he said, and for the first time that day I felt relief. Pain nothing that I couldn't handle, just knowing that my lymph nodes where clean. Dr. Bhavani Kura also came to see me in recovery, again my work family giving support. My mom left right after I got out of recovery, and Bridget drove me home. Bridget checked on me by phone all the time. Kathy checked on me daily as well. People from worked texted me, face booked me, my friends and family from Bob's side, checked on me. My family by blood did after awhile. You see I suppose they knew I did not need them too. I was fine, plus I had my kids to help me out while I mended and my best friend to make sure I let myself heal. Still the majority of my cancer process was alone, alone in the Med Onc office, alone in the Surgical Onc offices and alone in the Radiation Onc office. I preferred it that way, drove myself, shouldered it, and kept on. I refused to burden anyone, because it's not their burden, but mine. The news of my clean margins, and that Dr. Oliver was sure it was a success, and that I will be cured by surgery alone if I chose was a comforting thought. Well I chose to add radiation therapy, and Dr. Brenner ruled out the need for me to under go Chemotherapy. I suppose a blessing from God, because I would not have to miss any work more than my 2 weeks I took off for the surgery and recovery. It took my incision over 6 weeks to heal. So I could not start Radiation until mid August. I went every day Monday thru Friday at 4:30, right after work. I met amazing people, Tammy Escobedo, who I bonded quickly with, like a sister. She played my Stevie Ray Vaughn while they zapped me. My skin did alright at first and then boom, second degree burns near the end. The wound care they offered just wasn't cutting it. I was in pain and uncomfortable, but I worked through it. Now honestly I did get testy with a few patients who were complaining of their incision pain, their 1/2 incision pain, like they were dying. I so badly wanted to rip off my shirt and say, "see this, this is what pain looks like" but I kept clothed. I did however go see my friends in wound care and with the help of Rebecca and Sue, we came up with a perfect healing plan. I quickly shared with Dr. Crownover. Told him, I got cancer in order to show you how to care for these radiation burns...Silly but it sounded right at time.. Like all wounds, I healed. I still have pain, swelling and a fluid collection that bothers me. I appear whole, except for a small portion to the left side of my breast. I look at it as my battle scar, I bear it, I beat it. Or at least I hope I have. There is so much I need to do in my life, so much I need to share, to give, that I can not fathom breast cancer returning. So yes a part of me is afraid about this appointment tomorrow, but it's unfounded fear because my mammogram done recently was clean, but I do need to hear this for myself from Dr. Brenner. So tomorrow's appointment I think about today, and my future I think about a lot lately. I recently spoke to my sister-in-law, Mary Clair about how I hope before I die, that I be in love, or move to the beach.. Her and I are thinking the beach is where I'll end up, sitting on my deck with wine glass in hand, music of the waves in the back ground, and enjoying the sunsets of my life.. a better way to end...

Minds picture is still safe

Oh Monday why do you make me ponder so....

Have you ever longed for someone for what feels all your life. The essence of a soul that you swear does not exist. You place a picture in your mind, he must be very tall. He must have a great smile. He must have lots of hair to run my fingers through. He must have eyes of blue that look and lock up my very soul. He must have a mind that see's all and has lived life. He must have unending passion and fire in his touch. He must possess strength that is not seen but felt.... These little things, no mention of character, profession, age, faith, or vices. Just a man that fits those life long images. It's possible years ago I set out to strengthen my own protective walls by making up this man, the one for me. It has worked, in reality he for me has not existed. That carried away feeling, butterflies in the pit of my stomach, that increase in heart rate just at the thought of him, that I can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop thinking of him feelings, I longed for, always. Never felt them in all my 52 years. Even with the man I would eventually marry and grow to love, I was not "in" love with. I loved him for saving me at one time. I loved him for bringing out the woman in me over and over again. I loved him for being the father of my children, but no passion, no desire to always be near, no feelings of I can't make it without him. No, never. Now when he died, I felt it deeply, but loss of what is easy, what was my everyday existence, what I was responsible for, was just that a loss. Then set the in the feelings of loneliness, from the loss of my normalcy. Tears for emptiness, for being at an age that one can not just walk out and start all over. Over and over again I began thinking back to that picture in my mind, of what or who I thought I needed to find, knowing again he doesn't exist. Safety found in keeping my walls up. My need to protect myself from being lied to, being used, being open to pain, always keeps me on guard. But why would I need to let my walls down since this man I longed for doesn't exist. My dream lover, my dream soul mate, my dream friend, all just a dream......Then out of nowhere walks a man into my life that seemingly fit my life long made up perfect man. The first time I actually met him I couldn't breathe, for his eyes locked mine and did not leave them. His smile blinded me from all those around us, I did not even notice them. I did not get side tracked by other's voices, it all melted into the surroundings around us. He wasn't afraid to touch, and his fingers set my skin afire. He had hair all a mess and full of waves. He was very tall, and I was so able to lean into, strong enough to hold me up. He was familiar, was easy to connect with, it was instant. He was intense, full of living, and had that edge that makes all bad boys appealing. He made my heart quicken with just the thought of him. All of these feelings I had never felt in my 52 years of existing were flooding my whole person. On the verge of obsession, making my balance and my normalcy way off. I don't get all a flutter over a man, nope not me, but with him I did.......The problem is he is a real man, with his own life, his own reality of existence. He's full of his own fears, his own misgivings, his own walls, and no matter how I feel from just our brief moment of sharing the same air, I can not change that. I can not take away his years of pain and self doubt by just thinking I can. So even though he appears to be that man I have dreamed of, I can't move forward. The road block of protective walls are up in front of us both. I will have to be happy with my new found friend, as a friend. Who knows, maybe being his friend I can help him eventually come out from behind his walls and find the one he longs for. She just won't be me, and I am okay with that. For at least I was able to have those absent feelings peek their heads out and let me feel them for a little while. I can let my perfect picture of my most wanted male to go back into my mental files, and still rest assured that he doesn't exist, and that I am safe for another day.

My light, my hope, my loves

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!

Well at least to a certain 10 year old boy, the bunny was very good to him as usual.. ;)
Up before the sun his brother put out the basket and his sister last night after he went to bed hid all the eggs, inside, rain and all. I could not make this journey to me without acknowledging them. Cody, Chelsea and Connor. They have been my driving force beyond self preservation for more than half my life. Everything I've done and will do. Even eventually finding new love will be for them. If mom is happy and settled then they do not need to worry. It will happen someday, I'm working on it, slowly. Still water runs deep..

Now as for my acknowledging my children let me tell you about them, share the workings of these pieces of me and of their late father. Shards of brilliance shining in the sun when they allow. Cody and Chelsea are really guarded, rightfully, and Connor is full in your face sunshine, he's a happy child in a sea of despair around him, all his life. Working on keeping him like that, is what I try to do, because sunshine feels so much better. So onward with my thoughts and descriptions of my better parts of my life.

Cody, like I had said in my first blog, is my first born, pushed into the world on a Sunday December morning. It was pure joy to have that perfect face look up to me. Head full of blonde hair, eyes bright and observing. He was a quiet baby, hardly cried at all. The easy first child that fools you into thinking this is a great tasting piece of cake and want more. He was a big baby, my biggest, 9lbs 10 oz, 21 inches long, perfect in my eyes from first site. He had broke his collar bone to his right side being born, but no one picked that up til his two week check up, never favored the arm, never seemed to notice any pain. I had only 3 weeks to bond with this child until I had to return to work, but who needed 3 weeks when like I said I swore I'd never let him go or hurt his tender heart ever, from that first moment of silence, peace and love when they placed him in my arms. He grew to be a child that took everything in, thought about it, processed it, and either let it go or made it his. He loved music early, movies he chose the horror (must of got that from his dad), loved stories to be read, and playing with his action figures. A love he would carry even to now. He walked really before any of my other children, was 9 months old and took off, never looking back. When he was three I noticed while he was sleeping that his little chest was rising, but no air was going in, panic hit, then he'd gasp, snore and continue on sleeping and breathing. This little boy had hardly ever been sick, never needed a doctor besides check ups, was now being seen by a pedi ENT, had 55%of his airway blocked by his tonsils and adenoids. Surgery was a breeze, but his reaction to this new pain was very frightening, for him and for me. The only time this child had ever tested my patience was when I was trying to help his pain. I still feel his pain, raw and burning, and how his little heart raced, you never forget that. He of course healed and really never complained of pain from that day forth, never remember him even complaining of headaches, body aches or the likes. He internalizes pain, a lot like his dad did. He did well early in school, learned to read before most and was asked when in 1st grade to come back to his old kindergarten class to read to them, to show it can be done. He could write wonderful stories and tell them with a flare. He had a huge talent for this, an area his dad and I wanted him to go into. He however lost his desire for awhile to write. When he started middle school, the disservice I did was move him away from the kids he grew up with in elementary, went to a new school where he knew no one. He stood out like a sore thumb. Blonde blue eyed boy in a sea of brown. He did not mix well, trouble started, and I had too at the end of the school year arrange to have him go to the school by my parents house, so that I knew he'd finish school. We drove him for 6 years, he became a long haired, gothic dressed, smoking, and drinking high schooler. Chose crazy girlfriends, only up side was he had great choices in friends, which most he still has. Thankfully not with the crazy girlfriends. When Cody was 17 and going into his senior year in high school, Connor came into his life. He, like myself with him years earlier, immediately loved this little person. Life happened and set his course of caring and making sure this little boy had happiness, security, and honesty. Cody found himself aimless without direction most of his young adult life. Happens when your father took your trust and crushed it. He had many prize possessions pawned and gone forever. Music was his escape, friends were his escape, and drinking was how he seemed to cope. He was great at first hiding it from me, but when he lost his security job I knew something was a miss. When his dad was in the hospital on the vent, Cody went with me to see him one time. He asked to be left alone with his dad, he had stuff to say that he did not want to share with me. I could see him through the glass, red faced, angry, shaking, crying, when he was done he stormed out of the room yelled he was done, and left. Never looking back. He was not there the next day when I let his dad go. This past year Cody has opened up a bit, maybe because he has had a brush with reality when he got arrested for a DWI. Never been in trouble this one, but sometimes life knocks you upside the head for a reason. He had to get sober for awhile, it was during that time that he started to think about his dad, not all the bad things, but the sober things. What his dad did bring to the table when he could. He realized how much he did have in common with him, even if most were the negative habits, he realized he couldn't continue on with his life if he let his demons control him. He cried in my arms one night about how he missed the opportunity to say how he truly loved his dad when saying his last thoughts to him before he died. He cried about how he let all his pain and anger flow out towards his dad, how he wishes he could of told him how much he loved him, how much he missed him and well ultimately how he needed him. My son has always been a mamma's boy, in the sense that he always bonded and held fast to me. We can talk, we share stories, music and love of video games. Which he lives to play most days. He has finally found a job that he loves to do, and has begun to think of future goals. Baby steps for this boy or young man that has been rudderless for too long. He acquired albums from his dad and from his favorite father of his best friends, he plays them, old rock, old music and remembers the good times from his early childhood, remembers the few moments out in the garage with his dad listening to music into the night. Talking simply with a man he really never got to know. Cody has not found love, and I hope that will happen for him, I tell him it will happen soon enough. He needs to heal himself and be okay with who he is before he shares his life with someone else. He just loves me, still for not just being his mom through thick and thin, but for always believing in him. He knows that he was blessed where I wasn't with at least having someone that gave and gives him unconditional love, support, and well strength to stand when he feels he can't. My son stayed after his dad died to help raise his brother, the brother he adores, he stays to make sure mom carries on, and he stayed to find his way safely. He has great things a head of him should he choose them, if not, if he's okay with who he is, then I am too.  

My one and only daughter, Chelsea, my hope. As you may remember I said she came into this world as if she really did not want to be here. Hand up trying to stop the reality from hitting her cold and sharp, unlike the safety of the warm world she had developed in. She let us know from the beginning how unhappy she was, except from time to time you could catch a glimpse of her brilliant smile and deep dimples just melting your heart. She was born with a head full of dark hair that turned sunshine blonde and oh my goodness thick. Was blessed or in her opinion cursed with her dads main. Beautiful inside and out. She was a thumb sucker, comfort seeker into her self, I was her walking pacifier for 6 months straight, closest I think she's allowed me to be. She is not a person that likes to be held, touched even. Sometimes I think it's her fear of connection and feeling, of letting go of pain and taking the comfort. She gets angry easy, but I can't say she did not learn that on her own. I own that. Quick temper and sharp tongue, she inherited from me. She was from the start her daddy's little girl. She loved that man deeply, completely. He liked watching most all sports, so does she. He loved wrestling, so did she. He loved music and well so does she. He hated tomato's and well yep she in like. When she was little she was so active, on the go, loved her Barney and friends, and could fall asleep like her dad at the drop of a hat, mostly in the car. I noticed the change in her once we moved into my parents, once she was without her father, her shine faded. She stayed quiet, withdrawn, and putting on weight, a battle her and I both share, but more for her at an earlier age than me. I usually tell her she needs to let go of the pain and walls she is hiding behind and let that beautiful girl out. She still has a beautiful smile, which we still only catch rarely, and God those dimples. She was my little baseballer, my softball player, she at least pretended she enjoyed it. I think she actually only did it because she knew I loved it. She also was put into dance at 3 by my parents and did this until she was around 11, she hated it, but again did it for me. When she was in school she had few friends, migrated more toward befriending her teachers. She did well, and grew to love history of all sorts. She was a proponent for her father longer than I had been, she held fast in her love for him, hoping always that he would be here. She found peace I think when he was in her presence, well up until her late teens. She went through a few dark teenage years, Bob and I fighting about money and his lack of leaving it in my bank account. His lying, his drinking and drugs. She heard it all, she saw it all. She started to take her anger out on him, proclaimed she had learned to be a bitch from the best, her mom. I will admit I was and still can be. She was old enough to know what it was like to be without when we lost the truck and prayed for the vehicle we were riding in to not stall out. She was 15 when I got pregnant with Connor, I remember her crying when she found out. She was not happy about it, and let me know that I had better have a boy, because she did not want to have to deal with a sister. She was relieved beyond measures when we told her she was to get her wish, a brother it would be. She like her older brother loved her new brother, even though at times she'd remark at how he looked like Elmer Fudd. She was able to finish high school with her dad at home and in a better place taking care of Connor. She spent time with him watching the Spurs play, and also any football game that her dad was watching. They connected for a bit. When she graduated her dad was able to see her walk the stage, one of her happy moments and thoughts of him being there. I did not, I had Pneumonia, so for me to see her walk the stage I would have to wait 7 years for her Associates degree. Her plan when she got out of high school was to go to college so she could become that high school history teacher. Great goal, and she is still working that way. It's a slow process, because she has given so much of her time to care for Connor. She was with me when I withdrew life support from her father, she held his hand and cried. She stayed til the end, loving him and letting him know. Even though she says recently that a few weeks before he died she was in one of her "moods" where he started coughing and all she could whisper under her breath was "die already", she was guilt ridden, she was "I did not mean it, I did not want him to die". She misses him, she see's now all he tried to do near the end, but as we know to little to late. Hardness of the heart is a big unbreakable force when you keep putting more and more pain shellac with every thought of wrong doings. We easily forget the good, the swinging around in the air, the laughs, the tickle monsters, the silly poses, the silly name calling, and the love in the look right before she was tucked in. After her dad died, her new job was to get Connor up every morning for school and off the bus at night, and to help him with his homework. She does this still every day. She cooks his supper and does all the things his mom should do but who is at work. She is his second mom at times, and oh yes his older sister. Even though they argue like they are both 5 years old, they love, love, love each other. He's her little buddy, she allows him to hug her and demands it usually once to twice a day. She reminds him if he forgets that she hasn't had her hug from him today. Moment of connection she gives to him. Someday my daughter I pray will move out of her shell and show the world what an amazing young woman she is. Her bright brilliant smile should always shine through. Those that know her, I mean truly know her, love her. My gentle souled daughter, with a passion for 80's music, sports, my hope for a better tomorrow. She deserves love, security, and I hope passion from her life and in it. She will have to decide for herself the course she will take, but knows that she is okay right where she is at home too, as long as she needs to be.

Oh lastly, my baby by, my Connor, what a sunshine blessing he has been to my life. The child that I always prayed for, the one that loves to be held, loves to have kisses and is silly, free spirited and knows no limits to his happiness. He takes everything around him and feels it. This boy that by all accounts should not be here. I mean, God knew what he was doing by blessing me with this pregnancy at 41. I suppose it was a gift from God to help with the pain that I would have from losing his father early. Connor was also the chance for Bob to give in the end, to try and make amends. He was an easy pregnancy, didn't gain to much, except right at the end when I swelled up like a balloon, became pre-eclamptic and had to have an urgent c-section. He was just like his siblings beautiful when he was born. Head of blonde hair, blue eyes, and the most perfect bow shape mouth. The whole time I was pregnant, Connor was a mover, he was constant motion. I remember my doctor saying that I should expect this boy to be even more so when he was born, and he was. He loved to be in constant motion. Kicking, playing, running, climbing, you could not keep him down. He was a child that I nursed the longest, I suppose it was because I could and because I knew he was my last. It was that bond that kept us connected. He co-slept with me until he was 10. He still will climb up in bed with me to get hugs, and if he's having a hard time I will let him sleep with me. He craves being held, sung too, and just relaxes with the knowledge that you are near. He was his father's world for the last 5 years of Bob's life. He never left that boys side, they went everywhere together. They built my now falling apart deck together, they mowed the lawn, they played, laughed, loved and shared every day happy. Bob would let him nap on him everyday, his favorite spot was snuggled right up next to his dad, both watching TV on the couch. Was hard sometimes to see where one started and the other ended, both sleeping soundly. He was a cherub, a little lover, a look at me tah dah kind of kid. He was like his dad in the picky eating department. That boy will not eat a vegetable to save his hide. "Mom it just makes me gag so"... He's a lover of animals big and small. He takes peoples emotions and draws them in. If you are sad, he's sad, a boy who is not afraid to cry, and cry he does. He misses his dad, terribly. When he started school it was almost as if he sensed something was going to happen. Two weeks before his dad died, Connor was awful to his dad, did not want anything to do with him, just wanted to hang with Cody, play video games, his new passion. He would be like that right after he came home from school, but a few hours after being home, he'd return to his old ways and be right back at his dads side. I think it might of been God's way of directing him toward his brother, who would help him cope once his dad was gone. When Bob went in the hospital, it was a Monday morning. Chelsea was to get Connor up for school that day instead of her dad. Bob spent Sunday evening in pain, coughing, being sick all night long. But in between spells he would hold Connor near, he knew. Connor every day would ask for me to take him to see his dad, but I put him off. I just did not want him to see his dad as bad as he was. I thought it would be easier to remember daddy smiling, not with tubes and scary machines. Bob died on a Thursday before noon, that evening I swore my older kids to not say anything. Connor's whole world was about to get turned upside down and he had one more day of school. On Friday when he came home from school, he immediately demanded to go see his dad, that's when I sat him down and told him as gently as one can to a 5 year old that his dad had died. He cried like he's never cried before, solid 30 minutes, I held him and just let him cry. He fell asleep for two hours, and woke with a start and blurted out "Mom you need to get me a new daddy now"....Poor baby, I cried then. His goal since then is to grow up and be the best thing ever, in his mind that is a dad. He will still sometimes say to me "Mom you need to start dating, I need a step dad, it's time" as if it's that easy. One of the reason's I don't date is because I think about him first. Who would I want to be involved with his growing years, I suppose I'll let you know when I find him. Connor has his own recommendations, he must be very tall, strong, have blue eyes, facial hair, head full of hair, big smile, can laugh loud and hard, and big shoulders, and ultimately he has to be someone that can make his mom smile and feel at ease, plus totally love and get along with Connor. No where in there is he needs to have a job, but that's my problem not his. This little boy has such a way of looking at things, calling me out on life, and constant questions, constant love, constant hugs, and constant reminder that I need to live, so he can too. He is going to be a star someday, well he already is in my eyes and heart. No matter where this boy goes in life I'm sure the ripple will be felt a long way off.

So these are my amazing life gifts, my joys, my heart, my smiles, my laughs, my world, my lights, and above all my life. I am thankful for all the that I have lived through and will continue to live through. For I am blessed with these three souls to love.